Heavy Ranting with a creamy Alfredo sauce
It's been building and building on me, but I'm beginning to show more and more signs of stress. Not from work, but from general life situations.
Particularly, I'm starting to get very impatient, frustrated, and hurt by how a lot of my friends treat me.
One thing that really drags me down is neglect. I know it's beating a dead horse here, but I have an overwhelming fear of abandonment as diagnosed by my "psychiatrists of lore". It's a very annoying affect of Borderline Personality Disorder, one I have to concentrate on often to attempt to keep in check. But neglect is certainly a form of abandonment, and a great deal of friends have neglected our friendship. It hurts my feelings... a great deal.
However, every single time I try to fix something like this, it gets spat right back in my face. I try contacting people, I've tried giving them space, and I talk to them directly about it. I prefer the direct approach, but I think this has backfired due to people who hate conflict, which is the exact opposite of how I view it since I enjoy quick resolutions. I don't believe any efforts really work. People just forget about you. You become unimportant in their day to day lives. The amount of time they think about how you're doing gets less. One effort I try to take is to make additional efforts to hang out with people. Unfortunately, it becomes very difficult to prove to people that you're fun to hang out with when they've kinda' been treating you like shit.
A great number of people stopped talking to me for almost a year. This year was also the worst year of my life, leaving me with very few friends. I now have a very difficult time trusting if somebody says they are "here for you". Many of these people no longer make direct eye contact with me when I do chance to see them. It's uncomfortable for no real reason and makes me feel worse.
Only one person even noticed that I almost died from an anemic episode in the hospital. Only my family and roommates came to visit me.
Very few people within a good number of my social circles has congratulated me on ending my 13 months of unemployment.
I recently discovered that I was kicked out of the 7th Sea game that I was a part of without being notified. Somebody else has already been invited in.
I was not invited to the Kostreva Christmas for the past two Decembers. I was invited to that every year of my life otherwise.
I was also not invited to two weddings, one of which was also a Kostreva.
The last message I've received on my AIM was 5 months ago.
The last phone call I got was 1 month ago.
Now I know that is just a list of things that relate to my sensitivity to abandonment. I constantly exercise new routines and methodologies. I am not clinically depressed anymore. But... COME ON?! I've tried to personally fix most of these actively, and it's starting to make me wonder why I'm the only one trying. Have my friends lost so much interest that they no longer care to try as well? I actually have a disease that makes calling people and contacting others difficult. Yet I still do my best. I'm bad at it, but I AM trying. My disease is a reason, not an excuse. That being said... I have a disability that I'm trying to overcome... what do they got?
Usually, if I tell somebody that my feelings were hurt, they argue with me. They try to explain themselves, or come up with excuses. Honestly, however, what good does that even do? Does it matter that you took it another way? Does it matter that you never noticed? When your feelings are hurt, you're not looking for justification, merely solace. If I hear somebody tell me that I've done something to hurt their feelings, I usually apologize.
Nobody has ever apologized to me. About anything. I had to force it out of people in order to resolve some difficult ones. I constantly apologize, particularly if somebody says I've hurt them in some way. It does NOT matter if I agree with them, what matters is their feelings are hurt. The weird thing is, I've had people tell me I show no remorse... which is the exact opposite of what I constantly do. Yes, I'm certainly a self righteous person when it comes to my values, and I realize how that can be annoying. I try to cut back on it. It is a tangible effort truly, even if it's not obvious that I try. That does not make me unsympathetic.
I've come to realize that I've developed my BPD not because of the most literal term of abandonment, but from a less direct means. People are just rarely nice to me. So much, in fact, that I'm paranoid and freaked out (anxious) when somebody IS nice to me. I'm usually worried about what they're trying to achieve. I probably seem unappreciative. That's not the case. The case is, I just don't know how to react to the simplest forms of kindness.
Particularly, I'm starting to get very impatient, frustrated, and hurt by how a lot of my friends treat me.
One thing that really drags me down is neglect. I know it's beating a dead horse here, but I have an overwhelming fear of abandonment as diagnosed by my "psychiatrists of lore". It's a very annoying affect of Borderline Personality Disorder, one I have to concentrate on often to attempt to keep in check. But neglect is certainly a form of abandonment, and a great deal of friends have neglected our friendship. It hurts my feelings... a great deal.
However, every single time I try to fix something like this, it gets spat right back in my face. I try contacting people, I've tried giving them space, and I talk to them directly about it. I prefer the direct approach, but I think this has backfired due to people who hate conflict, which is the exact opposite of how I view it since I enjoy quick resolutions. I don't believe any efforts really work. People just forget about you. You become unimportant in their day to day lives. The amount of time they think about how you're doing gets less. One effort I try to take is to make additional efforts to hang out with people. Unfortunately, it becomes very difficult to prove to people that you're fun to hang out with when they've kinda' been treating you like shit.
A great number of people stopped talking to me for almost a year. This year was also the worst year of my life, leaving me with very few friends. I now have a very difficult time trusting if somebody says they are "here for you". Many of these people no longer make direct eye contact with me when I do chance to see them. It's uncomfortable for no real reason and makes me feel worse.
Only one person even noticed that I almost died from an anemic episode in the hospital. Only my family and roommates came to visit me.
Very few people within a good number of my social circles has congratulated me on ending my 13 months of unemployment.
I recently discovered that I was kicked out of the 7th Sea game that I was a part of without being notified. Somebody else has already been invited in.
I was not invited to the Kostreva Christmas for the past two Decembers. I was invited to that every year of my life otherwise.
I was also not invited to two weddings, one of which was also a Kostreva.
The last message I've received on my AIM was 5 months ago.
The last phone call I got was 1 month ago.
Now I know that is just a list of things that relate to my sensitivity to abandonment. I constantly exercise new routines and methodologies. I am not clinically depressed anymore. But... COME ON?! I've tried to personally fix most of these actively, and it's starting to make me wonder why I'm the only one trying. Have my friends lost so much interest that they no longer care to try as well? I actually have a disease that makes calling people and contacting others difficult. Yet I still do my best. I'm bad at it, but I AM trying. My disease is a reason, not an excuse. That being said... I have a disability that I'm trying to overcome... what do they got?
Usually, if I tell somebody that my feelings were hurt, they argue with me. They try to explain themselves, or come up with excuses. Honestly, however, what good does that even do? Does it matter that you took it another way? Does it matter that you never noticed? When your feelings are hurt, you're not looking for justification, merely solace. If I hear somebody tell me that I've done something to hurt their feelings, I usually apologize.
Nobody has ever apologized to me. About anything. I had to force it out of people in order to resolve some difficult ones. I constantly apologize, particularly if somebody says I've hurt them in some way. It does NOT matter if I agree with them, what matters is their feelings are hurt. The weird thing is, I've had people tell me I show no remorse... which is the exact opposite of what I constantly do. Yes, I'm certainly a self righteous person when it comes to my values, and I realize how that can be annoying. I try to cut back on it. It is a tangible effort truly, even if it's not obvious that I try. That does not make me unsympathetic.
I've come to realize that I've developed my BPD not because of the most literal term of abandonment, but from a less direct means. People are just rarely nice to me. So much, in fact, that I'm paranoid and freaked out (anxious) when somebody IS nice to me. I'm usually worried about what they're trying to achieve. I probably seem unappreciative. That's not the case. The case is, I just don't know how to react to the simplest forms of kindness.