Personal Perspective
A lot has happened since the last time I posted, and even more since the last time I posted anything meaningful. In fact, the last time I posted something meaningful about myself was March 9th, 2006. Ironically, this post is a lot like that post in topic (something that I took mild amusement in when I came across it while looking for the last time I posted something meaningful about myself).
I have finally looked up the meaning of a word that I have known about for some time. Stoic. Yes, I'm referring to Zeno's philosophy of Stoicism. A definition I came across puts it nicely:
"1. A disciple of the philosopher Zeno; one of a Greek sect which held that men should be free from passion, unmoved by joy or grief, and should submit without complaint to unavoidable necessity, by which all things are governed.
2. Hence, a person not easily excited; an apathetic person; one who is apparently or professedly indifferent to pleasure or pain."
I do not personally believe that all joy or grief should be completely ignored, but rather that the enduring of them should be tempered with an objective perspective. I have cried twice during this recent ordeal; both times on the same day and both within a short while of each other. Once was while holding my mom's hand and the second was while our pastor was reading the psalms. I'm not certain if my tears were because of seeing other people so hurt and upset or if it was because of my mom's situation directly, though more likely it was a combination of both. I didn't sob or make a scene, just cried quietly for a few moments.
I have striven to be stoic ever since I was young. I would accept punishments for what they were: negative consequences of my actions. Whether or not I felt at the time that I deserved the punishments, there was nothing I could do about them and so getting upset would be a pointless waste of time, especially considering that I could be spending my time enjoying myself doing something else such as playing with toys or reading a book. I carried this mentality with me into my teen years in which I used my related skills to hide my near-constant depression. To the best of my knowledge, very few (if any) knew that I was anything other than a happy teenager who was expressing only minimal rebellious attitude.
As I grew older and started in on my late teens and early twenties I relearned how to show emotions because I was tired of people thinking that I didn't care about what they said to me when in fact I did; this is especially true with my parents, who were very clear to me that they did not approve of my apparent lack of caring.
Now I find myself in this current situation. How I should feel is an easy question to answer: I have no significant direct or indirection control over how the situation will turn out. This answer may not appear to fit the question, but my intention is implicit in the statement. If I am unable to alter the situation using my feelings in any way that would improve it, why should I harm myself emotionally by thrusting my mind into anguish and woe? I'm not happy about what is going on, in fact I am very distraught by it, but to put so much effort into showing how emo-depressive I can be would be selfish.
I wish to make a point here: this is how I handle life. I cope with situations by simply not allowing them to affect me. Most people cope with situations by expressing their grief and emotions. I do not.
I have too much at stake in my mind to risk breaking down. There are too many things that I have put a great deal of effort into that would be ruined if I were to loosen my self control. My image is one of them. This may sound conceited to you, but I assure you it is not. I try to maintain an image of someone I want to be. I don't always succeed, but reaching the goal is not the point; the point is that I am reaching. A person does not want to be known as the guy who did something, a person wants to be known as the guy who is doing something. Reaching a goal is great, but if you haven't already changed that goal into a milestone before you reach it you won't keep going. You'll be stuck sitting on your laurels, and the longer you take to get started again the less impressive your achievement will seem and the more it will eat at you.
The point of maintaining an image of someone who is better than who you really are is that it is constantly there in front of you, reminding you of who you want to be and constantly putting you in situations in which you will either make or break that image. While making the image is better than breaking it, both are better than not testing the image. If you do not strive to change yourself for better or for worse, your situation will never, ever improve. You will always be stuck in the same position, at the same tax bracket, with the same problems, hearing the same complaints, eating the same foods, wearing the same clothes, driving the same cars, owning or renting the same homes, living with the same debt, and seeing the exact same person in the mirror. Every. Single. Day.
If you're happy with your life the way it is and can't think of anything that you could possibly ever want to have or do that you don't have or aren't doing, then you can just sit there and smile quietly knowing that you are the happiest human being on the entire planet.
Will I cry again before my mom passes away? Maybe right before it happens if there is some sort of heads up. Will I cry about it after it happens? Probably right after it happens and maybe a few times after that. However, as with all events, whether a situation is good or bad is a matter of perspective. If you manage to find a lesson in an event, then you have improved yourself and have gained from the experience and it is good. Learning hurts frequently, and this situation is no exception. The lesson learned is not always easy to spot and is in fact often very difficult to spot, but as time goes on each of us will look back and, if we are fortunate, will see the lesson learned. Every event experienced holds a lesson: find it and that experience will have been a good one, even if it hurt.
I have finally looked up the meaning of a word that I have known about for some time. Stoic. Yes, I'm referring to Zeno's philosophy of Stoicism. A definition I came across puts it nicely:
"1. A disciple of the philosopher Zeno; one of a Greek sect which held that men should be free from passion, unmoved by joy or grief, and should submit without complaint to unavoidable necessity, by which all things are governed.
2. Hence, a person not easily excited; an apathetic person; one who is apparently or professedly indifferent to pleasure or pain."
I do not personally believe that all joy or grief should be completely ignored, but rather that the enduring of them should be tempered with an objective perspective. I have cried twice during this recent ordeal; both times on the same day and both within a short while of each other. Once was while holding my mom's hand and the second was while our pastor was reading the psalms. I'm not certain if my tears were because of seeing other people so hurt and upset or if it was because of my mom's situation directly, though more likely it was a combination of both. I didn't sob or make a scene, just cried quietly for a few moments.
I have striven to be stoic ever since I was young. I would accept punishments for what they were: negative consequences of my actions. Whether or not I felt at the time that I deserved the punishments, there was nothing I could do about them and so getting upset would be a pointless waste of time, especially considering that I could be spending my time enjoying myself doing something else such as playing with toys or reading a book. I carried this mentality with me into my teen years in which I used my related skills to hide my near-constant depression. To the best of my knowledge, very few (if any) knew that I was anything other than a happy teenager who was expressing only minimal rebellious attitude.
As I grew older and started in on my late teens and early twenties I relearned how to show emotions because I was tired of people thinking that I didn't care about what they said to me when in fact I did; this is especially true with my parents, who were very clear to me that they did not approve of my apparent lack of caring.
Now I find myself in this current situation. How I should feel is an easy question to answer: I have no significant direct or indirection control over how the situation will turn out. This answer may not appear to fit the question, but my intention is implicit in the statement. If I am unable to alter the situation using my feelings in any way that would improve it, why should I harm myself emotionally by thrusting my mind into anguish and woe? I'm not happy about what is going on, in fact I am very distraught by it, but to put so much effort into showing how emo-depressive I can be would be selfish.
I wish to make a point here: this is how I handle life. I cope with situations by simply not allowing them to affect me. Most people cope with situations by expressing their grief and emotions. I do not.
I have too much at stake in my mind to risk breaking down. There are too many things that I have put a great deal of effort into that would be ruined if I were to loosen my self control. My image is one of them. This may sound conceited to you, but I assure you it is not. I try to maintain an image of someone I want to be. I don't always succeed, but reaching the goal is not the point; the point is that I am reaching. A person does not want to be known as the guy who did something, a person wants to be known as the guy who is doing something. Reaching a goal is great, but if you haven't already changed that goal into a milestone before you reach it you won't keep going. You'll be stuck sitting on your laurels, and the longer you take to get started again the less impressive your achievement will seem and the more it will eat at you.
The point of maintaining an image of someone who is better than who you really are is that it is constantly there in front of you, reminding you of who you want to be and constantly putting you in situations in which you will either make or break that image. While making the image is better than breaking it, both are better than not testing the image. If you do not strive to change yourself for better or for worse, your situation will never, ever improve. You will always be stuck in the same position, at the same tax bracket, with the same problems, hearing the same complaints, eating the same foods, wearing the same clothes, driving the same cars, owning or renting the same homes, living with the same debt, and seeing the exact same person in the mirror. Every. Single. Day.
If you're happy with your life the way it is and can't think of anything that you could possibly ever want to have or do that you don't have or aren't doing, then you can just sit there and smile quietly knowing that you are the happiest human being on the entire planet.
Will I cry again before my mom passes away? Maybe right before it happens if there is some sort of heads up. Will I cry about it after it happens? Probably right after it happens and maybe a few times after that. However, as with all events, whether a situation is good or bad is a matter of perspective. If you manage to find a lesson in an event, then you have improved yourself and have gained from the experience and it is good. Learning hurts frequently, and this situation is no exception. The lesson learned is not always easy to spot and is in fact often very difficult to spot, but as time goes on each of us will look back and, if we are fortunate, will see the lesson learned. Every event experienced holds a lesson: find it and that experience will have been a good one, even if it hurt.