I need to stop being depressed * uggh*
So I have not posted an entry in a while and I know that is so bad of me and I say it is because I have soooo much stuff that I am doing but really I don't have enough stuff to do to run away from my life like I used to be able to do. So then I feel like crap. I seriously have not been this depressed for well years and I have no reason to be sad. I don't know why I am sad I just feel like waking up makes me feel ill. I either can not get to sleep at night or I am able to sleep but then I wake up 2or 3 hours before I need to get up to go to school with this huge sense of dread and nausea like I just have to throw up but I can't move because to move means I have to go on with another day. And then my finacee has started to get a bit irritated with me because he has to get up and go to the full time awful job that stresses him out to the point that he literally has thrown up at work 3 times in the past month. Then they send him home and he sleeps for 2 hours and is perfectly fine. I always know when he is going to get sick at work because he is really cranky. He never says or does anything mean but he is just really tense like telling me that I have to hurry or we will be late. ( we leave together in the morning) Then he tries to pick a fight in the car on the way. Then sure enough the calls me by noon and tells me he has thrown up 4 times at work and finally decided that maybe he should go home and not just try to take a nap at work for an hour and then start work again. Then he picks me up and we go home and he apologizes for being crabby and stressed and then he is fine. I joke that he is allergic to his job but really there is nothing funny about how he is treated there.
Then there is my job where I tutor a nine year old in math and help here with her home work and my God. Well it is not enough that ever time I have to come up with ways to teach her things that her parents think she should already know but her teacher has not taught her yet then there is that fact that she does not like math so I come up with a new game for her to play that uses the new skills that she is learning. And then she decides to tell me that she does not want to play my game or do her homework and tells me that I can not make her ( which is true) I then tell her that she needs to do her work so that she will get better at math. In which she tries to manipulate me and tell me that her parents are going to fire me because she is not having fun ( no shit she has said this a ton, I wonder where a nine year old learns to disrespect people like this) I then tell her that not only will I not get fired but her parents are going to mad at here for not doing what I ( her tutor) have told her to do. That normally shuts her up for well a minute. Some days she is happy to play the games but god it really is so much effort and work to get her to do it and the bull shit of having to deal with her attitude is so ridiculous. I refuse to be intimated or manipulated by a child. So I have started awaking up with this feeling like I a just can't breath every Monday and Thursday I finally put two and two together ( I tutor her only on Mondays and Thursdays) and since I teach English on Wednesdays and I am never feel like that on Wednesdays I don't think is has to do with working in general just with working with her.
I know that I could quit this job but it does make half of my very small income. I can not get a real job right now because I am still going to school full time to learn German and I hopefully will be able to get accepted into my masters program by August. We shall see right now I can speak understand and read very well but my writing is well lacks something to be desired. I have stared feeling like I am a failure at that and that maybe no university will accepts me into there masters program especially since that one that I am applying to is one of the best universities in Germany and is know for being well hard to get into as well as more difficult for the students that go there. How ever if I do well there then I should be able to get a good job in the states or here.
I also need to find a way to make money I can either teach English like I am doing here or I can get a part time job working for a company ( which I think would look better on my resume) but any way I have to get that all in order.
Oh yeah and I am getting married on the 8th of August here. AHHHHHHHHHH ( pulls out hair)
The thing is I don't even feel like I am getting married I mean the only people we are inviting is my parents and my very best friend Liz and my sister and well one friend of mine who happens to live less than an hour away from where we are getting married so I decided to invite here to this wedding instead of the US one. But there is no one here to be all Yay your getting married go you. I feel bad talking to my friends about it because I really can't invite them to this one. I can't even invite one of my best friends who was there when I first met my future husband. I mean I can invite them but then I feel bad because really it is way to much money for any one to spend to get over there and we are having a real church wedding in the states in 2009 which I have to finally get a hold the church and see when they can give us a day so I can tell all of My friends so the people that I love and care about can come to my Wedding yes my friends my family. I just wish I could have a party with all the people who love me. I mean his family is great and wonderful and his friends are all really nice and very supportive but they are his people and not mine. And we have organized the great place in side a city garden that is along side of the Danube river for the reception and the wedding will be held in the city's historic museum. So it sounds like a dream come true but to me it is not where you are but who your with that makes the memories wonderful and I am in this fantastic place and can you believe it some times I wish I was right back in little old Quincy with Cat, Kristi, Sarah, Al, Erin and Lesley. We could all be working crew on new faces or getting ready for a dance. But you know what we can all get back together again ( how about next year for my Church wedding) I guess I just cheered myself up by thinking about the future.
So those of you have read my rant let me know how you are. I miss you all and I am so sorry I am not having you be a great part of this part of my life. I just don't want to make anyone have to pay for a super expensive plane ticket and hotel cost and I know most of you would try so hard to find a way even if it meant taking out a loan or something but we all have enough debt and well I have always dreamed of sharing that time of my live with all of you in Quincy in June. So Please don't be unhappy with me. I love you all.
Then there is my job where I tutor a nine year old in math and help here with her home work and my God. Well it is not enough that ever time I have to come up with ways to teach her things that her parents think she should already know but her teacher has not taught her yet then there is that fact that she does not like math so I come up with a new game for her to play that uses the new skills that she is learning. And then she decides to tell me that she does not want to play my game or do her homework and tells me that I can not make her ( which is true) I then tell her that she needs to do her work so that she will get better at math. In which she tries to manipulate me and tell me that her parents are going to fire me because she is not having fun ( no shit she has said this a ton, I wonder where a nine year old learns to disrespect people like this) I then tell her that not only will I not get fired but her parents are going to mad at here for not doing what I ( her tutor) have told her to do. That normally shuts her up for well a minute. Some days she is happy to play the games but god it really is so much effort and work to get her to do it and the bull shit of having to deal with her attitude is so ridiculous. I refuse to be intimated or manipulated by a child. So I have started awaking up with this feeling like I a just can't breath every Monday and Thursday I finally put two and two together ( I tutor her only on Mondays and Thursdays) and since I teach English on Wednesdays and I am never feel like that on Wednesdays I don't think is has to do with working in general just with working with her.
I know that I could quit this job but it does make half of my very small income. I can not get a real job right now because I am still going to school full time to learn German and I hopefully will be able to get accepted into my masters program by August. We shall see right now I can speak understand and read very well but my writing is well lacks something to be desired. I have stared feeling like I am a failure at that and that maybe no university will accepts me into there masters program especially since that one that I am applying to is one of the best universities in Germany and is know for being well hard to get into as well as more difficult for the students that go there. How ever if I do well there then I should be able to get a good job in the states or here.
I also need to find a way to make money I can either teach English like I am doing here or I can get a part time job working for a company ( which I think would look better on my resume) but any way I have to get that all in order.
Oh yeah and I am getting married on the 8th of August here. AHHHHHHHHHH ( pulls out hair)
The thing is I don't even feel like I am getting married I mean the only people we are inviting is my parents and my very best friend Liz and my sister and well one friend of mine who happens to live less than an hour away from where we are getting married so I decided to invite here to this wedding instead of the US one. But there is no one here to be all Yay your getting married go you. I feel bad talking to my friends about it because I really can't invite them to this one. I can't even invite one of my best friends who was there when I first met my future husband. I mean I can invite them but then I feel bad because really it is way to much money for any one to spend to get over there and we are having a real church wedding in the states in 2009 which I have to finally get a hold the church and see when they can give us a day so I can tell all of My friends so the people that I love and care about can come to my Wedding yes my friends my family. I just wish I could have a party with all the people who love me. I mean his family is great and wonderful and his friends are all really nice and very supportive but they are his people and not mine. And we have organized the great place in side a city garden that is along side of the Danube river for the reception and the wedding will be held in the city's historic museum. So it sounds like a dream come true but to me it is not where you are but who your with that makes the memories wonderful and I am in this fantastic place and can you believe it some times I wish I was right back in little old Quincy with Cat, Kristi, Sarah, Al, Erin and Lesley. We could all be working crew on new faces or getting ready for a dance. But you know what we can all get back together again ( how about next year for my Church wedding) I guess I just cheered myself up by thinking about the future.
So those of you have read my rant let me know how you are. I miss you all and I am so sorry I am not having you be a great part of this part of my life. I just don't want to make anyone have to pay for a super expensive plane ticket and hotel cost and I know most of you would try so hard to find a way even if it meant taking out a loan or something but we all have enough debt and well I have always dreamed of sharing that time of my live with all of you in Quincy in June. So Please don't be unhappy with me. I love you all.