...You Don't Know How It Feels To Be Me
So I'm sitting up at 2:45 in the morning, trying to get laundry done for tomorrow cuz Im a dumb mother fucker and I like to sleep all day... yah.... Im an insomniac. It doesn't help that livin where I am there's people to stay up with. Don't get me wrong, I love living here. I'm staying at Sammy's house and it is the shit. Me, Sam, Corey, and Aunt Ann. That's my family right now, and it's tight as hell. I'm havin a good time. Things aren't always the best, because even though I have the 3 of them, I feel alone. I know I'm not... cuz I still have dad's family also, but yeah... mom's family... well put it this way, my grandma came and got my sister when I was moving my shit out... I couldn't say bye to her. That wasn't cool at all, but you know what? I can handle it. It just seems that when it rains, it fucking pours. I know that as a bunch of teenagers reading this, you somewhat understand. It's a lot of big shit though right now... first all of the shit with me and Jimmy, next my mom and her house, then fucking my friend at work Rodney was murdered, and all the little shit in between. Sometimes I feel that GOD has it out for me. But I know that can't be possible, cuz isn't he the all-knowing caretaker? The Guy in the sky who's supposed to be there for me whenever I need someone? I'm about to start going to church again. I need something like that stable in my life again. My baby brother Nick might start coming with me too... cuz he agrees that he needs something like that in his life. He is the one person I don't worry about right now, cuz he is the exact opposite of anything I ever was at his age. I was confused, trying to find who I was, trying to find where I fit in, wanting to try everything once, whether it be boys, sex, violence, whatever, and he doesn't feel a need to do things that aren't right. He just knows better. He listens and doesn't do things that will most likely get him in trouble if he gets caught.... me on the other hand, shit I was willing to try anything, not because I was easily pressured necessarily, but more because I wanted the experience. I felt that and still somewhat feel that you can't really live your life unless you've tried everything once. Most people ... if you're even reading this are probably like wow, she's fucking nuts, but you know what, I'm really not, I just wanna live my life to it's full potential. I don't want to look back some day and say damn I wish I would have taken advantage of the oppurtunity, and I feel that by not trying everything, I put myself in a position to feel like that 20 years down the road. I put myself in vulnerable positions by being like that... and that's why I know that Nick will be fine. He doesn't put himself in situations like that. My baby sister on the other hand... she's 3 but she's already independent as hell. She's gonna be a lot like me, and it's already very obvious. She's 3 and gets herself into trouble, doing things she's not sposed to, just cuz she wants to. She's also like me in the fact that she has no remorse for it. She doesn't normally get upset when she gets in trouble, she's just basically indifferent to the whole thing. Hopefully I'll have enough influence on her to keep her out of too much trouble though. I don't want her fucking up her shit like I seem to have done. Sammy, if you end up reading this, I just wanna say thank you. You've done so much for me in the past month. If it weren't for you I really honestly can't say I know where I would be right now. Probably fucking at my Nana's house being bored as fuck. The basement's gonna be tight... everyone's invited to see it when me and Corey are done. Yay! Well, I needa finish laundry for the night, so *muah*! Love you all.