turn on the sun!
I made a comment re: the BSG finale in which I said that I liked it, but that didn't mean I thought it was good, which got me started thinking about how my personal sense of what makes good television is a little skewed, and how that's probably the fault of Law and Order: SVU, the Worst Show in the Universe, more than anything.
And then, I was busily going through my entire email account while pretending to be occupied at work yesterday, as you do, and I kept coming across old lj comments about SVU and laughing my ass off, so naturally I started pulling my favorites and putting them in a giant Google document, because that's what you do when you're bored at work, right?
And I mean, when I think about watching SVU for the past however long, I automatically start thinking in, like, war metaphors, but the Worst Show Ever did make for some pretty hilarious snark and outrage. I think (?) we're all pretty much done with this by now, but it's kind of nice to look back.
So, consider this, like, an SVU fandom quotebook or something. Oh, show. You were terrible, but we did have fun together. And for those of you who weren't around for this nonsense? We're not making any of it up.
annakovsky: Hahahaha, SVU IS the hottest in the office, but is such an ass. It doesn't remember much about the last few years. It thinks it dated a black girl?
annakovsky: Oh Mariska. You're so pretty. Please stop moving/speaking.
grenadine: I'm torn between emailing all of my RL friends immediately, or keeping it a secret and bringing a camera along when we watch to catch their reactions. I'm picturing a scene at least as epic as the "Your Suspect Has Anthrax" Mass Spit-Take of '05.
daygloparker: You know, my brain just riffed on the possibilities of SVU writers and a plotpoint like "killer nanotech virus" and... I don't want to go back there. Please. Mommy. Please.
aj: I totally think Liv and Kath should dump Elliot and go join Eames and Barek and start a girl detective agency where Munch and Fin hang out and bring coffee, donuts, and bagels around. Okay, maybe fruit and granola. And Fin and Munch have horrible adventures in babysitting the newest Stabler while Logan, Goren, and Stabler all mope and get fired from security jobs a lot.
That would be the BEST SHOW EVER.
annakovsky: Seriously, a good SVU episode is like the unpredictable food item that keeps the rat hitting the button in its cage? Haha? Hee, no, for real, I'm always so confused when it happens - am I watching a good show? Surely not.
sloanesomething: Where do you even go from here, like, as a show? Don't you just sort of have to give up and stop broadcasting?
sloanesomething: I tried to stay away from the awful plots, and I STILL get space executioners with NONE of the kidney goodness I crave!
sloanesomething: Oh, this episode was just...did YOU know people are often assaulted in correctional facilities? I was shocked, SHOCKED.
grenadine: This is the only show where an X-Files crossover would make MORE sense than a regular episode.
baggers: Oh, Olivia. People hate you. (I keep thinking about all the people she hands her card out to with her cell phone number on it, "call me at any time, day or night," and one night seven different people call her, and three are trying to kill themselves, and one needs a note to get out of class, and one want's to go out on a date with her. And the next day, Elliot hears her on the phone changing her cell phone number.)
baggers: Elliot's crazy tends to be pretty self-contained. Olivia breaks into people's apartments and steals their underwear.
baggers: what could be more fantastic than olivia killing elliot's son. i mean honestly: NOTHING ON THIS EARTH.
daygloparker: NEW THEORY, DEVISED TONIGHT: In a fit of misguided rage, Olivia KILLS KATHY, STEALS THE NEWBORN and hightails it to Oregon where she raises him as her own. Years go by, and ten-year-old Belliot starts to suspect that his mother, Persephone, is hiding a deep and dark secret.
Bonus points if there's a fetus in a cooler.
grenadine: Hee, and then Fin's like: "Oh, SHIT, you're bleeding! Here, let me staunch your wound with this Arby's napkin I had in my coat pocket."
annakovsky: "Oh hey, everybody, some dude's stabbing Liv, let's all meet over there if you get a chance."
sloanesomething: RIGHT? Let me play you a song on the world's smallest braille-stamped violin, huh, Elliot?
sloanesomething: I'm just laughing my ass off, you guys, I'm so sorry, this scene is so badly written. Soon the evil Lord Stefan will appear to steal Elliot's baby or something.
sloanesomething: The writing on this ep was courtesy of Mrs. Koslowski's seventh-grade Composition class.
grenadine: Also, Chester Lake used to be an amateur ultimate fighter nicknamed "Naptime".
I did not make that up. That actually happened.
grenadine: I am laughing so hard right now. It's like the last Die Hard with the jumping a car through a helicopter, except AWESOMER.
annakovsky: EITHER KATHY OR THE BABY BETTER DIE. I have never hoped so fervently for someone to lose a baby. EITHER WAY IT WILL BE SO AWESOME.
sloanesomething: Oh my god, the baby-naming WASN'T official, was it? OH MY GOD THAT KID'S NAME COULD BE ANYTHING. OH MY GOD.WE ARE NOT OUT OF THE WOODS.
sloanesomething: Polygamy is fine! Except one of them bitches always be crazy, so it's bad! Except that if your chances of a crazy bitch are one in three, then you might as well get around a little before the killin' starts, you know what I mean?
annakovsky: SVU: we love you like a retarded brother.
grenadine: I still can't even figure out what the moral of that story was supposed to be, except "Jews are awesome".
baggers: this woman would leave the kid in a shopping cart in the middle of a supermarket because she thought she saw a suspect.
sloanesomething: STABLER: You're going to get hurt, and it's going to affect your police work! OUR police work!
BENSON: Dude, weather patterns affect our police work.
sloanesomething: But TV, you can't lie to me, and you shouldn't lie to yourself any more; my show blows. It has always blown. It is the most woman-blaming show outside of CSI. Bill Napoli blames women less than you do.
grenadine: The 200th episode of SVU, brought to you by straight grain alcohol, with additional support from Northern Lights Cannabis Indiga!
aj: Out of curiosity... is it me, or did someone drop the dime to send the entire writer's team to rehab this summer?
annakovsky: I canNOT even believe they executed someone by hyena. WHAT ARE YOU DOING, SVU?
grenadine: Oh, man, I forgot about that. He hears the streets! That's so awesome. Do you think Cragen is trying to get out of being fired by winning some sort of diversity award, btw?
grenadine: Watching this show is like having a sack full of puppies shot at you from a cannon. What you get is great, but the packaging and delivery...leave something to be desired.
annakovsky: And whatevs, so I watched the Robin Williams episode (which... this show has just given up on making sense, hasn't it?) because I heard Elliot touched Olivia's neck, but I AM STILL REALLY CLOSE TO BEING DONE WITH IT FOREVER. I SWEAR TO GOD.
grenadine: I am so bad at breaking up with this show.
sloanesomething: Every time I see the, "I never really thought I'd say THIS" about Mariska's acting, I crack the fuck up. It really does seem sometimes that she's reading off cue cards. Phonetically. Bless her.
annakovsky: It's honestly at the point where I kind of wish this goddamn show would just get cancelled already so I could STOP PUTTING MYSELF THROUGH THIS COCKTEASING NONSENSE.
annakovsky: It's like Olivia is a superhero whose superpower is BEING CRAZY.
random chick on the svu community: "really?! wow. i've been waiting for them to bang since like foreverrrrr!"
sloanesomething: Why not rape her? Fin: "Maybe he couldn't rise to the occasion." Thank you, SVU, the most sensitive of precincts.
sloanesomething: But seriously, you've uncovered a pharmaceutical conspiracy on me for the last time, SVU.
grenadine: I amused myself by screaming the proper pronunciation of "Mosul" at the screen eight or nine million times.
baggers: Jorja Fox said in an interview a while back that despite being on a crime procedural, for the last two seasons she's been working on the assumption that she's actually on a romantic comedy. Which made me wonder, does Mariska think she is on a soap opera about spies?
sloanesomething: I keep waiting to hear they've licensed the theme from Ice Castles or something.
sloanesomething: I KNOW RIGHT? Abusive boyfriend show is now showing up AT PROM with a tux on but the shirt partially unbuttoned to sweep you away from your other dorky but totally deserving date so you can drive on a motorcycle to some motel and have sex.
AND OF COURSE WE ARE ALL GETTING ON THE MOTORCYCLE.
baggers: I HATE FAULT
IT GAVE ME EXPECTATIONS
annakovsky: The one I'm reading right now is by, like, the BNF of Elliot/Olivia fandom, and Elliot is fathering Olivia's baby, with Kathy's consent, because Olivia wants a baby of "love, not science", and it looks like Kathy's totally going to die, which, obviously, is the only fate that awaits her in this kind of thing.
aj: Fuck you, SVU. I'm gonna go sell my dvd's now. Because I don't want to remember. Also, you'll be hearing from my lawyer on giving me back that hour of my life.
Die in a fire,
A.j.
aj: They should have just set me on fire. It would have been more fun. SIGH.
sloanesomething: OH SHOW, I DIDN'T WANT TO GO TO THE TACO BELL, I WANTED TO GO TO LITTLE VENICE AND EAT SOME NICE FOOD.
sloanesomething: Like, the murder was suddenly 100% the fault of the murderer! WHAT SHOW IS THIS.
grenadine: GOD EVERYONE SERIOUSLY DOES HAVE AIDS WTF.
daygloparker: I fell down in the street and watched a fake version of this episode, right?
aj: I think the entire production crew (plus actors) fell down in the street and filmed a fake version of this episode.
sloanesomething: Dude, was that guy going to eat the lemur? Who's so bored they'd eat a lemur?
grenadine: I guess what I'm ultimately saying is: turn on the sun. Turn on the sun in your heart.
slaonesomething: You know what? I'm filing a restraining order on my show. This is it. In my head this is the last episode, and Cragen and the lemur go off and fight crime together wackily, the end. I can't even handle it any more.
And then, I was busily going through my entire email account while pretending to be occupied at work yesterday, as you do, and I kept coming across old lj comments about SVU and laughing my ass off, so naturally I started pulling my favorites and putting them in a giant Google document, because that's what you do when you're bored at work, right?
And I mean, when I think about watching SVU for the past however long, I automatically start thinking in, like, war metaphors, but the Worst Show Ever did make for some pretty hilarious snark and outrage. I think (?) we're all pretty much done with this by now, but it's kind of nice to look back.
So, consider this, like, an SVU fandom quotebook or something. Oh, show. You were terrible, but we did have fun together. And for those of you who weren't around for this nonsense? We're not making any of it up.
annakovsky: Hahahaha, SVU IS the hottest in the office, but is such an ass. It doesn't remember much about the last few years. It thinks it dated a black girl?
annakovsky: Oh Mariska. You're so pretty. Please stop moving/speaking.
grenadine: I'm torn between emailing all of my RL friends immediately, or keeping it a secret and bringing a camera along when we watch to catch their reactions. I'm picturing a scene at least as epic as the "Your Suspect Has Anthrax" Mass Spit-Take of '05.
daygloparker: You know, my brain just riffed on the possibilities of SVU writers and a plotpoint like "killer nanotech virus" and... I don't want to go back there. Please. Mommy. Please.
aj: I totally think Liv and Kath should dump Elliot and go join Eames and Barek and start a girl detective agency where Munch and Fin hang out and bring coffee, donuts, and bagels around. Okay, maybe fruit and granola. And Fin and Munch have horrible adventures in babysitting the newest Stabler while Logan, Goren, and Stabler all mope and get fired from security jobs a lot.
That would be the BEST SHOW EVER.
annakovsky: Seriously, a good SVU episode is like the unpredictable food item that keeps the rat hitting the button in its cage? Haha? Hee, no, for real, I'm always so confused when it happens - am I watching a good show? Surely not.
sloanesomething: Where do you even go from here, like, as a show? Don't you just sort of have to give up and stop broadcasting?
sloanesomething: I tried to stay away from the awful plots, and I STILL get space executioners with NONE of the kidney goodness I crave!
sloanesomething: Oh, this episode was just...did YOU know people are often assaulted in correctional facilities? I was shocked, SHOCKED.
grenadine: This is the only show where an X-Files crossover would make MORE sense than a regular episode.
baggers: Oh, Olivia. People hate you. (I keep thinking about all the people she hands her card out to with her cell phone number on it, "call me at any time, day or night," and one night seven different people call her, and three are trying to kill themselves, and one needs a note to get out of class, and one want's to go out on a date with her. And the next day, Elliot hears her on the phone changing her cell phone number.)
baggers: Elliot's crazy tends to be pretty self-contained. Olivia breaks into people's apartments and steals their underwear.
baggers: what could be more fantastic than olivia killing elliot's son. i mean honestly: NOTHING ON THIS EARTH.
daygloparker: NEW THEORY, DEVISED TONIGHT: In a fit of misguided rage, Olivia KILLS KATHY, STEALS THE NEWBORN and hightails it to Oregon where she raises him as her own. Years go by, and ten-year-old Belliot starts to suspect that his mother, Persephone, is hiding a deep and dark secret.
Bonus points if there's a fetus in a cooler.
grenadine: Hee, and then Fin's like: "Oh, SHIT, you're bleeding! Here, let me staunch your wound with this Arby's napkin I had in my coat pocket."
annakovsky: "Oh hey, everybody, some dude's stabbing Liv, let's all meet over there if you get a chance."
sloanesomething: RIGHT? Let me play you a song on the world's smallest braille-stamped violin, huh, Elliot?
sloanesomething: I'm just laughing my ass off, you guys, I'm so sorry, this scene is so badly written. Soon the evil Lord Stefan will appear to steal Elliot's baby or something.
sloanesomething: The writing on this ep was courtesy of Mrs. Koslowski's seventh-grade Composition class.
grenadine: Also, Chester Lake used to be an amateur ultimate fighter nicknamed "Naptime".
I did not make that up. That actually happened.
grenadine: I am laughing so hard right now. It's like the last Die Hard with the jumping a car through a helicopter, except AWESOMER.
annakovsky: EITHER KATHY OR THE BABY BETTER DIE. I have never hoped so fervently for someone to lose a baby. EITHER WAY IT WILL BE SO AWESOME.
sloanesomething: Oh my god, the baby-naming WASN'T official, was it? OH MY GOD THAT KID'S NAME COULD BE ANYTHING. OH MY GOD.WE ARE NOT OUT OF THE WOODS.
sloanesomething: Polygamy is fine! Except one of them bitches always be crazy, so it's bad! Except that if your chances of a crazy bitch are one in three, then you might as well get around a little before the killin' starts, you know what I mean?
annakovsky: SVU: we love you like a retarded brother.
grenadine: I still can't even figure out what the moral of that story was supposed to be, except "Jews are awesome".
baggers: this woman would leave the kid in a shopping cart in the middle of a supermarket because she thought she saw a suspect.
sloanesomething: STABLER: You're going to get hurt, and it's going to affect your police work! OUR police work!
BENSON: Dude, weather patterns affect our police work.
sloanesomething: But TV, you can't lie to me, and you shouldn't lie to yourself any more; my show blows. It has always blown. It is the most woman-blaming show outside of CSI. Bill Napoli blames women less than you do.
grenadine: The 200th episode of SVU, brought to you by straight grain alcohol, with additional support from Northern Lights Cannabis Indiga!
aj: Out of curiosity... is it me, or did someone drop the dime to send the entire writer's team to rehab this summer?
annakovsky: I canNOT even believe they executed someone by hyena. WHAT ARE YOU DOING, SVU?
grenadine: Oh, man, I forgot about that. He hears the streets! That's so awesome. Do you think Cragen is trying to get out of being fired by winning some sort of diversity award, btw?
grenadine: Watching this show is like having a sack full of puppies shot at you from a cannon. What you get is great, but the packaging and delivery...leave something to be desired.
annakovsky: And whatevs, so I watched the Robin Williams episode (which... this show has just given up on making sense, hasn't it?) because I heard Elliot touched Olivia's neck, but I AM STILL REALLY CLOSE TO BEING DONE WITH IT FOREVER. I SWEAR TO GOD.
grenadine: I am so bad at breaking up with this show.
sloanesomething: Every time I see the, "I never really thought I'd say THIS" about Mariska's acting, I crack the fuck up. It really does seem sometimes that she's reading off cue cards. Phonetically. Bless her.
annakovsky: It's honestly at the point where I kind of wish this goddamn show would just get cancelled already so I could STOP PUTTING MYSELF THROUGH THIS COCKTEASING NONSENSE.
annakovsky: It's like Olivia is a superhero whose superpower is BEING CRAZY.
random chick on the svu community: "really?! wow. i've been waiting for them to bang since like foreverrrrr!"
sloanesomething: Why not rape her? Fin: "Maybe he couldn't rise to the occasion." Thank you, SVU, the most sensitive of precincts.
sloanesomething: But seriously, you've uncovered a pharmaceutical conspiracy on me for the last time, SVU.
grenadine: I amused myself by screaming the proper pronunciation of "Mosul" at the screen eight or nine million times.
baggers: Jorja Fox said in an interview a while back that despite being on a crime procedural, for the last two seasons she's been working on the assumption that she's actually on a romantic comedy. Which made me wonder, does Mariska think she is on a soap opera about spies?
sloanesomething: I keep waiting to hear they've licensed the theme from Ice Castles or something.
sloanesomething: I KNOW RIGHT? Abusive boyfriend show is now showing up AT PROM with a tux on but the shirt partially unbuttoned to sweep you away from your other dorky but totally deserving date so you can drive on a motorcycle to some motel and have sex.
AND OF COURSE WE ARE ALL GETTING ON THE MOTORCYCLE.
baggers: I HATE FAULT
IT GAVE ME EXPECTATIONS
annakovsky: The one I'm reading right now is by, like, the BNF of Elliot/Olivia fandom, and Elliot is fathering Olivia's baby, with Kathy's consent, because Olivia wants a baby of "love, not science", and it looks like Kathy's totally going to die, which, obviously, is the only fate that awaits her in this kind of thing.
aj: Fuck you, SVU. I'm gonna go sell my dvd's now. Because I don't want to remember. Also, you'll be hearing from my lawyer on giving me back that hour of my life.
Die in a fire,
A.j.
aj: They should have just set me on fire. It would have been more fun. SIGH.
sloanesomething: OH SHOW, I DIDN'T WANT TO GO TO THE TACO BELL, I WANTED TO GO TO LITTLE VENICE AND EAT SOME NICE FOOD.
sloanesomething: Like, the murder was suddenly 100% the fault of the murderer! WHAT SHOW IS THIS.
grenadine: GOD EVERYONE SERIOUSLY DOES HAVE AIDS WTF.
daygloparker: I fell down in the street and watched a fake version of this episode, right?
aj: I think the entire production crew (plus actors) fell down in the street and filmed a fake version of this episode.
sloanesomething: Dude, was that guy going to eat the lemur? Who's so bored they'd eat a lemur?
grenadine: I guess what I'm ultimately saying is: turn on the sun. Turn on the sun in your heart.
slaonesomething: You know what? I'm filing a restraining order on my show. This is it. In my head this is the last episode, and Cragen and the lemur go off and fight crime together wackily, the end. I can't even handle it any more.