We'll fly, and we'll fall.
So, what's going on out there? What's going on in here? Ah something that all needs to be sorted out. So, I have decided that bittersweet is the absolute worst feeling to have. Happy to where you can't enjoy being happy with out others being sad. What's the point anymore? Well.. I'll tell you the point. The point is for me to get what I want out of everything. I'm such a people pleaser. Hah, whateverper perhapts that won't ever change. But, things I do know right now is that I really really like Skyler. It's awesome; it truley is. But perhaps i'm still a little bitter torwards Lucas. Eh, i'm going to seem like a completely rude mean insecure person here. But, the girl that he is going out with is the girl that he has told me everything he doesen't want. They are just "Friends" and that's all it would ever be. haha whatever. Well lets just say.. she's fat, has big boobs, blonde hair, blue eyes. Oy, but this semester I pulled out 3 A's one B. fucking Hitler I tell you. What a douche face. >_< AH. I swear it if there was something I could have done but I couldn't. It's all up to the curve to flunk inorder for me to rise. With Sky though, awesome. I'm not necesarily jealous much at all; I can see that I have freedom to do what I want. AH that's another thing. With Lucas, I staright up told him he was a completely controllive person and if he didn't have someone to control he would probably find him self miserable. And well, he said he isn't anymore. Just like a no good piece of paper ripped it out of his notebook? What, no.. that's not how the brain works SORRY. Also, Well I heard just about the best quote on Love that I have ever heard. I wish I would have wrote it down. But Madonna said it on her new VH1 show. I'm sure they'll play it again and i'll get it word for word. But she was talking about soulmates. And how Soulmates fight, a lot. But she wouldn't have it any other way. Because easy isn't fun. Because easy doesen't make you grow. The fighting mixed with Love and fun is what makes you grow. And how a Love won't ever be easy. And if it is an easy Love, it's not Love. I was in awe of that. I deffi nently need to get that written down word for word. Becuase lordy lordy that's the closest deffinention of Love i've ever found. And for once, i'm not going to be put up on the shelf. I will not be controlled by some dick face. I will not put my dreams aside for anyone. And I fucking Love it. Skyler has his dreams, deffinently. He's defffinently going to make his Life into Music, getting paid just to live. But enjoying every moment of it. How wicked is that? I have so many dreams, big dreams, and reality dreams. I'm almost to the point where I want to look for a college out of Oklahoma. I htink I might be done here.. I think I want someone to want to follow me, and if they are the one they would respect that. There's so many things I want to do. But, the thing is, I just want to take a four year break from Oklahoma. Take a four year break to find my self and not have my parents within 3 hours to go to. Or I just want to go to OSU and say fuck everyone and despite what they say about cost. I LIFE ONCE. once ya hear?! ONCE. Kelly's dreams? Of course the most known one is to become a teacher. The thing is.. I could be a teacher at any time. There are teachers that are 70+ years old. I could get the fun years out of the year and then go teach. HELL or I could do both. A dream of mine is to become an entrupeneur *screwed that spelling up* But, and go to Cali, or NY and open a concert venue. Having to interview bands. Giving bands there big break. Bringing big bands, seeing big bands. Or becoming a PR and being a bands manager. Or doing the other big dream and moving to NY and becoming a writter for a huge company with millions of readers such as Seventeen magazine etc..etc..Because I do have a gift for writing i'm sure everyone knows that. Not necesarily through these journal entries. But I have the talent. Math? None at all. Math can suck it. Chicago, that's where i've somewhat been looking.. college wise. Doesen't it seem like a fun city? Eh, it does to me. I have a lot of family that live down there that i've never met. Fucking Nagle side of me.. I'm so glad that my family is so into me meeting other relatives *deffinently a sarcastic point of view of things* Or maybe Dallas. Dallas is always fun.. OR even Denver; but I hate the cold. But I Loved going to Denver when we visited.. that was awesome there. Is it wrong for a Junior in High School to be so lost about what they want to do in life? or where they want to go? I don't think so. I've seen some seniors that way. I think, if I get out of this scene i'm in now I can focus on school. I can't have my life infront of me, and try to get an education out of things. I'm taking Chris as the biggest example right now. Straight A student, all AP classes etc..etc.. super hella smart. Gets to College, things get in the way.. primarily me.. yeah.. and family, and money, and drama, and problems, and well know he's not doing so hot and I hope he doesn't flunk out of College.. Or maybe it's he's not good at time managing? I have no clue. But if i'm somewhere where there isn't TO many distractions; plus I'm not a huge partier so that won't be the effects.. but since there isn't TO many distractions in an un-known city I can focus and kick ass. Maybe i'm being nieve about things too. Chris.. says.. that i'm the girl for him. It scares me a little bit. I'm not going to lie. I always see him talking to other girls, or when we were together other girls would call, or text.. or there was always another drama with another girl. It sucks, it almost makes me not believe in the Love he has for me. But he says it's there and it's there full hearedly.Argh, We'll see right? I just need to satisfy #1 right now, and that's me. That's my number one priority. And with friends, i'm getting a divorce with one of our wives. It's a hard thing right now. We're waiting until Jessy gets her things back to let shit hit the fans. But drugs+friends don't work. Nor will they ever. We can't see our best friend fall under the radar and fuck up her whole life because of cheating on her boyfriend. What is she thinking? Perhpas I won't ever know. And the thing is, it would be different if she decided that she woudl STOP and start all of all over but she's not doing it like that at all. The guy you cheat on, you've got to get out of your life, no friendship, no seeing each other NOTHING, it's the way it is if you don't want feelings to go back up and end up having sex again. *which all ready ahppened, they did AGAIN after saying firneds* I don't care if you have to quit your job, you need to get away from him. Tell your true Love the truth, becuase right now it's "he can't ever know" Well, he will find out.. and the sooner you tell him, the quicker he can get over it. The longer you wait..haha.. it won't even be you saying it, it will take one drunken night, and everyones life is completely screwed over. But that's how she works. she needs the drama. Oy, this is why we are getting a divorce. Friends not drugs. *sticks up fists* Well, i'm like 99.9% sure that I won't ever read this entry again because it's way to long, and I didn't double space. haha. What a loser I am. It's good to get everything out though. Well, I think i'm done for now, i'm going to go drown my self in Blink 182, i haven't listened to them in about 9 months; and wait on Sky to call so I can hear his band play.
Kelly V.