ten/rose fic!: life is walked in circles (1/2)
ten/rose fic!: life is walked in circles (1/2)
pg;
1,195 words
for all the broken fans out there. this is the medicine. and lastly, for the tenth and rose themselves, because this is a story that never ends.
he had never thought that the pain would be this bad.
“where are you going?” wilfred is scared, his eyes shining with fright and unshed tears.
he mumbles something about getting your share of the reward, with a tinge of heroism behind his voice, but other than that, all he feels is the slow pain of dying. each cell is slowly breaking into yellow dust beneath him.
god, and how it hurts.
he meets Martha and Mickey, Sarah and Luke, Donna and her family. they all seem so happy, so finicky and frightfully intact that it’s scary. it’s as if something is waiting to tear them all apart, because that’s how life is. he holds it in his arms, that precious jewel, and the next second it’s gone, blown away and replacing misery and a strong sense of loneliness in his heart. the pressure is unbearable at times. it’s a soft feeling at first, loneliness. it sweeps through him like a ghost and sometimes he gets a shiver, a fleeting sense of his true form and state of mind. however, later on, as he sees people fade in and out of the sands of time, it deals his life like a deck of cards and plays the tricks one by one. each time, the axe falls down, crushing him. but he's made of stronger stuff in the end. and so he holds, glues those pieces of faded glory back together again, and keeps going. to hold it all back.
(in the end though, it had swallowed him up)
“there’s something I need to tell you,” he says to him. it’s strange, looking at a copy of himself. he is alike in every way- the mole on his shoulders, the straight back and the brown eyes, mirroring your every move. even the strands of hair are perfect.
a single copy. and yet, he feels more alone than ever.
the clone looks at him as if he's crazy, but behind the manic pondering, a shadow of seriousness passes.
‘you’re going with her,” he continues. “i have to let her go now.’
but when he finds her, it’s a pain like no other. he forget about cells dying and the world beginning anew and his new sense of mortality. she dances, her blonde hair streaming behind her gleefully, and he knows that even though he can’t touch her, it’s a dream that’s burst into a vivid but twisted nightmare.
and he falls in love with her and old times all over again. it’s a hard fall though. she passes through him as if he's a wall, and he knows that you can never hold her hand again, or whisper endless stories of journeys across planets and burning skies and frozen wastelands ever again. it’s worse than dying. a scream tries to rip through his throat only to be stopped by the tremor of his body as it shakes undeniably, not only to the jolting pain inside him but to the fact that he can never, ever hold her again.
“are you alright, mate?” she asks, and he tries not to let the water leak out of his soulless eyes.
“i’m not you,” the clone screams, and he almost laughs. when had he became this violent inside?
but he hates this. he hates himself for handing her over, like she’s a treat, like she’s a goddamn toy that anyone can play with. because she’s gis, and he knows it. the other him knows it too.
he laughs and suddenly wishes to disappear into thin air, to have never left the mark that would twist her life forever. "something like that, yeah."
she smiles again, and his heart flutters like he's about to break down again, to fall apart and never come back. because it really isn't fair, seeing her like this. he tries to look into her eyes, unflinching, trying not to break. trying so goddamn hard. he wants to reveal everything to her- tell her the words he could never say out loud, to tell her what he feels for her and will go to lengths to so that she's safe, that she's happy and oh god, why, why did it have to be this way?
but he sees her, sees it all- what they will do, what they will accomplish. and he knows he can't speak, he can't tell her, because of the times that will come. they're going to run all over again, all over this universe and nothing was- no, will, ever be the same again.
“you think she’s going to agree with this? do you really think that I- I, a human, one who can never travel again into space and show her the wonders of the world- that I can make her HAPPY?” his eyes are brimming with tears, and for a second, he understands that the clone loved her as much as he did. but not because he had been growing into that love- it was an unconditional sort. one that had been born.
because he was him. no matter how many times he denied that he had mortal flesh, and he smelt like fish, and his heart only beat twice every second, the thing was him.
and he hates himself all the more for giving her to him because of that.
as she flashes him one last look, he knows, he lets the feeling settle in his heart- that she's waiting for him, her eyes searching for him, seeing him but not really seeing him. stumbling, fumbling for the TARDIS, he falls softly, quietly, only to stand up one last time. for one last look, one last breath.
‘i’m letting her go, to give her a chance. to give her the future she could never have with me. to make her happy. and blimey, she’s going to love you. because you’re going to tell her the words that I should have said on that day, a long time ago. the words that could never travel through time and space.”
“you’re going to say, ‘I love you.’ and you won’t be able to fake it if you’re me, because you’re going to mean every word of it. no matter how much you try not to.”
“and you think that’s going to work?” he scoffs. “just like that. Rose Tyler falls for the human. she doesn’t even know I am human-"
“that’s my job. She’ll fall for it because- because-“
he wants to turn, to run, to fight the pain, to let it all go. just one more time. and in the midst of it all, he remembers just one last thing. one last reason, why he didn't turn back on that day, when he had the chance to hold her hand again.
but he knows, at that point. the clone understands just as well as he does. the copy had known it from the start and had fought it down. but they had both seen that it would work, because-
he plugs the key into his only remaining and loyal companion, tears falling freely from his face-
‘-because she’s Rose,” they both chime.
(the pain of living is nothing compared to the pain of dying)
pg;
1,195 words
for all the broken fans out there. this is the medicine. and lastly, for the tenth and rose themselves, because this is a story that never ends.
he had never thought that the pain would be this bad.
“where are you going?” wilfred is scared, his eyes shining with fright and unshed tears.
he mumbles something about getting your share of the reward, with a tinge of heroism behind his voice, but other than that, all he feels is the slow pain of dying. each cell is slowly breaking into yellow dust beneath him.
god, and how it hurts.
he meets Martha and Mickey, Sarah and Luke, Donna and her family. they all seem so happy, so finicky and frightfully intact that it’s scary. it’s as if something is waiting to tear them all apart, because that’s how life is. he holds it in his arms, that precious jewel, and the next second it’s gone, blown away and replacing misery and a strong sense of loneliness in his heart. the pressure is unbearable at times. it’s a soft feeling at first, loneliness. it sweeps through him like a ghost and sometimes he gets a shiver, a fleeting sense of his true form and state of mind. however, later on, as he sees people fade in and out of the sands of time, it deals his life like a deck of cards and plays the tricks one by one. each time, the axe falls down, crushing him. but he's made of stronger stuff in the end. and so he holds, glues those pieces of faded glory back together again, and keeps going. to hold it all back.
(in the end though, it had swallowed him up)
“there’s something I need to tell you,” he says to him. it’s strange, looking at a copy of himself. he is alike in every way- the mole on his shoulders, the straight back and the brown eyes, mirroring your every move. even the strands of hair are perfect.
a single copy. and yet, he feels more alone than ever.
the clone looks at him as if he's crazy, but behind the manic pondering, a shadow of seriousness passes.
‘you’re going with her,” he continues. “i have to let her go now.’
but when he finds her, it’s a pain like no other. he forget about cells dying and the world beginning anew and his new sense of mortality. she dances, her blonde hair streaming behind her gleefully, and he knows that even though he can’t touch her, it’s a dream that’s burst into a vivid but twisted nightmare.
and he falls in love with her and old times all over again. it’s a hard fall though. she passes through him as if he's a wall, and he knows that you can never hold her hand again, or whisper endless stories of journeys across planets and burning skies and frozen wastelands ever again. it’s worse than dying. a scream tries to rip through his throat only to be stopped by the tremor of his body as it shakes undeniably, not only to the jolting pain inside him but to the fact that he can never, ever hold her again.
“are you alright, mate?” she asks, and he tries not to let the water leak out of his soulless eyes.
“i’m not you,” the clone screams, and he almost laughs. when had he became this violent inside?
but he hates this. he hates himself for handing her over, like she’s a treat, like she’s a goddamn toy that anyone can play with. because she’s gis, and he knows it. the other him knows it too.
he laughs and suddenly wishes to disappear into thin air, to have never left the mark that would twist her life forever. "something like that, yeah."
she smiles again, and his heart flutters like he's about to break down again, to fall apart and never come back. because it really isn't fair, seeing her like this. he tries to look into her eyes, unflinching, trying not to break. trying so goddamn hard. he wants to reveal everything to her- tell her the words he could never say out loud, to tell her what he feels for her and will go to lengths to so that she's safe, that she's happy and oh god, why, why did it have to be this way?
but he sees her, sees it all- what they will do, what they will accomplish. and he knows he can't speak, he can't tell her, because of the times that will come. they're going to run all over again, all over this universe and nothing was- no, will, ever be the same again.
“you think she’s going to agree with this? do you really think that I- I, a human, one who can never travel again into space and show her the wonders of the world- that I can make her HAPPY?” his eyes are brimming with tears, and for a second, he understands that the clone loved her as much as he did. but not because he had been growing into that love- it was an unconditional sort. one that had been born.
because he was him. no matter how many times he denied that he had mortal flesh, and he smelt like fish, and his heart only beat twice every second, the thing was him.
and he hates himself all the more for giving her to him because of that.
as she flashes him one last look, he knows, he lets the feeling settle in his heart- that she's waiting for him, her eyes searching for him, seeing him but not really seeing him. stumbling, fumbling for the TARDIS, he falls softly, quietly, only to stand up one last time. for one last look, one last breath.
‘i’m letting her go, to give her a chance. to give her the future she could never have with me. to make her happy. and blimey, she’s going to love you. because you’re going to tell her the words that I should have said on that day, a long time ago. the words that could never travel through time and space.”
“you’re going to say, ‘I love you.’ and you won’t be able to fake it if you’re me, because you’re going to mean every word of it. no matter how much you try not to.”
“and you think that’s going to work?” he scoffs. “just like that. Rose Tyler falls for the human. she doesn’t even know I am human-"
“that’s my job. She’ll fall for it because- because-“
he wants to turn, to run, to fight the pain, to let it all go. just one more time. and in the midst of it all, he remembers just one last thing. one last reason, why he didn't turn back on that day, when he had the chance to hold her hand again.
but he knows, at that point. the clone understands just as well as he does. the copy had known it from the start and had fought it down. but they had both seen that it would work, because-
he plugs the key into his only remaining and loyal companion, tears falling freely from his face-
‘-because she’s Rose,” they both chime.
(the pain of living is nothing compared to the pain of dying)