be careful, it's long
Ahhh... a real post.
Life is fresh. It's no rebirth or anything, it's just like... a woosh. The woosh behind... a really fucking hard punch, or slap in the face. Bits of it sting, but it's overall good, because the crushing part is over with. Thank god the crushing part is over with.
There is a twinge, a worrisome one, but whatever. That's really all I can say to it. Whatever. What may come is just another thing to deal with. That's all.
Mmmmm work starts Tuesday. That's very exciting for me. It's the start of my summer life, and I really am planning on making it a life. I'm bent on some form of intellectual improvement this summer, though I'm trying not to impose on myself at the same time. Thursday I start on my expedition to New England, to check out colleges, and the Big One, Simon's Rock. Complete with potentially life-changing interview.
I'm really hoping for something good there. Nothing great, but something that's just good. It's me that makes it great after all, nothing can ever come great. A place with interesting classes, a pretty setting (this I can count on, the place is in forest-y Massachusets), a sizeable pool of interesting and down to earth people, and freedom. I dunno, I think I'm just afraid of going stagnant, you know? Maybe I'm just so intent on a move because everyone around me it seems is going to change too. If I'm stuck with these years without you guys, I might as well do what you're doing! Right now, this summer, I just feel like being safe though. I haven't been safe for a long time. Always on the edge of something. This year has been very dangerous for me. Hah, like a 'Nam of sorts.
I'm having trouble thinking of the excitement and neccessity of change right now just because I'm really cozy in bed at the moment. I find much comfort at the moment in the idea of going back into the same bed every night. I hate the idea of something like that every day, but as long as it's the same bed, at the end of the day, it's safe. Always having a safe place to go back to, you know? My god do I sound like Catcher in the Rye right now. Just the inner image of me going anywhere everywhere in the world during the day, and finally retiring to this same white four-poster iron trundle day bed sitting in the middle of a crackle-walled, dusty room in Morrocco. The same smells, the same warmth I'm feeling right now. There's a lot of romance to it.(at SR I would have the same bed every day though, so there's something, eh?)
I still overall want to GO though. I feel like I have the possibilities and the meat in me for it. I don't want it to rot in the meantime. It's new meat! I mean, if I smoke it or salt it in the meantime it'll work too, it's possible, but it won't be as... fresh, and raw, and moldable perhaps.
The last couple of days have been beautiful. I was definitely feeling crowded a lot of the time as I'm the type that needs a lot of room, but a whole lot of it was beautiful. The buzzing of lemon-square-making,IHOP's busy greasy kitchen right next to us as we ate colorful artificial foods (a truly artful awareness was brought by the loud steam and metal right next to us as we ate sugared eggs and sawdust-flavored bacon), the sweet air of the summer night and crawling collections of fireflies, all accompanied by the grace of old friends melding with one or two new. Hey, none of them are exactly straight-up happiness, it's not ever as contant as that, always a heterogenious mix, in this case mixed with an odd buzz, but it's good, and I'm happy with good today.
I like good. It's a very satisfactory and decided word. Good. :)
So yeah. Life is good. After all, is there really such a thing as great?
Life is fresh. It's no rebirth or anything, it's just like... a woosh. The woosh behind... a really fucking hard punch, or slap in the face. Bits of it sting, but it's overall good, because the crushing part is over with. Thank god the crushing part is over with.
There is a twinge, a worrisome one, but whatever. That's really all I can say to it. Whatever. What may come is just another thing to deal with. That's all.
Mmmmm work starts Tuesday. That's very exciting for me. It's the start of my summer life, and I really am planning on making it a life. I'm bent on some form of intellectual improvement this summer, though I'm trying not to impose on myself at the same time. Thursday I start on my expedition to New England, to check out colleges, and the Big One, Simon's Rock. Complete with potentially life-changing interview.
I'm really hoping for something good there. Nothing great, but something that's just good. It's me that makes it great after all, nothing can ever come great. A place with interesting classes, a pretty setting (this I can count on, the place is in forest-y Massachusets), a sizeable pool of interesting and down to earth people, and freedom. I dunno, I think I'm just afraid of going stagnant, you know? Maybe I'm just so intent on a move because everyone around me it seems is going to change too. If I'm stuck with these years without you guys, I might as well do what you're doing! Right now, this summer, I just feel like being safe though. I haven't been safe for a long time. Always on the edge of something. This year has been very dangerous for me. Hah, like a 'Nam of sorts.
I'm having trouble thinking of the excitement and neccessity of change right now just because I'm really cozy in bed at the moment. I find much comfort at the moment in the idea of going back into the same bed every night. I hate the idea of something like that every day, but as long as it's the same bed, at the end of the day, it's safe. Always having a safe place to go back to, you know? My god do I sound like Catcher in the Rye right now. Just the inner image of me going anywhere everywhere in the world during the day, and finally retiring to this same white four-poster iron trundle day bed sitting in the middle of a crackle-walled, dusty room in Morrocco. The same smells, the same warmth I'm feeling right now. There's a lot of romance to it.(at SR I would have the same bed every day though, so there's something, eh?)
I still overall want to GO though. I feel like I have the possibilities and the meat in me for it. I don't want it to rot in the meantime. It's new meat! I mean, if I smoke it or salt it in the meantime it'll work too, it's possible, but it won't be as... fresh, and raw, and moldable perhaps.
The last couple of days have been beautiful. I was definitely feeling crowded a lot of the time as I'm the type that needs a lot of room, but a whole lot of it was beautiful. The buzzing of lemon-square-making,IHOP's busy greasy kitchen right next to us as we ate colorful artificial foods (a truly artful awareness was brought by the loud steam and metal right next to us as we ate sugared eggs and sawdust-flavored bacon), the sweet air of the summer night and crawling collections of fireflies, all accompanied by the grace of old friends melding with one or two new. Hey, none of them are exactly straight-up happiness, it's not ever as contant as that, always a heterogenious mix, in this case mixed with an odd buzz, but it's good, and I'm happy with good today.
I like good. It's a very satisfactory and decided word. Good. :)
So yeah. Life is good. After all, is there really such a thing as great?