so i know i dont post often
but that makes the times i do post more epic and special. at least to me it does.
what the fuck is up with me lately? why am i such an asshole? like i know im a dick sometimes but lately ive been such a pissy bitch and i feel so bad because ive been taking it out on amanda and she doesn't deserve that at all - not with all the stress tension going on in the apartment.
i tried appologizing and she just kinda was like "whatever". :-(
maybe its the build up of everything. she's right - i have been bottling in a lot. anger, emotion, a lot of things.
lets see if i can get it out here and now.
i miss my friends. the ones who probably dont even remember me anymore cause im never around. and the ones who fucked me over so much although one of them meant no harm and i hope her and her fiance are doing well (im so excited for your wedding i hope im invited!!!).
for some reason i find myself missing eastern. maybe its because im losing faith in the whole finding a job deal and think school is a good backburner cause its something to do. maybe its just cause im nostalgic but i know its not because i want to go back to who i was - i truely think its because i yern for something to fucking do. more than likely why ive been looking at enrolling in another school too. like MI in cali, Full Sail in florida or ITT for criminal justice.
get me a fucking career dammit. im 22 for christs sake. im losing my faith in the video field.
i find myself missing heather too. kinda odd and awkward. not so much missing the love we had and the connection we had but more so missing her as a friend and her family as friends. i loved to go fuckin chill with her dad or mom while she was gone or sleeping and just bullshit about stuff. or playing with her nephews.
and i find myself worrying about ashley lately too. she posted not that long ago about her knees again and its good to know that some doctor finally got his fucking head in the right place and found out what the deal is and how to fix it but i feel bad for her because its her 23453523432 surgery on her legs. shes not the same person i knew so i know the whole friendship thing isnt really there but it sucks. i kinda wanna send her a get well package when she goes back with like ramen and shit but i dont wanna seem like a stalker. lol.
i find myself having mixed feelings towards many people im now 'friends' with. theres someone in the apartment who decided to vocally challenge me the other day and i went off. i think that kinda has something to do with my mood lately cause ive been this way since then. i wanted so badly to get violent. many people dont understand that theres a little red line for me that is soooo hard for me to go over. but once i do....well its only happened twice before - once i got suspended for giving matt 18 stiches in his face and the other time i theated the life of someone by lifting them like 3 feet against a wall with a pocket knife. joyce did a good job of calming me down.
the story goes on from there and much of it you all dont need to know but you can cut the tension with a knife.
theres another guy who lives with them who i just dont get. he is the laziest mother fucker ever until he decideds to do something. his clothes (full of cat piss) have been on the balcony for fuckin almost 2 months cause he hasnt brought them in to clean them. ugh.
then theres joyce. shes been quite the annoyance lately but to an extent i can understand. shes in her second trimester now and her hormones are starting to get the best of her - which sucks. i feel bad for her because she doesnt mean to get like that and she doesnt intentionally get sick or sore it just kinda happens. wish i could help.
then theres pam.
spawn of satan. i dont get it. i dont think she realizes that i cant stand her and i hate her. but sometimes i cant help but side with her on certain subjects.
ryan just moved in too. hes cool.
then theres amanda. i dont know what id do without her. its been less than 3 months but feels like so much longer. i basically live with her so i spend about everyday with her until recently. i have a need to stay home a bit more a) due to work and b) due to my financial issues that need to be solved. she says she does but im not sure she gets how much she means to me and what i would do for her and us. it was kind of nice to have a someone just kinda pop into my life. i met her because shes joyces roommate. i decided to get drunk and start calling joyce and started to visit and decided i had a thing for her roommate who seemingly had a thing for me too. id give anything to have her in my arms right now. she makes my world feel better.
ok ive decided to stop ranting cause im getting sick of listening to my own thoughts.
maybe more later.
peace out.
p.s. (fuck off im not gonna LJcut this cause im a lazy bitch so get over it)
what the fuck is up with me lately? why am i such an asshole? like i know im a dick sometimes but lately ive been such a pissy bitch and i feel so bad because ive been taking it out on amanda and she doesn't deserve that at all - not with all the stress tension going on in the apartment.
i tried appologizing and she just kinda was like "whatever". :-(
maybe its the build up of everything. she's right - i have been bottling in a lot. anger, emotion, a lot of things.
lets see if i can get it out here and now.
i miss my friends. the ones who probably dont even remember me anymore cause im never around. and the ones who fucked me over so much although one of them meant no harm and i hope her and her fiance are doing well (im so excited for your wedding i hope im invited!!!).
for some reason i find myself missing eastern. maybe its because im losing faith in the whole finding a job deal and think school is a good backburner cause its something to do. maybe its just cause im nostalgic but i know its not because i want to go back to who i was - i truely think its because i yern for something to fucking do. more than likely why ive been looking at enrolling in another school too. like MI in cali, Full Sail in florida or ITT for criminal justice.
get me a fucking career dammit. im 22 for christs sake. im losing my faith in the video field.
i find myself missing heather too. kinda odd and awkward. not so much missing the love we had and the connection we had but more so missing her as a friend and her family as friends. i loved to go fuckin chill with her dad or mom while she was gone or sleeping and just bullshit about stuff. or playing with her nephews.
and i find myself worrying about ashley lately too. she posted not that long ago about her knees again and its good to know that some doctor finally got his fucking head in the right place and found out what the deal is and how to fix it but i feel bad for her because its her 23453523432 surgery on her legs. shes not the same person i knew so i know the whole friendship thing isnt really there but it sucks. i kinda wanna send her a get well package when she goes back with like ramen and shit but i dont wanna seem like a stalker. lol.
i find myself having mixed feelings towards many people im now 'friends' with. theres someone in the apartment who decided to vocally challenge me the other day and i went off. i think that kinda has something to do with my mood lately cause ive been this way since then. i wanted so badly to get violent. many people dont understand that theres a little red line for me that is soooo hard for me to go over. but once i do....well its only happened twice before - once i got suspended for giving matt 18 stiches in his face and the other time i theated the life of someone by lifting them like 3 feet against a wall with a pocket knife. joyce did a good job of calming me down.
the story goes on from there and much of it you all dont need to know but you can cut the tension with a knife.
theres another guy who lives with them who i just dont get. he is the laziest mother fucker ever until he decideds to do something. his clothes (full of cat piss) have been on the balcony for fuckin almost 2 months cause he hasnt brought them in to clean them. ugh.
then theres joyce. shes been quite the annoyance lately but to an extent i can understand. shes in her second trimester now and her hormones are starting to get the best of her - which sucks. i feel bad for her because she doesnt mean to get like that and she doesnt intentionally get sick or sore it just kinda happens. wish i could help.
then theres pam.
spawn of satan. i dont get it. i dont think she realizes that i cant stand her and i hate her. but sometimes i cant help but side with her on certain subjects.
ryan just moved in too. hes cool.
then theres amanda. i dont know what id do without her. its been less than 3 months but feels like so much longer. i basically live with her so i spend about everyday with her until recently. i have a need to stay home a bit more a) due to work and b) due to my financial issues that need to be solved. she says she does but im not sure she gets how much she means to me and what i would do for her and us. it was kind of nice to have a someone just kinda pop into my life. i met her because shes joyces roommate. i decided to get drunk and start calling joyce and started to visit and decided i had a thing for her roommate who seemingly had a thing for me too. id give anything to have her in my arms right now. she makes my world feel better.
ok ive decided to stop ranting cause im getting sick of listening to my own thoughts.
maybe more later.
peace out.
p.s. (fuck off im not gonna LJcut this cause im a lazy bitch so get over it)