(no subject)
i'm alive!
okay so, since last time i updated a lot of things have happened.
my mother has been having back trouble and chronic pain for almost a year, and they were trying to find the disc in her back that was causing it but couldn't find anything wrong with her backbone/spine/discs et cetera. of course, not before forcing her to get cortisone injections into her spine 3 times in 3 spots. so when that made it worse they thought it was a nerve thing, and did all sorts of tests to find out why her nerves are fucked up, and then they finally did an MRI of the spot that was hurting. they saw something they thought was on her kidney, but it turned out to be her ovaries. the ultrasound showed a baseball-sized something on her left one and a whole bunch of little somethings on her right one, and the echo they heard made them think it was precancerous. they scheduled a hysterectomy and she had it last thursday, and after all of that crap it wasn't even her ovaries, it was her fallopian tubes. but it wasn't cancer, just precancer and they said she shouldn't need anymore treatment.
at work things are good overall, but they are only working me on the weekends and as a result i have not had any extra money. rarely can i pay for my own food or movie tickets when i go out with friends, and it sucks a lot. jeff neglected to tell us that saturday was his last day working at starbucks, so in order to fix the schedule mishaps i may have to work on my birthday. such crap!
school just plain sucks lately. my english class is way harder than i thought it would be. not working out as much as i said i would when i started, missing almost every single monday due to grandma being in town and fighting with the boy and my mom and other random things. math is hard and i haven't been able to focus on much of anything since all the stuff with my mom happened, so i have been doing pretty badly in those two classes. i'm doing pretty okay in my health class, as far as i know. and choir is good, how can i not do well in choir? all i have to do is be there.
things with chris have been okay for the most part, just a lot of stress making things hard for both of us and i've been exceptionally moody. i cause a lot of fights nowadays. not just with him, with my family and friends. i had to get an appliance to wear to bed so i don't grind my teeth, and it's kind of making it worse but keeping me from wearing my teeth down. i grind more because i have a hunk of plastic in my mouth that i instinctually feel the need to chew on in my sleep, but that hunk of plastic protects my teeth. so my jaw still aches all the time, but the long term damage is no longer a threat. oh boy. everyone seems to want me to go on medication so i don't overstress, but i don't really want to do that. i dunno, maybe i need it.
today was both good and bad. i got to relax with my mom and grandma and niece, and i got a bunch of homework finished and started my 10 page english paper. however, my dad subtly threatened to kick me out of the house because of *get this* my messy room. in addition to this, kyle and vicky and tyler didn't come over because vicky's uncle wasn't expected to last the night, but he didn't last the afternoon. and on top of all of that, my brother ryan's best friend since we moved into this house, his first real friend since he moved to vancouver, died in his sleep last night. the guy was even younger than my brother, he was only 22 years old and hadn't been taking any drugs or anything, and he went to sleep and just didn't wake up. all of this news, and i didn't talk to my boy all day long except for 5 minutes where he was busy with another friend. i knew as soon as he answered the phone that i shouldn't have called, i can always seem to tell when he's busy even if he doesn't say so. it's just kind of been a hard day and he's leaving this weekend and i wish i could've seen him.
tomorrow is going to be long and, well, interesting. i'll have choir, possibly the gym, and then writing center, math quiz, and math class. sometime between all of those things i want to write my paper or at least get an outline finished. then after my math class i'm supposed to come home and spend time with grandma and mother, work on paper and math homework, and go see star wars. i'm thinking of bailing on that since i have a lot of work to do and have to go to the airport to drop my grandma off early thursday morning.
i just feel kind of stuck as far as school goes, because there is an exam on monday in math and i'm nowhere near prepared. i know chris and i won't be able to find time to study together, and i'm not sure if i'll be able to get it done on my own with work and other such things going on. i basically have to take care of my mom when my dad goes back to work, i can't just leave and go out when she's up and about. i feel stressed, trapped, and emotionally exhausted. i just want a hug. and maybe someone who is really smart at math to do my homework for me and take my test for me. i haven't even started the take home quiz that's due tomorrow.
thinking about this all right now, all i feel like doing is crying. and frankly, at the moment i don't want to go to camp. i feel like i'll be abandoning my mother while she's recovering and needs me to be there, and i won't have a single moment to rest between school, camp, and school again. i've basically been working nonstop since the start of senior year. i didn't have a summer vacation, and almost as soon as i got back from camp i got a new job. school was right on top of that job, and now i've got camp the day after my last final and i've got to go back to work the day after i get back from camp. don't get me wrong, i've already commited to camp and i'm not going to back out, but i'm just dreading it. i haven't gotten half of the things i need ready to go, and it's like 3 weeks away. before i go i have to thoroughly clean my room so my dad won't kick me out which will, undoubtedly, be a process that takes up an entire day of my time. i don't have an entire day to clean my room. i don't even have an entire day to get ready for camp or write a paper. i can't breathe. i'm going to call someone. writing isn't enough anymore.
okay so, since last time i updated a lot of things have happened.
my mother has been having back trouble and chronic pain for almost a year, and they were trying to find the disc in her back that was causing it but couldn't find anything wrong with her backbone/spine/discs et cetera. of course, not before forcing her to get cortisone injections into her spine 3 times in 3 spots. so when that made it worse they thought it was a nerve thing, and did all sorts of tests to find out why her nerves are fucked up, and then they finally did an MRI of the spot that was hurting. they saw something they thought was on her kidney, but it turned out to be her ovaries. the ultrasound showed a baseball-sized something on her left one and a whole bunch of little somethings on her right one, and the echo they heard made them think it was precancerous. they scheduled a hysterectomy and she had it last thursday, and after all of that crap it wasn't even her ovaries, it was her fallopian tubes. but it wasn't cancer, just precancer and they said she shouldn't need anymore treatment.
at work things are good overall, but they are only working me on the weekends and as a result i have not had any extra money. rarely can i pay for my own food or movie tickets when i go out with friends, and it sucks a lot. jeff neglected to tell us that saturday was his last day working at starbucks, so in order to fix the schedule mishaps i may have to work on my birthday. such crap!
school just plain sucks lately. my english class is way harder than i thought it would be. not working out as much as i said i would when i started, missing almost every single monday due to grandma being in town and fighting with the boy and my mom and other random things. math is hard and i haven't been able to focus on much of anything since all the stuff with my mom happened, so i have been doing pretty badly in those two classes. i'm doing pretty okay in my health class, as far as i know. and choir is good, how can i not do well in choir? all i have to do is be there.
things with chris have been okay for the most part, just a lot of stress making things hard for both of us and i've been exceptionally moody. i cause a lot of fights nowadays. not just with him, with my family and friends. i had to get an appliance to wear to bed so i don't grind my teeth, and it's kind of making it worse but keeping me from wearing my teeth down. i grind more because i have a hunk of plastic in my mouth that i instinctually feel the need to chew on in my sleep, but that hunk of plastic protects my teeth. so my jaw still aches all the time, but the long term damage is no longer a threat. oh boy. everyone seems to want me to go on medication so i don't overstress, but i don't really want to do that. i dunno, maybe i need it.
today was both good and bad. i got to relax with my mom and grandma and niece, and i got a bunch of homework finished and started my 10 page english paper. however, my dad subtly threatened to kick me out of the house because of *get this* my messy room. in addition to this, kyle and vicky and tyler didn't come over because vicky's uncle wasn't expected to last the night, but he didn't last the afternoon. and on top of all of that, my brother ryan's best friend since we moved into this house, his first real friend since he moved to vancouver, died in his sleep last night. the guy was even younger than my brother, he was only 22 years old and hadn't been taking any drugs or anything, and he went to sleep and just didn't wake up. all of this news, and i didn't talk to my boy all day long except for 5 minutes where he was busy with another friend. i knew as soon as he answered the phone that i shouldn't have called, i can always seem to tell when he's busy even if he doesn't say so. it's just kind of been a hard day and he's leaving this weekend and i wish i could've seen him.
tomorrow is going to be long and, well, interesting. i'll have choir, possibly the gym, and then writing center, math quiz, and math class. sometime between all of those things i want to write my paper or at least get an outline finished. then after my math class i'm supposed to come home and spend time with grandma and mother, work on paper and math homework, and go see star wars. i'm thinking of bailing on that since i have a lot of work to do and have to go to the airport to drop my grandma off early thursday morning.
i just feel kind of stuck as far as school goes, because there is an exam on monday in math and i'm nowhere near prepared. i know chris and i won't be able to find time to study together, and i'm not sure if i'll be able to get it done on my own with work and other such things going on. i basically have to take care of my mom when my dad goes back to work, i can't just leave and go out when she's up and about. i feel stressed, trapped, and emotionally exhausted. i just want a hug. and maybe someone who is really smart at math to do my homework for me and take my test for me. i haven't even started the take home quiz that's due tomorrow.
thinking about this all right now, all i feel like doing is crying. and frankly, at the moment i don't want to go to camp. i feel like i'll be abandoning my mother while she's recovering and needs me to be there, and i won't have a single moment to rest between school, camp, and school again. i've basically been working nonstop since the start of senior year. i didn't have a summer vacation, and almost as soon as i got back from camp i got a new job. school was right on top of that job, and now i've got camp the day after my last final and i've got to go back to work the day after i get back from camp. don't get me wrong, i've already commited to camp and i'm not going to back out, but i'm just dreading it. i haven't gotten half of the things i need ready to go, and it's like 3 weeks away. before i go i have to thoroughly clean my room so my dad won't kick me out which will, undoubtedly, be a process that takes up an entire day of my time. i don't have an entire day to clean my room. i don't even have an entire day to get ready for camp or write a paper. i can't breathe. i'm going to call someone. writing isn't enough anymore.