the perks of being a thinker
i think my ex-boyfriend is a serial killer in the making. or maybe that's just because i watched Zodiac last night and my ex-boyfriend happens to be a little creepy like that. oh well, it's not like he even talks to me anyway, so i probably have nothing to worry about. ok but i am not actually worried because he isn't a serial killer, i dont think. he just supports satan and listens to heavy metal and doesn't want to ever have a girlfriend or be in love with one or have sex even though he has those urges (he just represses them) and wants to be brooding and alone forever?? he's not evil??? (P.S. if i ever die under mysterious terms i expect this is what ya'll will show the cops). man i sure know how to pick 'em.
apart from that, i am in greenwood indiana in my dad's basement on a bed and i just drove a long way back from springfield, missouri, where i was visiting my grandparents and my aunt, uncle, and cousins. it was a nice visit. i had also driven to thornville, ohio to visit another (and my favorite) aunt and uncle a week or so ago. altogether i think i've driven about 1,400 miles this trip. it was important to see my family because i dont think i'll be back in the continental united states for a very extended period of time once i leave for hawaii. which is coming up. in like three weeks. i'm about to go on amazon and order about a million books about it and other things, like biographies. learning is way more fun when you dont have things to learn prescribed by school, i think. and i have definitely decided that i much prefer non-fiction to fiction. LEARNING IS FUN@!)#!@@!!!
i think i miss gainesville? by the time i had left there had been quite enough drama that i was happy to get out of there. i do miss my ladies though... TAURUS TRIO REPRESENT!!! + ashley, my designer alter ego. duh.
i realized i get my ability to write people off from my father. and it hasn't done him much good... so i think i am going to continue working on not doing that. i also realized that i let my ego get in the way of problems with people, and ego is a tricky mothafucker. my ego is way sensitive, probably because up until recently i didn't realize how much i did not love myself. i think i really get it now. i think that i could finally put my life's needs above my lonliness at this point because i finally am starting to really LOOOVVE MYSELF. like all i wanna do is spend time wit my damn self. i know that sounds lame and you're probably all like "why the fuck didn't she get that earlier" but fuck you i didnt and i think i've done pretty well besides that. except for the fact that i have been a moron about certain subjects. but i guess that's ok cuz everyone has been. and sssrrrrssslllyy i'm so not at a point in life that i even want love or a bf or anything, even if it should come my way in the form of a navy seal who is basically jason bourne and sexy as fuck.. i dont think i've been that way since i was like, 10. its so goddamned refreshing. freeedommmmm, freeeeeedom....
i am using my yoga practice and meditations to help myself to this nirvana like state of being emotionally and physically self-sufficient, and fully believe it to be working. in fact i got the ego tip-off from a yoga book. good shit. perks of being a thinker: you get exponentially better at life.
peace and love
cassandra mcsunshine