(no subject)
I think I've finally decided what I've been feeling the last couple of weeks. Could it possibly be that I am content;is this the calm that I've so needed?\Con*tent"\, n. 1. Rest or quietness of the mind in one's present condition; freedom from discontent; satisfaction; contentment; happiness. I finally feel like maybe I have a shot of getting my act together,like maybe I'm as much as a failure as I once thought. I've looked over past friendships and realized a lot of things about myself and relationships. My romantic experiences in my past life were really nothing but artificial. You really shouldn't date someone when you know that it's going to end horribly within the first ten minutes. More than that, you shouldn't date a person to prove a point to yourself or anyone else. Looking back everything was one-sided. I craved attention from someone, anyone. I was looking to the outside to make my problems disappear, when really I needed to focus on my reaction to the problems. No one else in life can make those sorts of things just "go away", best case scenario you'll have someone to support you as you face your obstacles. What I'm trying to say is in the past my dating has been based on stupid, stupid things. There were people I shouldn't have been with, people I should have smacked, and the overly-religious types I never should have gotten involved with. I don't know what I ever saw in these guys...honestly. They were all immature for the age, not looking for anything but that of the physical nature.Now it just feels like life is so in order. I'm living with my Mom, and we have our moments, but for the most part we're ok. Megan and I have resolved our differences for the most part, and I can't wait to start some sewing/knitting projects and visit her in beautiful Columbia, at USC. James is basically everything I've ever wanted in a boyfriend, or friend. He's so incredibly good for me, and keeps me grounded. For the first time I'm not afraid to say I love you, and I'm not terrified about commitment. It's just so special. I never get tired of being with him, and he amazes me more everyday. Next year should be a blast!!! I can't wait!!! I even think that maybe I've become slightly quieter....more reserved maybe? Either way...this is the beginning of the end of High School, and I plan on enjoying every minute of it!!!!