Where does joy come from?
My body is my link to the present.
My mind is the link to the future.
The land links the two.
Let's return to my body for awhile.
I've been eating fairly well lately. It's often so hard for me to eat; the fact that I need to, or that I like something, or especially that I've put love and anticipation into something, trips my PDA. I also have tended to have a scarcity mentality around food, and especially food that (I now realize) is ok for my senses. Plus, I'm sensory-seeking with food: I use it as a "stim", a way to get from my head into my body, a way to stabilize mood, and so I come to feel like I "should" eat food that will make me feel better rather than worse. And of course sometimes I just can't handle some part of the sensory experience of food, or the many steps required for it.
So all that aside when Kelsey was here we ate well because making food she liked together was fun and eating together is one of my favourite things. Plus she didn't eat in the mornings, so I could focus my attention on making nice evening meals. Over the holidays I ate well because Tucker was here and there were snacks around; I could always pull something together for us, he helped cook a lot and especially in mornings. I've been carrying that on recently, plus I've had a windfall of some instant meals (freezer & fancy ramen) around the house that I didn't cook, which makes them much easier to eat. Finally I've been allowing myself to eat in "luxury" mode more and more over the last year: if I eat something I'm allowed to spend money to replace it if it's a money thing, if I raised or grew it I cherish it and thank it but don't try and keep some back in case I need it "later". So: I've been drinking milk and having fresh veggies, plus I've had some truly lovely duck & potato dishes and some equally lovely ground pork & rice dishes, all interspersed with something microwaveable or a bowl of cereal (also a luxury).
My body is building muscle, a lot a lot of it on my traps, deltoids, and to some extent my upper arms. I've been running up and down the stairs maybe 20x fewer per day with no visitors, so my legs are resting. Physical work is feeling easier, and to ease that along more I'm going to try and do at least 20 minutes of yoga per day. I can do it during a work-break when I'm working from home; I will do it even when Tucker is visiting since I've cleared a place on the loft balcony.
I'd like to pick up free movement again but I can't, quite. Maybe when I've taken down the sausage table from the livingroom and there's more space there. Meantime I'm trying to listen to music a couple times a week; it helps.
These building blocks of life, food and movement, are fundamental to my happiness. The big picture is overwhelming. I don't know how to sort myself out of this social situation. I can't control what people around me do, which means I can expect them to filter out of my life and maybe filter back in at some other point. I want to cut down on social media consumption but it seems that keeping a phone with me will become more and more necessary for social contact as folks move away. But.
The joy I can give to myself, the care that I can give to myself, the knowledge through action that I am here for my body: that I can work towards, one day at a time, days where it's achieved can be victories and ones where it isn't can receive compassion.
It's still cold but sunlight is returning. The wheel doesn't cease to turn.
My mind is the link to the future.
The land links the two.
Let's return to my body for awhile.
I've been eating fairly well lately. It's often so hard for me to eat; the fact that I need to, or that I like something, or especially that I've put love and anticipation into something, trips my PDA. I also have tended to have a scarcity mentality around food, and especially food that (I now realize) is ok for my senses. Plus, I'm sensory-seeking with food: I use it as a "stim", a way to get from my head into my body, a way to stabilize mood, and so I come to feel like I "should" eat food that will make me feel better rather than worse. And of course sometimes I just can't handle some part of the sensory experience of food, or the many steps required for it.
So all that aside when Kelsey was here we ate well because making food she liked together was fun and eating together is one of my favourite things. Plus she didn't eat in the mornings, so I could focus my attention on making nice evening meals. Over the holidays I ate well because Tucker was here and there were snacks around; I could always pull something together for us, he helped cook a lot and especially in mornings. I've been carrying that on recently, plus I've had a windfall of some instant meals (freezer & fancy ramen) around the house that I didn't cook, which makes them much easier to eat. Finally I've been allowing myself to eat in "luxury" mode more and more over the last year: if I eat something I'm allowed to spend money to replace it if it's a money thing, if I raised or grew it I cherish it and thank it but don't try and keep some back in case I need it "later". So: I've been drinking milk and having fresh veggies, plus I've had some truly lovely duck & potato dishes and some equally lovely ground pork & rice dishes, all interspersed with something microwaveable or a bowl of cereal (also a luxury).
My body is building muscle, a lot a lot of it on my traps, deltoids, and to some extent my upper arms. I've been running up and down the stairs maybe 20x fewer per day with no visitors, so my legs are resting. Physical work is feeling easier, and to ease that along more I'm going to try and do at least 20 minutes of yoga per day. I can do it during a work-break when I'm working from home; I will do it even when Tucker is visiting since I've cleared a place on the loft balcony.
I'd like to pick up free movement again but I can't, quite. Maybe when I've taken down the sausage table from the livingroom and there's more space there. Meantime I'm trying to listen to music a couple times a week; it helps.
These building blocks of life, food and movement, are fundamental to my happiness. The big picture is overwhelming. I don't know how to sort myself out of this social situation. I can't control what people around me do, which means I can expect them to filter out of my life and maybe filter back in at some other point. I want to cut down on social media consumption but it seems that keeping a phone with me will become more and more necessary for social contact as folks move away. But.
The joy I can give to myself, the care that I can give to myself, the knowledge through action that I am here for my body: that I can work towards, one day at a time, days where it's achieved can be victories and ones where it isn't can receive compassion.
It's still cold but sunlight is returning. The wheel doesn't cease to turn.