Attenuation
The general rule is: spend time and effort on something in proportion to how well it serves you, to how well it nourishes you, to how good it is for you.
It's so easy to forget, and it's so easy to lose sight of what something does for me underneath the layers of what I think I should do for something and under what I'm in the habit of doing.
Relationship is hardest for this.
If I were asked, would I sacrifice my happiness to make someone else completely happy? the answer might be yes some days. But the truth is that being unhappy is not supportive of someone, it's not helpful to them. It just freights more weight onto whatever they're doing. They can't trust you to care for yourself so they have to step back, guess, elide and carry that nebulous burden in addition to whatever they need to sort out for themselves at that time.
That kind of deal - my unhappiness for your happiness - is only good if it's cleanly communicated and truly agreed. Guessing at what makes someone else happy and then doing it for them without ever checking in, especially when the thing makes you unhappy, that's just a way for everyone to waste emotional resources.
I'm writing this because I'm seeking a guide.
Arranging clean trades, and having clean communication in general, is complicated by folks not knowing what they want and also by folks saying what they think you want to hear. In the former situation iteration makes sense and I find it reassuring: let's try this for so long and then check back. Let's collect data and update our plans based on that new data. I love data. In the latter situation there's no way out under your own control. You cannot make yourself know what someone else wants in order to take that into account. You cannot make someone tell you what they actually want instead of what they think you want to hear. I don't know how to be reassured in that scenario.
I'm writing this because I'm not reassured.
I've always believed that more, and more accurate, information on the part of all parties leads to better choices. The more someone tells you about how they feel, how they think, and what they want, the better decisions you can make together. This of course works both ways. When information is restricted a process becomes less collaborative; instead of creatively seeking situations that take all that information into account you're reduced to guessing blindly at what will work and saying no to what doesn't work for you. You're left with tearing down, with vetoing, instead of working together to build. It isolates us all.
I'm writing this because I'm a builder.
I know that not everything needs to be talked about before it happens. I know that structures, even good structures, can be set up through the gentle give-and-take of daily actions instead of through conversation. Conversation needs to have a place in my life though, and a big one.
And-- I like conversation. Conversation and gardening are the two hobbies I actually like. Everything else just follows from those. I like getting to know people. I like seeing what's in there, learning to understand how it goes together. That understanding, and the acceptance of it, is how I express my love.
Love for someone who keeps me out is impersonal, it lives with my love for people generally. It's the one way I know to make my more immediate feelings fade. People are or me, or they are not. If not, well there are plenty of folks who are if I can manage to find them.
I know this about myself. It's not new. It's not debatable. Things can always surprise me but there's no reason to expect things to be different.
Remember this.
It's so easy to forget, and it's so easy to lose sight of what something does for me underneath the layers of what I think I should do for something and under what I'm in the habit of doing.
Relationship is hardest for this.
If I were asked, would I sacrifice my happiness to make someone else completely happy? the answer might be yes some days. But the truth is that being unhappy is not supportive of someone, it's not helpful to them. It just freights more weight onto whatever they're doing. They can't trust you to care for yourself so they have to step back, guess, elide and carry that nebulous burden in addition to whatever they need to sort out for themselves at that time.
That kind of deal - my unhappiness for your happiness - is only good if it's cleanly communicated and truly agreed. Guessing at what makes someone else happy and then doing it for them without ever checking in, especially when the thing makes you unhappy, that's just a way for everyone to waste emotional resources.
I'm writing this because I'm seeking a guide.
Arranging clean trades, and having clean communication in general, is complicated by folks not knowing what they want and also by folks saying what they think you want to hear. In the former situation iteration makes sense and I find it reassuring: let's try this for so long and then check back. Let's collect data and update our plans based on that new data. I love data. In the latter situation there's no way out under your own control. You cannot make yourself know what someone else wants in order to take that into account. You cannot make someone tell you what they actually want instead of what they think you want to hear. I don't know how to be reassured in that scenario.
I'm writing this because I'm not reassured.
I've always believed that more, and more accurate, information on the part of all parties leads to better choices. The more someone tells you about how they feel, how they think, and what they want, the better decisions you can make together. This of course works both ways. When information is restricted a process becomes less collaborative; instead of creatively seeking situations that take all that information into account you're reduced to guessing blindly at what will work and saying no to what doesn't work for you. You're left with tearing down, with vetoing, instead of working together to build. It isolates us all.
I'm writing this because I'm a builder.
I know that not everything needs to be talked about before it happens. I know that structures, even good structures, can be set up through the gentle give-and-take of daily actions instead of through conversation. Conversation needs to have a place in my life though, and a big one.
And-- I like conversation. Conversation and gardening are the two hobbies I actually like. Everything else just follows from those. I like getting to know people. I like seeing what's in there, learning to understand how it goes together. That understanding, and the acceptance of it, is how I express my love.
Love for someone who keeps me out is impersonal, it lives with my love for people generally. It's the one way I know to make my more immediate feelings fade. People are or me, or they are not. If not, well there are plenty of folks who are if I can manage to find them.
I know this about myself. It's not new. It's not debatable. Things can always surprise me but there's no reason to expect things to be different.
Remember this.