That's what happened but how do I feel about it?
Killing the piglet comes on the heels of a great weekend with Tucker and a fairly productive week at work. My feelings are definitely returning.
Some of them are weird feelings that lead me into extended metaphors. For instance, eight or nine months ago and then again this week I've noticed that when I'm in the yoga pose pigeon on my left hip I want to cry. Now this isn't "my body hurts and I'm crying from pain" it's just... there's crying in that stretch. Quite a lot of crying. It's surprising because that's my good hip; my right hip has taken most of my carrying/first foot forward/shoveling/etc weight for many years and it's achy and cranky sometimes. It's definitely wearing out a bit. So when I think about the uncomplaining left hip that's been shouldering the extra load as my right hip wears out, and which hides sadness inside itself until it's pushed hard in a safe space, well.
I also am crying again with the... whatever it's called when you lie on your back and put a block under the top part of the spine, splaying the chest open to the sky. I mean, that one's not surprising.
A lot of the emotions around sex are coming back: the feelings of desire, of playfulness, and of closeness. I think the ability to feel closeness is coming back generally and it is really nice. Like everything it flickers still but even just knowing it's possible helps with a lot.
I realize I need to rebuild my relationships a little, at least the emotional dimensions. I've been absent from them for so long and I can see that reflected in folks' behaviours towards me. I'm looking forward to this as something pleasant I've missed for awhile.
Jealousy is coming in a little, again in bits and pieces. I think some of the bitter, corrosive envy I felt for awhile is fading, though. The situations to which each applies are completely different.
I am cultivating enjoyment. I don't mean the high peak of joy, but just a quiet glow that comes from chatting with folks, with human interaction. It's good to enjoy humans again.
I'm also feeling... I miss people. I feel sad about that sometimes, or about lack of opportunity to connect. I feel sad and a bit of failure/loss about downsizing the farm. I'm carrying around less anger than I was, I think.
I have empathy for myself again, a little, here and there. I remember after Kynnin left being so lonely and alone that I held my own hand and it worked. I felt held. And knowing that, I translated that feeling of holding myself and caring for myself into many actions. Whether or not those actions remained, I lost that feeling for myself: the ability to experience my feelings, to direct validation and understanding and compassion to them and to myself. Today, with the piglet to put down, I was sad and resistant but I knew I had to do it and it was just hard, and... afterwards I could be gentle with myself, make myself a cup of tea, sit with myself, and not just move on to the next thing or avoid the next thing.
This doesn't translate to a full suite of feelings all the time yet. Still, it's a good thing, and it starts to give me direction again. Emotions are such powerful information to help us make decisions that are right for us personally, not for the generic human. They're what help us shape our individual path. Without them there's no reason to choose anything over anything else.
I'm writing here: I plan to do a little more yoga tonight, to finish dinner, to enjoy my shower before bed, to snuggle my dogs a little. We will see what next week brings.
Some of them are weird feelings that lead me into extended metaphors. For instance, eight or nine months ago and then again this week I've noticed that when I'm in the yoga pose pigeon on my left hip I want to cry. Now this isn't "my body hurts and I'm crying from pain" it's just... there's crying in that stretch. Quite a lot of crying. It's surprising because that's my good hip; my right hip has taken most of my carrying/first foot forward/shoveling/etc weight for many years and it's achy and cranky sometimes. It's definitely wearing out a bit. So when I think about the uncomplaining left hip that's been shouldering the extra load as my right hip wears out, and which hides sadness inside itself until it's pushed hard in a safe space, well.
I also am crying again with the... whatever it's called when you lie on your back and put a block under the top part of the spine, splaying the chest open to the sky. I mean, that one's not surprising.
A lot of the emotions around sex are coming back: the feelings of desire, of playfulness, and of closeness. I think the ability to feel closeness is coming back generally and it is really nice. Like everything it flickers still but even just knowing it's possible helps with a lot.
I realize I need to rebuild my relationships a little, at least the emotional dimensions. I've been absent from them for so long and I can see that reflected in folks' behaviours towards me. I'm looking forward to this as something pleasant I've missed for awhile.
Jealousy is coming in a little, again in bits and pieces. I think some of the bitter, corrosive envy I felt for awhile is fading, though. The situations to which each applies are completely different.
I am cultivating enjoyment. I don't mean the high peak of joy, but just a quiet glow that comes from chatting with folks, with human interaction. It's good to enjoy humans again.
I'm also feeling... I miss people. I feel sad about that sometimes, or about lack of opportunity to connect. I feel sad and a bit of failure/loss about downsizing the farm. I'm carrying around less anger than I was, I think.
I have empathy for myself again, a little, here and there. I remember after Kynnin left being so lonely and alone that I held my own hand and it worked. I felt held. And knowing that, I translated that feeling of holding myself and caring for myself into many actions. Whether or not those actions remained, I lost that feeling for myself: the ability to experience my feelings, to direct validation and understanding and compassion to them and to myself. Today, with the piglet to put down, I was sad and resistant but I knew I had to do it and it was just hard, and... afterwards I could be gentle with myself, make myself a cup of tea, sit with myself, and not just move on to the next thing or avoid the next thing.
This doesn't translate to a full suite of feelings all the time yet. Still, it's a good thing, and it starts to give me direction again. Emotions are such powerful information to help us make decisions that are right for us personally, not for the generic human. They're what help us shape our individual path. Without them there's no reason to choose anything over anything else.
I'm writing here: I plan to do a little more yoga tonight, to finish dinner, to enjoy my shower before bed, to snuggle my dogs a little. We will see what next week brings.