Meditation on the Present
First, I watched this ted talk. A day or two later there was some discussion of religious fasting as it relates to sex. I've got this crush going on. Finally, I had a good long poly discussion yesterday that touched topics like having 'feelings' (what a turn of phrase) for people outside of a primary relationship and sometimes overstepping boundaries based on that.
And so I've been thinking. One of my personal tendencies is to live in the future-- or maybe as the ted talk says, in my future memory of the present. I'm always one step ahead-- if we've decided on a place to live I'm worrying about whether I can get the rent cheque dropped off and still make it to dinner, or about calling and telling the other places I'm not interested.
This has served me very very poorly in the past in my relationship interactions. As Juggler will no doubt attest, even if I'm happy and snuggled up with you right now, if I have any suspicion that I might miss you or have friction with you in the future, I Will be worrying about that. I never really end up enjoying the moments of my relationships because of that.
Perhaps I should say I did that all the time. I am, as they say, recovering.
Especially in the relationship realm this is helpful. When I'm out walking and I see a magnolia flowering in february, say, it's immediate enough for me to forget myself, forget my little projected movie of the future, and just marvel. When I make that so for my human interactions, I spend all my time marvelling. I no longer worry about the point of friendship or whether this is what it's supposed to be like-- instead I spend a happy afternoon talking so someone who makes me feel good to be around about things we're interested in, and I feel connected and understood. I can look into someone's face and instead thinking about it all, just interface with them. And then afterwards I'm like, wait, I think that WAS the point. When I spend time with someone that makes me tingly, I just relax and enjoy the feeling, and it's good. If I spend the time in my head (in the moment, obviously I'm still going to think about it afterwards) and play potential videos-- sex or no sex? what does this emotional stuff mean? does it indicate x or y should happen -- things get confusing and snarled. I wonder if I should make provision for the future-- should I hoard time? Should I plan another get-together soon? What if I can't? What if this never happens again? What if I feel obligated (yes, that is the normal state of my brain, a hundred worries).
And with sex it's the same thing. It's much more satisfying to spend time with someone sexually if you're paying attention-- whether or not it 'goes this far' or 'doesn't go that far' or whatever.
And so this has relevance to poly for me, because I have had a tendency to push or jump boundaries because I was busy thinking about over there, and not busy enjoying what I had. And when I stopped to enjoy what I had, I realised it was enough. I need to run out the door now, but wanted to get that down.
And so I've been thinking. One of my personal tendencies is to live in the future-- or maybe as the ted talk says, in my future memory of the present. I'm always one step ahead-- if we've decided on a place to live I'm worrying about whether I can get the rent cheque dropped off and still make it to dinner, or about calling and telling the other places I'm not interested.
This has served me very very poorly in the past in my relationship interactions. As Juggler will no doubt attest, even if I'm happy and snuggled up with you right now, if I have any suspicion that I might miss you or have friction with you in the future, I Will be worrying about that. I never really end up enjoying the moments of my relationships because of that.
Perhaps I should say I did that all the time. I am, as they say, recovering.
Especially in the relationship realm this is helpful. When I'm out walking and I see a magnolia flowering in february, say, it's immediate enough for me to forget myself, forget my little projected movie of the future, and just marvel. When I make that so for my human interactions, I spend all my time marvelling. I no longer worry about the point of friendship or whether this is what it's supposed to be like-- instead I spend a happy afternoon talking so someone who makes me feel good to be around about things we're interested in, and I feel connected and understood. I can look into someone's face and instead thinking about it all, just interface with them. And then afterwards I'm like, wait, I think that WAS the point. When I spend time with someone that makes me tingly, I just relax and enjoy the feeling, and it's good. If I spend the time in my head (in the moment, obviously I'm still going to think about it afterwards) and play potential videos-- sex or no sex? what does this emotional stuff mean? does it indicate x or y should happen -- things get confusing and snarled. I wonder if I should make provision for the future-- should I hoard time? Should I plan another get-together soon? What if I can't? What if this never happens again? What if I feel obligated (yes, that is the normal state of my brain, a hundred worries).
And with sex it's the same thing. It's much more satisfying to spend time with someone sexually if you're paying attention-- whether or not it 'goes this far' or 'doesn't go that far' or whatever.
And so this has relevance to poly for me, because I have had a tendency to push or jump boundaries because I was busy thinking about over there, and not busy enjoying what I had. And when I stopped to enjoy what I had, I realised it was enough. I need to run out the door now, but wanted to get that down.