(no subject)
okay.
so how do i begin.
i honestly just want to recap what it is that i went through. not just for you, but for me as well.
maybe i should start first with the way you made me feel.
i don't know if i can even explain it.
i thought you were so smart, and i wanted you to teach me everything you knew.
i thought of you as the only person who was talented enough, ambitious enough, dedicated enough, intelligent enough to be with me.
i felt a connection since i first hung out with you but i didn't say anything.
that night we were at kyle's house and i forgot what it was that was going on at his house but you and i were in his living room and we just talked for a few minutes. about books or something. i don't remember. but i was attracted. and then i remember that your dad gave me a ride home that night and he also made you walk me to my door.
after that i remember you calling my house and i answered. you asked for my sister saying it was from rotc and then you realized it was me and told me it was me you actually wanted to talk to. you said i should hang out with you guys during freshman training during summer. you said it was for a week but it would be fun. and i went and i'd watch you talk to the cadets. mostly i just wondered why you asked me to go. i loved the barnes and noble outings cause they just.. i don't know, i just love that place, and with you it was better.
then i recall hearing you broke up with melissa and we hung out that day at kyle's house, and it was only 4 of us left and you and i went outside to the living room again and you played guitar and we kissed and made out or whatnot.
you know things after that seem hazy.
we talked 24 hours a dat but neither of us wanted any attachment.
you were leaving with your dad and sister for a week somewhere and the day before you left we secretly met up in the library and made out some more. then i remember you being away and i think you called me once and told me you were thinking about me. then when you returned you gave me a notebook you had with some letters directed to me which you wrote while you were there.
after that things just went by really fast.
we got attached, and didn't know how to deal with it since you didn't want a girlfriend. we constantly continued to talk. i was constantly bashed at by my sister and mother. even maritza and her mother warned me against you. but i didn't want to listen. i just wanted to be with you.
i know you kissed melissa that summer, you confessed it to me when i told you that santi(gabriel) and i kissed on my couch when he slept over my house. but i still wanted you so i ignored it. cause i believed that you didn't want a girlfriend.
i recall you ignoring me in barnes and noble when melissa came with us. i felt like shit. but believed your excuse when we talked later.
i remember you ignoring me whenever i was in the rotc room and melissa was also there.
then things got more and more complicated and for a while you prioritized me, i felt it, and thats when you asked me to your grandfathers wedding. i loved that night.
then school started and it was great. we'd meet between every class and kiss and talk. but you'd never sit with me in lunch. little by little i started hearing rumors. and more rumors. and little by little we would walk to some classes and then to others we wouldn't and i didn't know why. but now i know it's cause you were meeting her by her classes. little by little things grew into a ticking bomb. we had arguments. and we'd get angry. wouldn't talk for a couple of days. then we'd talk again. i'd usually always budge. then you'd tell me again that you didn't want to be with anyone, not melissa, not me, no one. and i believed you. for a while we agreed to just be friends. that's when you invited me to oktoberfest and we would talk on the phone and stuff. i remember you ignoring me in oktoberfest after you had invited me. i remember you calling me after and telling me you made out with some girl or whatever, as if i had wanted to hear that. i remember the day you invited me to the irish tavern to watch the game with you and your dad and sister and the navarros. i remember wanting you to want me. i remember pursuing you to the bathroom, going outside and making out and yeah... i rememeber going to the barnes and noble by curcuit city and disappearing to the parking lot on the roof and making out some more. i remember halloween night, i was going out on a date, and you were meeting melissa at a mall, and i just grabbed you out of no where outside my door. i remember growing tired of trying to get you when you obviously were going after melissa again. we started arguing again about my attachment. i think this arguing and going back happened a few times and then we just decided that since i wanted something real with you we should just stop talking cause you didn't want a relationship with me. and those days were hard. i remember watching you hang out with her in the mornings. i remember watching you walk her to class the same way you did me. or meet her outside class the same way you did me. i remember walking by the both of you in the hallways and never making eye contact, but always knowing it was deliberately avoided. and then you two got back together.
this is where everything changed.
i cried all the time.
i couldn't concentrate in classes.
i'd write in my journal all day and not pay attention to anything.
sometimes i'd stare at the glass on the classroom door thinking you'd pass by and signal me to come meet you like you used to. sometimes i'd just sit there and think about everything over and over again. i got shit from my sister. she shoved everything in my face. the only place where i could cry was the shower cause that way no one saw me or heard me. i remember my mom siding with my sister. and yesi telling me you were an asshole and she didn't want to hear from you. i remember maritza and kim kind of avoiding me cause i talked about you way too much. i remember how i did terribly in school and couldn't concentrate on anything. sometimes when i was in barnes and noble i'd just write you letters that i would never give you but just used them to vent. i remember being in school after drill and watching you there with her, flirting and playing around and i'd just sit and write in my journal all about how horrible i felt, until maritza's mom picked us up. i remeber the feeling i would get. like a knot in my throat and a whirl in my stomach at the mere sight of you. i remember looking for you when i'd walk through empty halls. and sometimes i did see you. and we'd just ignore one another. i remember when we'd write stuff on livejournal and then we began that whole letter affair. where we'd secretly write each other letters. we'd be exchanging classes and in the middle of the crowd you'd slide me a letter in my hand. i remember you telling me that you didn't want to lose me. that you knew we had a future together. that the time was just not right. that i was special. that there were only three girls you had ever felt so strongly for. sooner or later though this all became a little too ridiculous for me and we stopped talking. i don't remember why exactly but i know we stopped talking for a very long time. i started hanging out with two senior friends of mine who were my sisters friends since middle school and were with me in amnesty. we started going out on weekends to some other seniors houses. it was a group of friends. they would drink and get stoned every weekend. and i started getting into it. they liked me and took me into their little click. the first time we ever hung out everyone was wasted including myself and we decided to play a game called dark house. it's just like hide-and-seek but when you're drunk and incoherent it's a little funner. anyway i remember going up stairs and hiding in a room, and jason, one of the guys and the owner of the house came in there too. we were hiding under his bed and when we were getting out we kind of got close and i honestly don't remember if we kissed, but i think we did. i remember laying in the bed in the room and he kind of got close to me and then backed away cause he said it was wrong cause i was drunk. every weekend was the same. got drunk. partied. danced. made a fool of myself. talked shit. one of the guys, mike started really liking me. but i didn't like him. he was so good to me though. one day i got too drunk and i couldn't go home so he brought me to his house and made me something to eat
so how do i begin.
i honestly just want to recap what it is that i went through. not just for you, but for me as well.
maybe i should start first with the way you made me feel.
i don't know if i can even explain it.
i thought you were so smart, and i wanted you to teach me everything you knew.
i thought of you as the only person who was talented enough, ambitious enough, dedicated enough, intelligent enough to be with me.
i felt a connection since i first hung out with you but i didn't say anything.
that night we were at kyle's house and i forgot what it was that was going on at his house but you and i were in his living room and we just talked for a few minutes. about books or something. i don't remember. but i was attracted. and then i remember that your dad gave me a ride home that night and he also made you walk me to my door.
after that i remember you calling my house and i answered. you asked for my sister saying it was from rotc and then you realized it was me and told me it was me you actually wanted to talk to. you said i should hang out with you guys during freshman training during summer. you said it was for a week but it would be fun. and i went and i'd watch you talk to the cadets. mostly i just wondered why you asked me to go. i loved the barnes and noble outings cause they just.. i don't know, i just love that place, and with you it was better.
then i recall hearing you broke up with melissa and we hung out that day at kyle's house, and it was only 4 of us left and you and i went outside to the living room again and you played guitar and we kissed and made out or whatnot.
you know things after that seem hazy.
we talked 24 hours a dat but neither of us wanted any attachment.
you were leaving with your dad and sister for a week somewhere and the day before you left we secretly met up in the library and made out some more. then i remember you being away and i think you called me once and told me you were thinking about me. then when you returned you gave me a notebook you had with some letters directed to me which you wrote while you were there.
after that things just went by really fast.
we got attached, and didn't know how to deal with it since you didn't want a girlfriend. we constantly continued to talk. i was constantly bashed at by my sister and mother. even maritza and her mother warned me against you. but i didn't want to listen. i just wanted to be with you.
i know you kissed melissa that summer, you confessed it to me when i told you that santi(gabriel) and i kissed on my couch when he slept over my house. but i still wanted you so i ignored it. cause i believed that you didn't want a girlfriend.
i recall you ignoring me in barnes and noble when melissa came with us. i felt like shit. but believed your excuse when we talked later.
i remember you ignoring me whenever i was in the rotc room and melissa was also there.
then things got more and more complicated and for a while you prioritized me, i felt it, and thats when you asked me to your grandfathers wedding. i loved that night.
then school started and it was great. we'd meet between every class and kiss and talk. but you'd never sit with me in lunch. little by little i started hearing rumors. and more rumors. and little by little we would walk to some classes and then to others we wouldn't and i didn't know why. but now i know it's cause you were meeting her by her classes. little by little things grew into a ticking bomb. we had arguments. and we'd get angry. wouldn't talk for a couple of days. then we'd talk again. i'd usually always budge. then you'd tell me again that you didn't want to be with anyone, not melissa, not me, no one. and i believed you. for a while we agreed to just be friends. that's when you invited me to oktoberfest and we would talk on the phone and stuff. i remember you ignoring me in oktoberfest after you had invited me. i remember you calling me after and telling me you made out with some girl or whatever, as if i had wanted to hear that. i remember the day you invited me to the irish tavern to watch the game with you and your dad and sister and the navarros. i remember wanting you to want me. i remember pursuing you to the bathroom, going outside and making out and yeah... i rememeber going to the barnes and noble by curcuit city and disappearing to the parking lot on the roof and making out some more. i remember halloween night, i was going out on a date, and you were meeting melissa at a mall, and i just grabbed you out of no where outside my door. i remember growing tired of trying to get you when you obviously were going after melissa again. we started arguing again about my attachment. i think this arguing and going back happened a few times and then we just decided that since i wanted something real with you we should just stop talking cause you didn't want a relationship with me. and those days were hard. i remember watching you hang out with her in the mornings. i remember watching you walk her to class the same way you did me. or meet her outside class the same way you did me. i remember walking by the both of you in the hallways and never making eye contact, but always knowing it was deliberately avoided. and then you two got back together.
this is where everything changed.
i cried all the time.
i couldn't concentrate in classes.
i'd write in my journal all day and not pay attention to anything.
sometimes i'd stare at the glass on the classroom door thinking you'd pass by and signal me to come meet you like you used to. sometimes i'd just sit there and think about everything over and over again. i got shit from my sister. she shoved everything in my face. the only place where i could cry was the shower cause that way no one saw me or heard me. i remember my mom siding with my sister. and yesi telling me you were an asshole and she didn't want to hear from you. i remember maritza and kim kind of avoiding me cause i talked about you way too much. i remember how i did terribly in school and couldn't concentrate on anything. sometimes when i was in barnes and noble i'd just write you letters that i would never give you but just used them to vent. i remember being in school after drill and watching you there with her, flirting and playing around and i'd just sit and write in my journal all about how horrible i felt, until maritza's mom picked us up. i remeber the feeling i would get. like a knot in my throat and a whirl in my stomach at the mere sight of you. i remember looking for you when i'd walk through empty halls. and sometimes i did see you. and we'd just ignore one another. i remember when we'd write stuff on livejournal and then we began that whole letter affair. where we'd secretly write each other letters. we'd be exchanging classes and in the middle of the crowd you'd slide me a letter in my hand. i remember you telling me that you didn't want to lose me. that you knew we had a future together. that the time was just not right. that i was special. that there were only three girls you had ever felt so strongly for. sooner or later though this all became a little too ridiculous for me and we stopped talking. i don't remember why exactly but i know we stopped talking for a very long time. i started hanging out with two senior friends of mine who were my sisters friends since middle school and were with me in amnesty. we started going out on weekends to some other seniors houses. it was a group of friends. they would drink and get stoned every weekend. and i started getting into it. they liked me and took me into their little click. the first time we ever hung out everyone was wasted including myself and we decided to play a game called dark house. it's just like hide-and-seek but when you're drunk and incoherent it's a little funner. anyway i remember going up stairs and hiding in a room, and jason, one of the guys and the owner of the house came in there too. we were hiding under his bed and when we were getting out we kind of got close and i honestly don't remember if we kissed, but i think we did. i remember laying in the bed in the room and he kind of got close to me and then backed away cause he said it was wrong cause i was drunk. every weekend was the same. got drunk. partied. danced. made a fool of myself. talked shit. one of the guys, mike started really liking me. but i didn't like him. he was so good to me though. one day i got too drunk and i couldn't go home so he brought me to his house and made me something to eat