Since I felt like I worried a lot of people with my last post...
And many asked how I was and what happened, I decided to make an explanation here of what I've been up to this summer/fall.
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At the beginning of the summer, I went to the Congress, a big something where the teetotaler UNF that I'm part of makes decisions about our future work and so. There I met a really cute guy whom I hugged and snuggled with a lot, we gave each other massage and so on. I crushed on him quite quickly and was around him like a lovesick puppy.
He didn't realize anything before I kissed him when he had his head in my lap during the last night.
We never had time to talk about much after some make-out (it wasn't a really good make-out, either...) and I wish we would have had time for it. Since the months after that, we texted each other a lot and he even called me, not to mention the Skyping. But the more we talked, the more I realized we didn't have much in common.
Though I kept being in love, until it started to get over since we couldn't meet and he said that he wanted to do just that before he was sure of his feelings. After all, he never realized my feelings.
And then I went to World Scout Jamboree with my BFF, met a new brother from the Netherlands whom I connected really well with and made out with a little... Though, there I stopped myself from falling in love. After the camp, I started school again, my last (planned and big) education as a florist that lasts 18 weeks. I only have 4 left now.
A bit into school, I decided to stop being in love with the guy I met at the Congress. It was just draining my energy, and we just fell out more and more. It went kind of smoothly, and I'm okay with him now, even if we don't talk that much.
But a while after that, I felt myself getting a little attached to a girl whom I knew didn't want a relationship, so I had to suffocate those feelings too. Not to mention the feelings I started to grow for one of my best friends, who's in a committed relationship. That makes three people just this fall. Cue my heart being quite broken.
And about 6 weeks ago, I was in a car accident. Or, I sat in a bus that was hit by a car, which shook me up quite good.
I started to think that I would die without anyone ever loving me in a romantic/sexual way. When I was trying to get out of that horrible state, someone I wanted to talk to told me that she "Didn't have time for my whining.". Cue me trying to shut everything in again.
School also started to bitch at me, since I had to do all the paper work you need to start up a florist shop and give it in for judging. I don't want to start a shop. I have no inspiration for starting a shop. But I want to get good grades. Cue my own mindfuck.
About two weeks ago, all of that culminated, and I broke down. I broke down so hard that I wanted to cut myself.
This week, I broke down again, probably because I could finally leave in that damn project which was eating away at me and all the relief and stress from that let go. And through all of this, I've had friends who's had horrible times too whom I've wanted to help and pushed my own shit aside to do that.
But I'm very thankful, since those friends have also been here for me during my bad times, and helped me through it. My skin is uncut, my heart is slowly mending, and I can dance and sing to music again.
So right now I just want to love myself, as in my personality, and live for me. Even if I'm shit-scared of being egoistic, since I'm afraid I'll become an utter bitch...
Other things that I can't really put in a timeline is that my period pains once during this fall was so bad that I'm going to a doctor about it; That my closest friend might live in Japan for a year and I both want her to go and have the time of her life, and to stay so I won't be all alone; I'm not sure if I'll have work when done with school.