As if it wasn't bad enough...
For a long while now, I've wondered if I'm not clinically depressed. Years ago, I brushed it off as that I was just an angsty teenager. Now that I'm an adult, I feel I've learned to handle my stresses.
However, from time to time, it seems like I sink into this pit of despair, and just can't seem to crawl out of it. Sometimes it's so bad, I can barely drag myself out of bed in the morning.
In some ways, I blame this depression for how my life has played out. The choices I've made regarding school, work, where I live, how I enter/exit/make/destroy.etc relationships... And in some ways, I blame my life for worsening the depression. Keeping me from healing. Just a big, angry vicious cycle of hurt and lethargy.
Kati got married the weekend before this past one, and I've been feeling very low lately as it is. Now I am running into people I went to school with who have their whole lives figured out, and are happy about it. Not helping. To make matters worse, her younger brother was there, and in talking to him for a while, he said something that really, really, REALLY make me just want to slash my wrists on the spot. I don't think he realized how much it cut into me like a knife, in fact, I'm almost certain he didn't. Still, the fact remains, it was not my proudest moment.
"Weren't you, like, the only one in your guys' graduating class that didn't go to college?"
Dot. Dot. Dot.
What really busts me up is, it's probably true. If it isn't, that means that someone thinks so poorly of me that they would make up such a rumor. Not that it should matter to me what anyone thinks of me but myself, but as you might have figured out... I don't think that highly of myself! If it IS true, all the more reason to feel that way, anyway.
I know those of you who are actually reading this will assure me that it's not true, but right now, I really don't think I could feel more worthless.
However, from time to time, it seems like I sink into this pit of despair, and just can't seem to crawl out of it. Sometimes it's so bad, I can barely drag myself out of bed in the morning.
In some ways, I blame this depression for how my life has played out. The choices I've made regarding school, work, where I live, how I enter/exit/make/destroy.etc relationships... And in some ways, I blame my life for worsening the depression. Keeping me from healing. Just a big, angry vicious cycle of hurt and lethargy.
Kati got married the weekend before this past one, and I've been feeling very low lately as it is. Now I am running into people I went to school with who have their whole lives figured out, and are happy about it. Not helping. To make matters worse, her younger brother was there, and in talking to him for a while, he said something that really, really, REALLY make me just want to slash my wrists on the spot. I don't think he realized how much it cut into me like a knife, in fact, I'm almost certain he didn't. Still, the fact remains, it was not my proudest moment.
"Weren't you, like, the only one in your guys' graduating class that didn't go to college?"
Dot. Dot. Dot.
What really busts me up is, it's probably true. If it isn't, that means that someone thinks so poorly of me that they would make up such a rumor. Not that it should matter to me what anyone thinks of me but myself, but as you might have figured out... I don't think that highly of myself! If it IS true, all the more reason to feel that way, anyway.
I know those of you who are actually reading this will assure me that it's not true, but right now, I really don't think I could feel more worthless.