alot.
i don't really know how to undertsand or explain everything that's been happening but i'm just going to believe that i kind of brought it all upon myself and i know that. i was warned and i was just so grateful for some kind of friednship, even if it bordered inappropriate that i ignored everyone and just let the situation get completely out of hand. which isn't to say that the speculation was correct, just that in many ways i should have listened. and now it's become this thing that is bigger than me and i can't control it and my being here just makes it even worse and that's the last thing i want. so i'm going to take off in the next couple of days for the rest of the summer...i need to get my mind working again and be with my family, understand that there are still people who have seen me at my lowest and who still manage to let me come home no matter how difficult things are at the moment. i hate that i've created this nighmare here and that i've worried and hurt so many people. none of those rumors were accurate but rumors always do have to be born in truth so in some sort of offhand way i know i did mess up irrevocably. i'm just tired now and tired of putting ben through this and tired of living so superficially. i'm giving work my notice today and heading to vermont on wednesday, then martha's vineyard for the next 2 or three weeks starting thursday. i know that running away doesn't solve anything but at least maybe i'll be able to unknot my back and stop these really ridiculous moments of uncontrollable shaking that seem to keep happening whenever i think about any of this. i'm just sorry...i'm so sorry and i do know how badly i messed up..and there are no excuses for it and that's fine but i wish it would just...fade away. i don't wish this on anyone ever, least of all ben who didn't ask for this nor deserves it. and for some reason he's all i have left when normally you'd think he'd be the first to go...i wouldn't blame him if he did. but amazingly, even after i told him everything he still refused to go..i don't really know how i got so lucky. i'm not trying to gain any sort of sympathy here i just don't really have any other outlet for this so i'm sorry this entry is completely trite, maybe even a cliche i just need to get it out and i'm going to naively pretend this is compeltely anonymous. if i think about who reads this i won't be able to post it and i really just need to get it all out of my head. there's a lot in my head right now.