nobody reads this anymore and I just ranted this out on word and I'm putting it here.
what I’m going to do with my life is travel. I dont want to go to college, that isn’t the kind of learning I love. I don’t want to learn about the terminology for an existential crisis; I’m in the midst of one.
I’m going to steal my dad’s boat. he won’t mind because he’ll have an excuse to get a new one. I’ll decorate the inside a little, to make it more comfortable, but it won’t be ostentatious. we can’t draw attention it. also, you can’t travel around the world in a fucking yacht.
the thing that makes me angriest?
nobody believes me.
they think I’m being a dreamer or silly or unrealistic or lazy or avoidant or worst of all, cute. I’m not being cute, I’m going crazy. insanity isn’t cute. I want to explode from this unconquerable boredom. how do the robots sit in the white squares in front of their blue screens all day? I don’t understand it.
I think its a different gene or chromosome or something. when I travel in my sailboat, I’m going to find the other ones like me. not the ones who say they want to avoid college as a joke because they want to have fun experiances and get drunk, and sound adventurous. but i’m going to find the real ones. the people who live because life is exceedingly important and short and what’s the point of it?
there isn’t one. so you enjoy it and you live like you mean it, not like you have to.
the only boy I’ve ever thought I was in love with is one of those fake ones I think. I’m just realizing that. it should be comforting because I’m angry at him and I think I hate him as much as I love him, but it’s not comforting. I want to love him forever.