Alone
There is this wonderfully sharp stabbing pain in my chest again. Hurt, pain, sorrow, heart-break. I used to have this feeling on a regular basis when I was with my ex. I have only felt it on an occasional basis since I’ve been with Shawn. The last time, one of my walls went up to seal me against this sort of thing.
Once again, I’m going through a lack of attention from my significant enabler. Our Wednesday nights are non-existent. We have very little ‘us’ time at all. His days are spent in his little room on the new computer. Todd has become his new best friend because they are now working on art together. And we are all gaming together. And they smoke together. And Shawn even went so far as to say that if he didn’t have a relationship with me, he might explore that side of his sexuality with Todd because of how close he now feels to him.
And then there’s Jeff. Jeff was absent from our lives for a while because he had gotten involved with Kim. He pretty well dumped us because he got himself a girlfriend. We went through a couple of months where Jeff wouldn’t come around very often because he was developing his relationship with his girlfriend. No problem. I know Shawn felt a little abandoned for a while. But now Jeff is back because he is having problems with Kim. And that means that we have Jeff here till 2 or 3 in the morning. This means that they are sitting in Shawn’s room talking and hanging out (guy time) and Shawn doesn’t go to bed until 4 or 5.
I’m glad that Shawn has friends. He really needs them. His Ex just told him that she won’t allow him to see his boys anymore. He hasn’t seen them in over 6 months due to her anyway but now it’s a final thing; which drove the knife deep into his heart and shattered him. And while I have wanted to be there for him and talk about it to him, he has shut me out!
I’m lonely. I’m bored. I’m depressed. I’m having issues that only my significant enabler can assist me with. And he’s not here. And I have no girlfriends to share my pain with. I have no kids in my house to feel a kinship with. Not only am I lonely, I’m alone. And that’s where the pain comes from…
When I was with Robert, at least I had my kids. I had my mother close so I could go and see her and talk to her. Or I would go to my dad’s to see him and talk and be a part of a family. I had work outside the home with lots of people I could interact with. I had my EG.
Of course, during the ‘on season’, I have faire to throw myself into. But this is the off season. And we are going into the holidays. My mom is in Vancouver. And I’m estranged from my dad. My kids are doing their own thing with their new families and friends. And right now I’m feeling sorry for myself!
Once again, I’m going through a lack of attention from my significant enabler. Our Wednesday nights are non-existent. We have very little ‘us’ time at all. His days are spent in his little room on the new computer. Todd has become his new best friend because they are now working on art together. And we are all gaming together. And they smoke together. And Shawn even went so far as to say that if he didn’t have a relationship with me, he might explore that side of his sexuality with Todd because of how close he now feels to him.
And then there’s Jeff. Jeff was absent from our lives for a while because he had gotten involved with Kim. He pretty well dumped us because he got himself a girlfriend. We went through a couple of months where Jeff wouldn’t come around very often because he was developing his relationship with his girlfriend. No problem. I know Shawn felt a little abandoned for a while. But now Jeff is back because he is having problems with Kim. And that means that we have Jeff here till 2 or 3 in the morning. This means that they are sitting in Shawn’s room talking and hanging out (guy time) and Shawn doesn’t go to bed until 4 or 5.
I’m glad that Shawn has friends. He really needs them. His Ex just told him that she won’t allow him to see his boys anymore. He hasn’t seen them in over 6 months due to her anyway but now it’s a final thing; which drove the knife deep into his heart and shattered him. And while I have wanted to be there for him and talk about it to him, he has shut me out!
I’m lonely. I’m bored. I’m depressed. I’m having issues that only my significant enabler can assist me with. And he’s not here. And I have no girlfriends to share my pain with. I have no kids in my house to feel a kinship with. Not only am I lonely, I’m alone. And that’s where the pain comes from…
When I was with Robert, at least I had my kids. I had my mother close so I could go and see her and talk to her. Or I would go to my dad’s to see him and talk and be a part of a family. I had work outside the home with lots of people I could interact with. I had my EG.
Of course, during the ‘on season’, I have faire to throw myself into. But this is the off season. And we are going into the holidays. My mom is in Vancouver. And I’m estranged from my dad. My kids are doing their own thing with their new families and friends. And right now I’m feeling sorry for myself!