Changes
No detraction from the afterglow my friend but I have to go write something down.
You know it’s got to be something when all I can think about is getting to my journal and writing…
Things have changed.
I got invited to attend my “best friend’s” birthday celebration and I made some lame excuse as to why I couldn’t. I was polite but the plain truth is that I just don’t feel connected to her anymore. To say it doesn’t hurt would be a fallacy. Love lost always hurts in one way or the other. It’s how we handle it that becomes the deciding factor. And I’ve experienced so much lost love in these past few years. And once again I find myself in the same sort of losing love situation…
My divorce became final on November 2. After being married for twenty two years, I am now single once more. But I am not alone. I have my two wonderful children, my boyfriend, my ‘adopted son’, friends, 2 birds, 2 cats and three rats (although they are not technically mine they do reside in my apartments). I am surrounded by work, projects, vehicles, problems, challenges and still I am ________.
I think the fill in the blank word is LONELY. There is a huge hole. A void. It seems to be sucking the energy and life out of me.
I’ve tried replacing what ever is missing by keeping busy. I game. I have those constant projects. I watch TV . I go to faire to try to get a renewed sense of purpose and camaraderie. I’ve taken trips to Vegas and Laguna Beach to try to fill the void. I’ve booked concert tickets and filled up my calendar with events so there doesn’t seem to be such a huge hole but I can still see it and feel it.
When did it all happen? There is currently a distinct lack of passion in my life right now. One of the things I can tie it to is my relationship with Shawn. He has done things that have hurt me. Not in the malicious sort of way by doing things intentionally. There have just been times when he’s not done things that we had planned to do together. Or he’s said things in a certain way that have cut to the quick. And yes, as part of our open and honest communication, I have addressed these issues. But I have to say that each time something has been done, another brick goes back into my wall; another mask shows up on my face to eliminate the look of pain to the outside world; another charge of passion is drained.
We used to have our special night of the week to just be us and do what we wanted to do in the sanctuary of our own space. Wednesday nights used to be special. Well, I don’t feel that special-ness anymore. I don’t even want to cook for us anymore. Our relationship has fallen into a rut of amazing proportions. I’m not in the mood for parties or celebrations. I didn’t want to help him celebrate his birthday or do anything special to celebrate mine. I don’t want to celebrate “us”. I don’t want to celebrate ANYTHING. And of course this really sucks with Thanksgiving, Yule, Christmas and New Year’s just around the corner.
I’ve got to find something to get the feeling back. Something’s got to change…
You know it’s got to be something when all I can think about is getting to my journal and writing…
Things have changed.
I got invited to attend my “best friend’s” birthday celebration and I made some lame excuse as to why I couldn’t. I was polite but the plain truth is that I just don’t feel connected to her anymore. To say it doesn’t hurt would be a fallacy. Love lost always hurts in one way or the other. It’s how we handle it that becomes the deciding factor. And I’ve experienced so much lost love in these past few years. And once again I find myself in the same sort of losing love situation…
My divorce became final on November 2. After being married for twenty two years, I am now single once more. But I am not alone. I have my two wonderful children, my boyfriend, my ‘adopted son’, friends, 2 birds, 2 cats and three rats (although they are not technically mine they do reside in my apartments). I am surrounded by work, projects, vehicles, problems, challenges and still I am ________.
I think the fill in the blank word is LONELY. There is a huge hole. A void. It seems to be sucking the energy and life out of me.
I’ve tried replacing what ever is missing by keeping busy. I game. I have those constant projects. I watch TV . I go to faire to try to get a renewed sense of purpose and camaraderie. I’ve taken trips to Vegas and Laguna Beach to try to fill the void. I’ve booked concert tickets and filled up my calendar with events so there doesn’t seem to be such a huge hole but I can still see it and feel it.
When did it all happen? There is currently a distinct lack of passion in my life right now. One of the things I can tie it to is my relationship with Shawn. He has done things that have hurt me. Not in the malicious sort of way by doing things intentionally. There have just been times when he’s not done things that we had planned to do together. Or he’s said things in a certain way that have cut to the quick. And yes, as part of our open and honest communication, I have addressed these issues. But I have to say that each time something has been done, another brick goes back into my wall; another mask shows up on my face to eliminate the look of pain to the outside world; another charge of passion is drained.
We used to have our special night of the week to just be us and do what we wanted to do in the sanctuary of our own space. Wednesday nights used to be special. Well, I don’t feel that special-ness anymore. I don’t even want to cook for us anymore. Our relationship has fallen into a rut of amazing proportions. I’m not in the mood for parties or celebrations. I didn’t want to help him celebrate his birthday or do anything special to celebrate mine. I don’t want to celebrate “us”. I don’t want to celebrate ANYTHING. And of course this really sucks with Thanksgiving, Yule, Christmas and New Year’s just around the corner.
I’ve got to find something to get the feeling back. Something’s got to change…