Betrayal
I have a very low threshold for betrayal. It is what makes it hard for people to get really close to me and for me to let people get close. I guess I can follow the course of my life back to girls in school, when I was young, doing that back stabbing stuff that leads to lack of trust...
I had a very good friend that I let into my inner sanctum and trusted. And we are still technically friends. We see each other at some functions and various events in our common friend's lives. This is a woman that was my right hand, my right brain. She was my kindred spirit and Mom2.
I don't know the actual day that I discovered that I felt betrayed by her. And the betrayal wasn't something sordid like her telling all my deep dark secrets or sleeping with my husband. I know that the feeling of betrayal occurred when I called upon her to be there and she wasn't. I know that the betrayal felt like emptiness. There was a jagged wound in my wall and I grabbed at those around me to help bandage the hole. I put on my best face and said things like, "You get to be the "EG" now." And then she would show up and we'd be OK and the wound wouldn't hurt so bad. It even healed a bit. And I looked inside of me to see if somehow I had failed her as a friend and if there was more I could do or give. Failing that, I tried frank communicaton, stating my feelings bluntly and hoping that might be able stave off future injuries.
Too many of those kinds of wounds, however, tend to cause me to cauterize the wound, amputate the useless limb and stitch up the hole. (How many other metaphors can I use?) And that is, of course, what I did. She got forced out of the areas closer to my heart. And at this point, she's pretty close to only being allowed access to that initial receiving area I've talked about before. I'm really a pussy when it comes to that kind of pain caused by betrayal. I'd just as soon cut it all off and deny access to the more personal and private side of me, than actively try to fix the situation, whatever it might be.
While that was in the past, right now I'm confronted with another feeling of betrayal. And I've tried talking it out. And I've tried working it through. I've tried being flexible. I've even tried not taking it personally and getting over it. But plain and simple, right now I'm feeling like an old doormat. Funtional in the beginning, bright and sparkly, useful in so many ways; and then old and used and trampled down and taken for granted. And if things continue in thier present course, I'll have no other option but to, once again, cut off all access and move on. And I really hate trying to find that "EG" substitute again...
I had a very good friend that I let into my inner sanctum and trusted. And we are still technically friends. We see each other at some functions and various events in our common friend's lives. This is a woman that was my right hand, my right brain. She was my kindred spirit and Mom2.
I don't know the actual day that I discovered that I felt betrayed by her. And the betrayal wasn't something sordid like her telling all my deep dark secrets or sleeping with my husband. I know that the feeling of betrayal occurred when I called upon her to be there and she wasn't. I know that the betrayal felt like emptiness. There was a jagged wound in my wall and I grabbed at those around me to help bandage the hole. I put on my best face and said things like, "You get to be the "EG" now." And then she would show up and we'd be OK and the wound wouldn't hurt so bad. It even healed a bit. And I looked inside of me to see if somehow I had failed her as a friend and if there was more I could do or give. Failing that, I tried frank communicaton, stating my feelings bluntly and hoping that might be able stave off future injuries.
Too many of those kinds of wounds, however, tend to cause me to cauterize the wound, amputate the useless limb and stitch up the hole. (How many other metaphors can I use?) And that is, of course, what I did. She got forced out of the areas closer to my heart. And at this point, she's pretty close to only being allowed access to that initial receiving area I've talked about before. I'm really a pussy when it comes to that kind of pain caused by betrayal. I'd just as soon cut it all off and deny access to the more personal and private side of me, than actively try to fix the situation, whatever it might be.
While that was in the past, right now I'm confronted with another feeling of betrayal. And I've tried talking it out. And I've tried working it through. I've tried being flexible. I've even tried not taking it personally and getting over it. But plain and simple, right now I'm feeling like an old doormat. Funtional in the beginning, bright and sparkly, useful in so many ways; and then old and used and trampled down and taken for granted. And if things continue in thier present course, I'll have no other option but to, once again, cut off all access and move on. And I really hate trying to find that "EG" substitute again...