I didn't sign on for this
How much do we ever really know about the person we have chosen to spend the rest of our lives with? One would hope that the actual physical act of living with someone would clue us in. And from an outsiders' perspective, it kinda does...
When I was first with Robert, there were those who knew me pre-Robert and were good friends. They came over to visit and soon enough, the stopped coming around so often until I barely saw them once a year for the Yule party. Several years into that relationship, I had cause to ask one of them why that was. I was told that Robert was not the man they all thought him to be. He presented himself as something other than what he was. Apparently, I was blind to this. To me, he was exactly who I thought he was. And I was living with him so I should know. We saw each other's good side and bad side and messy behavior and all those things that roomates and couples see in each other that the outside world never sees. They become 'real' to us. Every last toothpaste top left off, toilet paper roll not put on, socks and shoes and underwear and dirty laundry pile left all over the floor. Every plate left unwashed, every wad of garbage left to moulder on the coffee table, every drunken argument, gives us an insight to our roomie's ultimate state of mind.
At some point, I said to myself "I didn't sign on for this".
Maybe it was the crying myself to sleep at night. Maybe it was the waking nighmares. Maybe it was the lack of attention in my general direction that caused me to look elsewhere to fulfill my needs. I remember those times when I found solace in playing tetris and solitaire on my computer to help my mind heal from too much left undone, unsaid in my living environment. And I remember those times when I threw myself wholly into other projects so I wouldn't have to go home to that lack of attention to me and our relationship. So much so that even now I will throw myself into too many projects out of habit, not being able to leave a moment of silence in my soul.
I know now that what I had with Robert really wasn't what I signed on for. He was really a different person than his outer shells would have anyone believe. And living with him just made me turn a blind eye to all of that and accept it all and deal with it.
I'm trotting this out now because, as you guessed it, I'm wondering if I'm in that place again. Am I at the point at which I should say "I didn't sign on for this."
I came into my present relationship with eyes wide open. I wasn't going to have any secrets from this man. I was going to say when something hurt me or when I wasn't getting the attention I needed. If he disappointed me, I would tell him. If I was angry I would get angry, blow up and get it out in the open so we could find a solution. I was not going to let this relationship become damaging to my psyche.
Somewhere in the midst of building this relationship, I began to give a little on those particular things. So now, I have friends that I haven't seen in a while who are telling me that they have seen a change in me. I don't have as much of the sparkly attitude that I used to have. There are a few more frown lines (nah, that's just age!) I have a bit of sadness that clings to me. I don't seem to have the energy that I have had in the past. I can't focus on getting things done because depression creeps in too often anymore. The really sad part is that, like with my marriage, I didn't see this creeping up on me. I don't know when it happened that I stopped feeling sparkly and started giving into the energy drain. I don't know when it happened that I stopped caring that I didn't feel sparkly. I do know that part of all of this is what's messing with my being able to center myself.
I got some of my center back this weekend. Enough to make me take a look around at my situation. Enough to give me the energy I need to make faire happen this year. And enough to be angry at the loss of some of the ideals I held sacred to myself.
I didn't sign on for the loss of dreams. I didn't sign on for poverty. I didn't sign on for laziness. And I didn't sign on for not taking enough personal inventory to know that we all make choices on how we are going to live our lives. We decide to get up each day and have a good day no matter what the weather is or who is fucking over whom.
When I was first with Robert, there were those who knew me pre-Robert and were good friends. They came over to visit and soon enough, the stopped coming around so often until I barely saw them once a year for the Yule party. Several years into that relationship, I had cause to ask one of them why that was. I was told that Robert was not the man they all thought him to be. He presented himself as something other than what he was. Apparently, I was blind to this. To me, he was exactly who I thought he was. And I was living with him so I should know. We saw each other's good side and bad side and messy behavior and all those things that roomates and couples see in each other that the outside world never sees. They become 'real' to us. Every last toothpaste top left off, toilet paper roll not put on, socks and shoes and underwear and dirty laundry pile left all over the floor. Every plate left unwashed, every wad of garbage left to moulder on the coffee table, every drunken argument, gives us an insight to our roomie's ultimate state of mind.
At some point, I said to myself "I didn't sign on for this".
Maybe it was the crying myself to sleep at night. Maybe it was the waking nighmares. Maybe it was the lack of attention in my general direction that caused me to look elsewhere to fulfill my needs. I remember those times when I found solace in playing tetris and solitaire on my computer to help my mind heal from too much left undone, unsaid in my living environment. And I remember those times when I threw myself wholly into other projects so I wouldn't have to go home to that lack of attention to me and our relationship. So much so that even now I will throw myself into too many projects out of habit, not being able to leave a moment of silence in my soul.
I know now that what I had with Robert really wasn't what I signed on for. He was really a different person than his outer shells would have anyone believe. And living with him just made me turn a blind eye to all of that and accept it all and deal with it.
I'm trotting this out now because, as you guessed it, I'm wondering if I'm in that place again. Am I at the point at which I should say "I didn't sign on for this."
I came into my present relationship with eyes wide open. I wasn't going to have any secrets from this man. I was going to say when something hurt me or when I wasn't getting the attention I needed. If he disappointed me, I would tell him. If I was angry I would get angry, blow up and get it out in the open so we could find a solution. I was not going to let this relationship become damaging to my psyche.
Somewhere in the midst of building this relationship, I began to give a little on those particular things. So now, I have friends that I haven't seen in a while who are telling me that they have seen a change in me. I don't have as much of the sparkly attitude that I used to have. There are a few more frown lines (nah, that's just age!) I have a bit of sadness that clings to me. I don't seem to have the energy that I have had in the past. I can't focus on getting things done because depression creeps in too often anymore. The really sad part is that, like with my marriage, I didn't see this creeping up on me. I don't know when it happened that I stopped feeling sparkly and started giving into the energy drain. I don't know when it happened that I stopped caring that I didn't feel sparkly. I do know that part of all of this is what's messing with my being able to center myself.
I got some of my center back this weekend. Enough to make me take a look around at my situation. Enough to give me the energy I need to make faire happen this year. And enough to be angry at the loss of some of the ideals I held sacred to myself.
I didn't sign on for the loss of dreams. I didn't sign on for poverty. I didn't sign on for laziness. And I didn't sign on for not taking enough personal inventory to know that we all make choices on how we are going to live our lives. We decide to get up each day and have a good day no matter what the weather is or who is fucking over whom.