[tv is my anti-drug. oh, wait.]
Tonight's live blog: the Screen Actors Guild Awards. Which, do not forget, have chosen to honor alleged sexual predator Casey Affleck. #notokay
People talk about being an actor: Kerry Washington, Jeff Bridges, Sterling K. Brown, Ellie Kemper, Ashton Kutcher.
Apparently Ashton is hosting? He begins by saying "hello, welcome to everyone watching at home, and everyone in airports that belong in MY AMERICA!" I am otherwise underwhelmed by Ashton, but that was a good place to start.
Best Actress In A Comedy Series: Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Veep. Also nominated: Uzo Aduba, Jane Fonda, Ellie Kemper, Lily Tomlin. Julia's hair is very flat and weird, but her dress is cool--black, strapless, has a pattern of shiny gold (green? bronze?) leaf shapes on it. She starts with a Russian joke, goes on to a voting joke, then gets serious and reminds us that her dad was an immigrant who fled the Nazis. She then gets very serious and says that the immigrant ban is un-American and a blemish on the US. She reads a statement from the WGA stating that they stand with immigrants.
John Legend and Gina Rodriguez. Bringing out the pretty! John's wearing a dark suit and white shirt, no tie. Gina's dress is that pale-pink-with-dark-patterns-on that as never really worked for me, but she is so so lovely.
Best Actor In A Comedy Series: William H. Macy, Shameless. Also nominated: Anthony Anderson, Titus Burgess, Ty Burrell, Jeffrey Tambor. WHM says he is shocked, probably not as shocked as Jeffrey Tambor (who's out in the audience laughing) but pretty shocked.
Taraji P. Henson, Octavia Spencer, and Janelle Monae. They're introducing "Hidden Figures" as a Best Picture nom. Taraji's wearing, like, a pinkish ballgown? That's really, really cleavagetastic in the front? I don't know.
The kids from Stranger Things. Millie Bobby Brown has a red dress and the boys have sharp little suits. Best Comedy Series Ensemble: Orange Is The New Black. Also nominated: Big Bang Theory, Black-ish, Modern Family, Veep.
At this point I unfortunately miss a sizable chunk of the broadcast, first because I'm trying to deal with the fact that we think our heat might be out, and then because my Sad Old Man Computer does not want me to have nice things.
When I get back, it is to see Salma Hayek (in a long floaty yellow gown with some kind of ugly thing on the shoulder) awarding Best Actor In A Limited TV Series to Bryan Cranston for All The Way. Bryan is wearing a completely normal tux and he looks very nice, but his tie is crooked (a problem which is also plaguing Riz Ahmed who was nominated for the same award). Bryan says he thinks the 36th President would, kindly, tell the 45th, "Just don't piss in the soup that all of us gotta eat." :)
I'm sorry, there seems to be some kind of disgusting Casey Affleck-shaped object on my TV.
Dolly Parton!!!!! Hello Dolly! She's wearing a pale pink gown with...tonal embroidery on it? silver embroidery?...and makes a lot of boob jokes at her own expense. This will upset some people on the Internet, but I'm okay with it. Dolly's here to present a Lifetime Achievement Award to Lily Tomlin, with whom she starred in "9 to 5" (along with Jane Fonda, who would be there to co-present except she is sick). In general, Dolly is the ray of sunlight I needed today and I am happy she is here.
And then we see many clips of Lily's performances and she is wonderful in all conceivable ways. Lots of awesome artistic risks taken, zero fucks given. She is wearing a long-sleeved shiny black top and pants and a long silvery necklace. She has great stories to tell. Among her advice to young actors: Wear sunscreen. Don't leave the house when you're drunk. Beware of any enterprise which requires new clothing. :) Thank those people on whose shoulders you stand. (And this is when she thanks her partner, Jane Wagner. <3 <3) Her speech ends with a call to activism and "As long as I don't have to audition, I just might be back." Love you, Lily.
Sophia Bush and Common. I can't see the shape of Sophia's dress very well but it's a great shade of raspberry. Sadly, so is her eyeshadow. Best Actor In A Drama Series: John Lithgow, The Crown. Also nominated: Sterling K. Brown, Peter Dinklage, Rami Malek, Kevin Spacey. John is winning this award for playing Winston Churchill in a biopic of Queen Elizabeth II. Out in the audience, Claire Foy (who is looking like a dead ringer for Adele) is very happy for him. He begins by saying that he would never have cast himself in this role, and thanks his costumer, makeup artist and dialect coach. He goes on to thank his fellow artists, his wife and SAG-AFTRA, namechecks all of his fellow nominees, and ends by saying that Meryl Streep three weeks ago said all the things he wanted to say.
Mahershala Ali and Naomie Harris, both dressed in black and white and both looking wonderful, introduce scenes from Moonlight which is nominated for Best Picture.
Alia Shawkat and Steven Yeun. Best Actress In A Drama Series: Claire Foy, The Crown. Also nominated: Millie Bobby Brown, Thandie Newton, Winona Ryder, Robin Wright. As I mentioned before, Claire looks A LOT like Adele (I think it's the eyeliner) and, as she did at the Golden Globes, she's wearing a dress with a little girl collar and puffed sleeves and it's make of some weird transparent taupe fabric that looks like it's infested with sequins and shiny green lizards? I don't know.
Gabrielle "Andrea Zuckerman" Carteris is now president of SAG-AFTRA. Good for her. She looks good, but her dress (plain black) fits weirdly in the bust and her eye makeup is a little harsh. She speaks in memory of William Schallert, Patty Duke, and Ken Howard, three past SAG presidents who we lost this year. :(
In Memoriam: Ken Howard, William Schallert, Patty Duke, Nancy Reagan, Bill Nunn, Alan Young, Anton Yelchin, Alexis Arquette, Kenny Baker, Florence Henderson, Robert Vaughn, William Christopher, George Kennedy, Doris Roberts, Larry Drake, Jon Polito, Garry Shandling, Ron Glass, Fyvush Finkel, Steven Hill, Richard Libertini, Abe Vigoda, Prince, Alan Thicke, Zs Zsa Gabor, Garry Marshall, Gene Wilder, Mary Tyler Moore, Carrie Fisher, Debbie Reynolds. This has been just a fucking awful year. :____:
Liz Ahmed and Rashida Jones are here. Rashida's gown is a long floaty high-necked pink thing with a pattern like moldy red wallpaper, and she's wearing big glasses and looks adorable. Seriously Zooey Deschanelesque. She and Riz are talking about Best Drama Ensemble. Winner: Stranger Things. Also nominated: The Crown, Downton Abbey (I really like Michelle Dockrey's striped dress), Game Of Thrones, Westworld. Winona Ryder, who appears to have dyed her hair some odd colors, is very surprised and is so tiny she looks like one of the kids next to the very tall producer guys. The little boys all look very startled, but Millie Bobby is holding it together better than Winona. I can't keep up with the show runner's speech, but it ends with his announcing that if necessary they will punch people in the face? I don't know.
Jonah Hill in a tux. Hi Jonah. Best Lead Actress In A Movie: Emma Stone, La La Land. (We are now entering the portion of the show that will be dominated by La La Land.) Also nominated: Amy Adams, Emily Blunt, Natalie Portman, Meryl Streep. I'm not going to try to describe her gown except that it is hideous and I would have expected so, so much better, Emma is also very breathless and excited and says she's forgotten everything she ever meant to say, Natalie Portman, out in the audience, has a face like "If this had been me I would have not forgotten to say something timely yet deeply moving yet witty. Just so you know."
Brie Larson is continuing to have the best gowns this year: long, absolutely plain, white or maybe very pale pink, perfectly fitted on the bust, a thin off-center halter strap around the neck.. Best Actor: Denzel Washington, Fences!!!!!!. Also nominated: He Who Shall Not Be Named, Andrew Garfield, Ryan Gosling, Viggo Mortensen. Seriously, this is the first time Denzel has won this?! Anyways, I am so, so happy he won. As are, apparently, many other people. Denzel thanks many people, and says he's sure he's leaving someone else out. (He didn't expect to win.) His speech is a little confused, but he does remember to thank Viola Davis last of all.
Nicole Kidman! In a shiny bright emerald gown, with, like, actual peacocks on the shoulders. Best Motion Picture Cast: Hidden Figures!!!!! Also nominated: Captain Fantastic, Fences, Manchester By The Sea, Moonlight. This is a wonderful, wonderful way to end the evening. It is a triumph for actors of color, it is a triumph for women, it is a triumph for celebrations of the lives of scientists, it is (as Taraji says) a celebration of unity. Janelle and Octavia are hanging on each other and crying. Jim Parsons is nodding seriously and starting the applause.
"Love wins, every time", says Taraji, and I hope she is right.
People talk about being an actor: Kerry Washington, Jeff Bridges, Sterling K. Brown, Ellie Kemper, Ashton Kutcher.
Apparently Ashton is hosting? He begins by saying "hello, welcome to everyone watching at home, and everyone in airports that belong in MY AMERICA!" I am otherwise underwhelmed by Ashton, but that was a good place to start.
Best Actress In A Comedy Series: Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Veep. Also nominated: Uzo Aduba, Jane Fonda, Ellie Kemper, Lily Tomlin. Julia's hair is very flat and weird, but her dress is cool--black, strapless, has a pattern of shiny gold (green? bronze?) leaf shapes on it. She starts with a Russian joke, goes on to a voting joke, then gets serious and reminds us that her dad was an immigrant who fled the Nazis. She then gets very serious and says that the immigrant ban is un-American and a blemish on the US. She reads a statement from the WGA stating that they stand with immigrants.
John Legend and Gina Rodriguez. Bringing out the pretty! John's wearing a dark suit and white shirt, no tie. Gina's dress is that pale-pink-with-dark-patterns-on that as never really worked for me, but she is so so lovely.
Best Actor In A Comedy Series: William H. Macy, Shameless. Also nominated: Anthony Anderson, Titus Burgess, Ty Burrell, Jeffrey Tambor. WHM says he is shocked, probably not as shocked as Jeffrey Tambor (who's out in the audience laughing) but pretty shocked.
Taraji P. Henson, Octavia Spencer, and Janelle Monae. They're introducing "Hidden Figures" as a Best Picture nom. Taraji's wearing, like, a pinkish ballgown? That's really, really cleavagetastic in the front? I don't know.
The kids from Stranger Things. Millie Bobby Brown has a red dress and the boys have sharp little suits. Best Comedy Series Ensemble: Orange Is The New Black. Also nominated: Big Bang Theory, Black-ish, Modern Family, Veep.
At this point I unfortunately miss a sizable chunk of the broadcast, first because I'm trying to deal with the fact that we think our heat might be out, and then because my Sad Old Man Computer does not want me to have nice things.
When I get back, it is to see Salma Hayek (in a long floaty yellow gown with some kind of ugly thing on the shoulder) awarding Best Actor In A Limited TV Series to Bryan Cranston for All The Way. Bryan is wearing a completely normal tux and he looks very nice, but his tie is crooked (a problem which is also plaguing Riz Ahmed who was nominated for the same award). Bryan says he thinks the 36th President would, kindly, tell the 45th, "Just don't piss in the soup that all of us gotta eat." :)
I'm sorry, there seems to be some kind of disgusting Casey Affleck-shaped object on my TV.
Dolly Parton!!!!! Hello Dolly! She's wearing a pale pink gown with...tonal embroidery on it? silver embroidery?...and makes a lot of boob jokes at her own expense. This will upset some people on the Internet, but I'm okay with it. Dolly's here to present a Lifetime Achievement Award to Lily Tomlin, with whom she starred in "9 to 5" (along with Jane Fonda, who would be there to co-present except she is sick). In general, Dolly is the ray of sunlight I needed today and I am happy she is here.
And then we see many clips of Lily's performances and she is wonderful in all conceivable ways. Lots of awesome artistic risks taken, zero fucks given. She is wearing a long-sleeved shiny black top and pants and a long silvery necklace. She has great stories to tell. Among her advice to young actors: Wear sunscreen. Don't leave the house when you're drunk. Beware of any enterprise which requires new clothing. :) Thank those people on whose shoulders you stand. (And this is when she thanks her partner, Jane Wagner. <3 <3) Her speech ends with a call to activism and "As long as I don't have to audition, I just might be back." Love you, Lily.
Sophia Bush and Common. I can't see the shape of Sophia's dress very well but it's a great shade of raspberry. Sadly, so is her eyeshadow. Best Actor In A Drama Series: John Lithgow, The Crown. Also nominated: Sterling K. Brown, Peter Dinklage, Rami Malek, Kevin Spacey. John is winning this award for playing Winston Churchill in a biopic of Queen Elizabeth II. Out in the audience, Claire Foy (who is looking like a dead ringer for Adele) is very happy for him. He begins by saying that he would never have cast himself in this role, and thanks his costumer, makeup artist and dialect coach. He goes on to thank his fellow artists, his wife and SAG-AFTRA, namechecks all of his fellow nominees, and ends by saying that Meryl Streep three weeks ago said all the things he wanted to say.
Mahershala Ali and Naomie Harris, both dressed in black and white and both looking wonderful, introduce scenes from Moonlight which is nominated for Best Picture.
Alia Shawkat and Steven Yeun. Best Actress In A Drama Series: Claire Foy, The Crown. Also nominated: Millie Bobby Brown, Thandie Newton, Winona Ryder, Robin Wright. As I mentioned before, Claire looks A LOT like Adele (I think it's the eyeliner) and, as she did at the Golden Globes, she's wearing a dress with a little girl collar and puffed sleeves and it's make of some weird transparent taupe fabric that looks like it's infested with sequins and shiny green lizards? I don't know.
Gabrielle "Andrea Zuckerman" Carteris is now president of SAG-AFTRA. Good for her. She looks good, but her dress (plain black) fits weirdly in the bust and her eye makeup is a little harsh. She speaks in memory of William Schallert, Patty Duke, and Ken Howard, three past SAG presidents who we lost this year. :(
In Memoriam: Ken Howard, William Schallert, Patty Duke, Nancy Reagan, Bill Nunn, Alan Young, Anton Yelchin, Alexis Arquette, Kenny Baker, Florence Henderson, Robert Vaughn, William Christopher, George Kennedy, Doris Roberts, Larry Drake, Jon Polito, Garry Shandling, Ron Glass, Fyvush Finkel, Steven Hill, Richard Libertini, Abe Vigoda, Prince, Alan Thicke, Zs Zsa Gabor, Garry Marshall, Gene Wilder, Mary Tyler Moore, Carrie Fisher, Debbie Reynolds. This has been just a fucking awful year. :____:
Liz Ahmed and Rashida Jones are here. Rashida's gown is a long floaty high-necked pink thing with a pattern like moldy red wallpaper, and she's wearing big glasses and looks adorable. Seriously Zooey Deschanelesque. She and Riz are talking about Best Drama Ensemble. Winner: Stranger Things. Also nominated: The Crown, Downton Abbey (I really like Michelle Dockrey's striped dress), Game Of Thrones, Westworld. Winona Ryder, who appears to have dyed her hair some odd colors, is very surprised and is so tiny she looks like one of the kids next to the very tall producer guys. The little boys all look very startled, but Millie Bobby is holding it together better than Winona. I can't keep up with the show runner's speech, but it ends with his announcing that if necessary they will punch people in the face? I don't know.
Jonah Hill in a tux. Hi Jonah. Best Lead Actress In A Movie: Emma Stone, La La Land. (We are now entering the portion of the show that will be dominated by La La Land.) Also nominated: Amy Adams, Emily Blunt, Natalie Portman, Meryl Streep. I'm not going to try to describe her gown except that it is hideous and I would have expected so, so much better, Emma is also very breathless and excited and says she's forgotten everything she ever meant to say, Natalie Portman, out in the audience, has a face like "If this had been me I would have not forgotten to say something timely yet deeply moving yet witty. Just so you know."
Brie Larson is continuing to have the best gowns this year: long, absolutely plain, white or maybe very pale pink, perfectly fitted on the bust, a thin off-center halter strap around the neck.. Best Actor: Denzel Washington, Fences!!!!!!. Also nominated: He Who Shall Not Be Named, Andrew Garfield, Ryan Gosling, Viggo Mortensen. Seriously, this is the first time Denzel has won this?! Anyways, I am so, so happy he won. As are, apparently, many other people. Denzel thanks many people, and says he's sure he's leaving someone else out. (He didn't expect to win.) His speech is a little confused, but he does remember to thank Viola Davis last of all.
Nicole Kidman! In a shiny bright emerald gown, with, like, actual peacocks on the shoulders. Best Motion Picture Cast: Hidden Figures!!!!! Also nominated: Captain Fantastic, Fences, Manchester By The Sea, Moonlight. This is a wonderful, wonderful way to end the evening. It is a triumph for actors of color, it is a triumph for women, it is a triumph for celebrations of the lives of scientists, it is (as Taraji says) a celebration of unity. Janelle and Octavia are hanging on each other and crying. Jim Parsons is nodding seriously and starting the applause.
"Love wins, every time", says Taraji, and I hope she is right.