Working Poors
Emotionally charged evening, in a unrelated to my life kind of way. I've started watching the Butterfly Effect and that movie has really caught my attention - I think I need to finish it before I go to sleep. It's just - gripping, really.
Then, watched the documentary Amerika, Amerika on Arte. It was about working poors, something that still baffles me. I remember that philosophy class last year where I had to remind Andover kids that some people worked two, three jobs in the US, and still couldn't pay the rent and feed their kids. The issue chases me deep down. I don't get it. Part of me wants to fight, part of me just can't, because I have classes, because I have to go somewhere. I don't even know where. It's not that I feel guilty for what I have that they don't, even though it does feel wrong that my dog should be better fed than a baby in a country like the US (not that it's not wrong my dog should be better fed than a baby from Bangladesh, just that Bangladesh has an excuse for not being able to provide welfare to its population - the US just doesn't). It's not guilt. I just can't think I, or anyone who cares, should become just as poor as those people - works the other way around for me. We need to bring these people up, give them access to books, education, cheap DVDs. Why do we download DVDs? We can't afford them. Who are we really kidding? You can't afford the whole world. Where should we stop? What's the limit? When does it become ridiculous that something becomes accessible, when you didn't really need it? How much do we really need going to a Firefly convention, having a 10 000 song playlist, buying a new CD player? Again, it's not about shame, or guilt. I just wonder about this system we live in - the system I live in. How much do I really need that Pink TV poster?
I'm annoyed at not being involved more in those things. At not being involved with the Green Party this year - I need to join again. Maybe that's why America holds such magnetism to me - I feel like there's so much to fight for over there, and I don't know why I don't have that drive as much here. What I need is just a demonstration. There's no way to describe how I feel in a demonstration for something I believe in. It's my place, I feel like I belong. I've run around a lot in my life, on a lot of levels. But as long as I can remember, demonstrations have always been some kind of haven to me - not the reason I keep going, but a reminder of what's important. What it all comes down to. Fighting, struggling. There are so many different battles. I don't know which ones I'm supposed to pick. I do wonder about that. I know requiring good social security for every American is more necessary than asking for gay marriage - yet I somewhat believe as strongly in those two things. It's funny how I watch this man who can't support his baby boy anymore trying to fight by joining a union, and they're in that food place and for a second I'm thinking - these people might just be total bigots. Fag's probably a common word for them. Yet I'd fight with them. There are some things that transcend others. Maybe that's what I dream of. Showing people that there is no such thing as a difference between gay and straight people - through fighting for something else, something that unites us. Probably it's a fantasy.
But as I stand there, having looked up Napoleon-related book for 4 hours at a library this afternoon, I just feel like I need to repeat what I mentioned a few entries ago. My literature teacher is idiotic, at least from what she lets us see. There are things that more important than understanding books correctly, speaking French absolutely perfectly, or owning all the right books, studying like crazy. That might just give us a job, sure. I just don't think it's the job I want. I've been struggling with myself trying to figure out my life. As a so-called smart kid who's obsessed like everybody else to "do" something with the smartness, as a young gay woman who wants nothing more but yell around she's gay and it's okay, as a young liberal woman who, quite ironical, wants nothing more than have kids and raise them, as young student who's being pushed like crazy. I know what I wanna be, deep down. I want to be that teacher who helps make kids' life a little bit better. I want to be that union worker who jumps up and down because a union has gained the right to be formed. I want to be that person who fights to ensure our planet's protected. I want, in my own little way, in my own little corner, to make a difference. I want to give people strength to fight, too. I want so badly and desperately to convince them things are worth fighting for.
I can't be stuck with that stiff knowledge Lakanal is full of. I'm not saying it's useless - it's absolutely not, and I value it, and getting to have access to it. Art seems useless in a materialistic way but I hold it close to my heart. I mean, Buffy has helped it make it through adolescence more than anything else. It's just - I don't want to make it my job. I'll leave that to others. In the end, I need to - make things matter. The only thing that scares me? I'm nineteen. I have no clue what's in store for me. I'm showing off on LJ with all my big principles and my ideals and I know most of them will be crushed. I'm saying all those great things about having strength and being involved but I don't know how to argue - I mean, c'mon, everybody ends up being more convincing than I am. Whenever we disagree on whatever topic, I can't even express my own opinion correctly to my girlfriend. I mean, thank Joss she understands me so well she gets my point without my having to explain it rationally, because I just can't seem to be able to do that. Truth is, point is - I want to be something I'm not sure I can be. I'm not sure I have it in me to fight for something openly. I feel good in a demonstration - can I speak in front of a whole assembly about something? Can I answer questions that question my beliefs? I don't know. I'm not sure. Actually, I'm pretty sure I can't. Especially the question part.
Maybe twenty years from now, I'll read this LJ entry again and laugh. Maybe cry. For now - I'll just go back to my telling myself I should get involved with the Green Party, I should take time to read things that don't have anything to do with school, but that matter to me in life, and it certainly doesn't mean they're less important than Flaubert. I guess it is something if I manage to keep that fire alive in me. If I keep believing.
If nothing we do matters,
then all that matters is what we do.
I don't think I can say it better than that. Let me just never forget that.
Then, watched the documentary Amerika, Amerika on Arte. It was about working poors, something that still baffles me. I remember that philosophy class last year where I had to remind Andover kids that some people worked two, three jobs in the US, and still couldn't pay the rent and feed their kids. The issue chases me deep down. I don't get it. Part of me wants to fight, part of me just can't, because I have classes, because I have to go somewhere. I don't even know where. It's not that I feel guilty for what I have that they don't, even though it does feel wrong that my dog should be better fed than a baby in a country like the US (not that it's not wrong my dog should be better fed than a baby from Bangladesh, just that Bangladesh has an excuse for not being able to provide welfare to its population - the US just doesn't). It's not guilt. I just can't think I, or anyone who cares, should become just as poor as those people - works the other way around for me. We need to bring these people up, give them access to books, education, cheap DVDs. Why do we download DVDs? We can't afford them. Who are we really kidding? You can't afford the whole world. Where should we stop? What's the limit? When does it become ridiculous that something becomes accessible, when you didn't really need it? How much do we really need going to a Firefly convention, having a 10 000 song playlist, buying a new CD player? Again, it's not about shame, or guilt. I just wonder about this system we live in - the system I live in. How much do I really need that Pink TV poster?
I'm annoyed at not being involved more in those things. At not being involved with the Green Party this year - I need to join again. Maybe that's why America holds such magnetism to me - I feel like there's so much to fight for over there, and I don't know why I don't have that drive as much here. What I need is just a demonstration. There's no way to describe how I feel in a demonstration for something I believe in. It's my place, I feel like I belong. I've run around a lot in my life, on a lot of levels. But as long as I can remember, demonstrations have always been some kind of haven to me - not the reason I keep going, but a reminder of what's important. What it all comes down to. Fighting, struggling. There are so many different battles. I don't know which ones I'm supposed to pick. I do wonder about that. I know requiring good social security for every American is more necessary than asking for gay marriage - yet I somewhat believe as strongly in those two things. It's funny how I watch this man who can't support his baby boy anymore trying to fight by joining a union, and they're in that food place and for a second I'm thinking - these people might just be total bigots. Fag's probably a common word for them. Yet I'd fight with them. There are some things that transcend others. Maybe that's what I dream of. Showing people that there is no such thing as a difference between gay and straight people - through fighting for something else, something that unites us. Probably it's a fantasy.
But as I stand there, having looked up Napoleon-related book for 4 hours at a library this afternoon, I just feel like I need to repeat what I mentioned a few entries ago. My literature teacher is idiotic, at least from what she lets us see. There are things that more important than understanding books correctly, speaking French absolutely perfectly, or owning all the right books, studying like crazy. That might just give us a job, sure. I just don't think it's the job I want. I've been struggling with myself trying to figure out my life. As a so-called smart kid who's obsessed like everybody else to "do" something with the smartness, as a young gay woman who wants nothing more but yell around she's gay and it's okay, as a young liberal woman who, quite ironical, wants nothing more than have kids and raise them, as young student who's being pushed like crazy. I know what I wanna be, deep down. I want to be that teacher who helps make kids' life a little bit better. I want to be that union worker who jumps up and down because a union has gained the right to be formed. I want to be that person who fights to ensure our planet's protected. I want, in my own little way, in my own little corner, to make a difference. I want to give people strength to fight, too. I want so badly and desperately to convince them things are worth fighting for.
I can't be stuck with that stiff knowledge Lakanal is full of. I'm not saying it's useless - it's absolutely not, and I value it, and getting to have access to it. Art seems useless in a materialistic way but I hold it close to my heart. I mean, Buffy has helped it make it through adolescence more than anything else. It's just - I don't want to make it my job. I'll leave that to others. In the end, I need to - make things matter. The only thing that scares me? I'm nineteen. I have no clue what's in store for me. I'm showing off on LJ with all my big principles and my ideals and I know most of them will be crushed. I'm saying all those great things about having strength and being involved but I don't know how to argue - I mean, c'mon, everybody ends up being more convincing than I am. Whenever we disagree on whatever topic, I can't even express my own opinion correctly to my girlfriend. I mean, thank Joss she understands me so well she gets my point without my having to explain it rationally, because I just can't seem to be able to do that. Truth is, point is - I want to be something I'm not sure I can be. I'm not sure I have it in me to fight for something openly. I feel good in a demonstration - can I speak in front of a whole assembly about something? Can I answer questions that question my beliefs? I don't know. I'm not sure. Actually, I'm pretty sure I can't. Especially the question part.
Maybe twenty years from now, I'll read this LJ entry again and laugh. Maybe cry. For now - I'll just go back to my telling myself I should get involved with the Green Party, I should take time to read things that don't have anything to do with school, but that matter to me in life, and it certainly doesn't mean they're less important than Flaubert. I guess it is something if I manage to keep that fire alive in me. If I keep believing.
If nothing we do matters,
then all that matters is what we do.
I don't think I can say it better than that. Let me just never forget that.