confused...

[greengecko]

I am in a constant state of confusion. I have yet to stop questioning myself and purpose in life. Clearly, I have a lot on my mind. I should be studying for my two tests tomorrow on material I am having problems grasping. But instead I will continue to question myself. I question my faith, my education, my integellence. As I am preparing myself for declaring my second major in my educational career, I hesitate. I came into this chapter in my life KNOWING that I wanted to be an architect. I wanted to design buildings and watch my dreams and ideas come to life. A year and a half later I took my creativity and yearning for all things design and went to Los Angeles...I KNEW I wanted to be a fashion designer. I received my degree after a year and a half of hard work and focus (despite occasional breakdowns, strangely similar to this). And now, after recieving my first degree, I set off to earn a BS in Business. But when I ask myself why business I have no real answers. I want to make good money, I want to feel like my first degree wasn't just a whim, I want a promise of a solid job market after graduation. Is that really enough? I'm not satisfied. What am I passionate about? Well, learning for one. I love history, I am fascinated by religion and all things foreign. I enjoy political science. So what am I getting at here? I want to do something meaningful with my life. I want to help people. I want to teach people about the unfamiliar. I want to do something that is honorable. I want to make a difference in the world. I want to speak and have people listen. I want to write and have people read it. I don't want to be just another number cruncher in the corner. Or a superficial bitch of a fashion designer. I don't want to advance in life by lying, cheating and having no compassion for people. It is just not in my charecter. Why am I so fixated on having a path to follow? A major that is directly linked with a job. Why can't I pave my own path and why am I so afraid to put myself and my work out there to be judged.

Oops! I have to catch the bus...class time...more later if I am feeling inspired. Until then, Ciao!