occupational, identity, and personal crises
... i can't believe i'm doing this. yes, i said i would never write in this again, but i just need to write all this down. i don't care who reads it, i don't care who comments on it. if you do care to read it, or comment on it, all i ask is that you try to remove yourself from me as much as possible.
i was just looking at some pictures that i girl had posted. they were artistic.. they were candid.. they were unassuming, yet thought provoking. they made me wonder what the photographer was thinking about that the moment in her life, as the picture was taken... a moment before, a moment after... a lifetime. they were beautiful. i don't even know the people depicted, i've never seen them in my entire life aside from that minute that i took to briefly scroll through. i want to take pictures like that.... but i never will, i will never be able to take pictures like that.
all i want to do... all i really really want to do in this life is just to be simple. i just want to be happy... i want to observe, i want to think. i don't want to record... i don't want to analyze, i just want to be happy. i want to be unassuming, i want to be nonjudgemental... i want to rid myself of all the terrible traits that society has imparted on me. i want to have the mind of a child in so many ways... i just want to see things for what they are. i wish my parents wouldn't see me as a failure if i decided to live life day to day... pay check to paycheck. i wish they could see wealth as happiness. i wish it was possible for me to literally life with the man i love forever. i would love to see the world fall apart beneath my very feet with him at my side. i wish i could create and see the beauty in whatever it is i've made.. rather than all the little things that could be better, or how i ripped a certain part off in favor of an improvement. i wish i could look at myself in the way that i look at the average person on the street.. or... the random photograph containing people... places, animals and things that i don't recognize, that i have absolutely no social, physical, or any kind of connection, save a human connection to whatsoever.
i spoke to scott on the phone, as i do every night unless i'm circumstantially prohibited from doing so... but we find ourselves in the same predicament. hating the path we're on. he said "we should just be hippies in california... we could do what would make us happiest.. i could provide for you, you could do art... but we'd be together. we'd live one day at a time, and be completely content with it" and i said "hah.. yeah" and he responded.. "see... just the way you said that, i know you'd be truely happy in that life"
its so true... but for some reason, neither of us can bring ourselves or eachother to do that. i don't know what's holding me back... society? him? my own self doubt? my parents? the other side of the fence with grass that appears to be just as green?
i hate engineering... its ugly, its unexciting, its a challenge with no relief.. no pay off, no nothing. but, nothing better comes to mind. i don't know why i can't break away from this.
my life is dark, depressing and unhappy, aside from the true love that i have from those around me. i can only hope that it will be able to guide me through this, that i can somehow choose the correct path in life that will lead to happiness...
but right now, i just don't know what to do
i was just looking at some pictures that i girl had posted. they were artistic.. they were candid.. they were unassuming, yet thought provoking. they made me wonder what the photographer was thinking about that the moment in her life, as the picture was taken... a moment before, a moment after... a lifetime. they were beautiful. i don't even know the people depicted, i've never seen them in my entire life aside from that minute that i took to briefly scroll through. i want to take pictures like that.... but i never will, i will never be able to take pictures like that.
all i want to do... all i really really want to do in this life is just to be simple. i just want to be happy... i want to observe, i want to think. i don't want to record... i don't want to analyze, i just want to be happy. i want to be unassuming, i want to be nonjudgemental... i want to rid myself of all the terrible traits that society has imparted on me. i want to have the mind of a child in so many ways... i just want to see things for what they are. i wish my parents wouldn't see me as a failure if i decided to live life day to day... pay check to paycheck. i wish they could see wealth as happiness. i wish it was possible for me to literally life with the man i love forever. i would love to see the world fall apart beneath my very feet with him at my side. i wish i could create and see the beauty in whatever it is i've made.. rather than all the little things that could be better, or how i ripped a certain part off in favor of an improvement. i wish i could look at myself in the way that i look at the average person on the street.. or... the random photograph containing people... places, animals and things that i don't recognize, that i have absolutely no social, physical, or any kind of connection, save a human connection to whatsoever.
i spoke to scott on the phone, as i do every night unless i'm circumstantially prohibited from doing so... but we find ourselves in the same predicament. hating the path we're on. he said "we should just be hippies in california... we could do what would make us happiest.. i could provide for you, you could do art... but we'd be together. we'd live one day at a time, and be completely content with it" and i said "hah.. yeah" and he responded.. "see... just the way you said that, i know you'd be truely happy in that life"
its so true... but for some reason, neither of us can bring ourselves or eachother to do that. i don't know what's holding me back... society? him? my own self doubt? my parents? the other side of the fence with grass that appears to be just as green?
i hate engineering... its ugly, its unexciting, its a challenge with no relief.. no pay off, no nothing. but, nothing better comes to mind. i don't know why i can't break away from this.
my life is dark, depressing and unhappy, aside from the true love that i have from those around me. i can only hope that it will be able to guide me through this, that i can somehow choose the correct path in life that will lead to happiness...
but right now, i just don't know what to do