12 00 talk it out.
the last few weeks have definitely stood out. That is such a vague way of putting it, but after you have been hit by a tidal wave, held under the surface where there seems no way out, being 'washed up to shore' almost feels anti-climactic. I will graduate from high school in a few short days, and essentially will be expected to jump out into the world and start everything all over again.
I say I'm excited all of the time, but after repeating myself over and over again, I feel disconnected from that excitement. The truth of the matter is that for the three months following graduating everything will be undefined, abstract messy, emotional...I don't know if I like that, even though I have always said that
I can't wait."
The truth of the matter is that my classmates have become my family, and the rigorous academic program I have participated in (with these very people) has really awoken my mind, and driven me to keep learning. I am so scared however, that the next step I am about to take is going to break me down to the point where I feel as though everything I have achieved seems to be inadequate.
In the fall I will be attending a college majoring in directing. While this is what 'I want,' in many ways I am looking upon this event in the same way that I do my graduation. I say I am blown away happy about it (many times I genuinely am) but still there is that feeling of uncertainty that sometimes messes with my mind--sometimes I convince myself that I am not cut out for the task, sometimes I wonder if I would be happier taking a different route, sometimes I look at the people I will attending classes with (well, more like imagine--I haven't actually met anybody...oh the joys and advantages of cyber-networking) and I freak out, feeling as though I lack in experience and caliber in comparison to them. This is natural, but I also think this sentiment is indulgent. I need to realize that at this point in my life, the best, and only healthy approach to this phase in time is to fall in love with life and try and get the most from everything that I do. I feel beyond lucky and gratfull for the opportunity that I have but, still I worry if I am up for it... the only way to know is to get there and see...but waiting is the hardest part.
To skip around a bit, I went to graduation in support of two of my closest friends. I wouldn't have missed it for the world but it was bittersweet. I'm young, and interestingly enough, it was at that institutionalized event that felt the realities of separation for the first time. On the one hand, I while I will always know both of the people I saw graduate it hit me. One has been my one of my closest friends for seven years and the other has been one of the most important people in my life since the beginning of high school. I don't ever want to be distanced from either, and I know that when my graduation comes along, that same feeling will come back only multiplied--in the past four years I have made and retained so many amazing friendships amongst my piers at IHS and I think in all honestly, I will never share a learning space with so many brilliant, creative minds. The set up and structure of my school couldn't have been worse, but the people who I man-ed it out with couldn't have been better.
In a few years, I can't wait to talk to all of these same people. I wont be surprised to hear that one will be the first female president ever (Sophie I really hope you read this--you are amazing) a handful revolutionary doctors, scientists, and of course artists--i expect so much from the IB theater class it's insane.
I am leaving my family, my friends, my teachers (who I didn't mention in this passage, but there have been a few who changed my life--I will write about them later) and it is so important to me to show these people how much they mean to me. I don't want people to feel forgotten, I want to give so much to all of these people, and I want them to always be in my life...I don't believe in wiping the slate clean.
here's to a couple of crazy days.
I say I'm excited all of the time, but after repeating myself over and over again, I feel disconnected from that excitement. The truth of the matter is that for the three months following graduating everything will be undefined, abstract messy, emotional...I don't know if I like that, even though I have always said that
I can't wait."
The truth of the matter is that my classmates have become my family, and the rigorous academic program I have participated in (with these very people) has really awoken my mind, and driven me to keep learning. I am so scared however, that the next step I am about to take is going to break me down to the point where I feel as though everything I have achieved seems to be inadequate.
In the fall I will be attending a college majoring in directing. While this is what 'I want,' in many ways I am looking upon this event in the same way that I do my graduation. I say I am blown away happy about it (many times I genuinely am) but still there is that feeling of uncertainty that sometimes messes with my mind--sometimes I convince myself that I am not cut out for the task, sometimes I wonder if I would be happier taking a different route, sometimes I look at the people I will attending classes with (well, more like imagine--I haven't actually met anybody...oh the joys and advantages of cyber-networking) and I freak out, feeling as though I lack in experience and caliber in comparison to them. This is natural, but I also think this sentiment is indulgent. I need to realize that at this point in my life, the best, and only healthy approach to this phase in time is to fall in love with life and try and get the most from everything that I do. I feel beyond lucky and gratfull for the opportunity that I have but, still I worry if I am up for it... the only way to know is to get there and see...but waiting is the hardest part.
To skip around a bit, I went to graduation in support of two of my closest friends. I wouldn't have missed it for the world but it was bittersweet. I'm young, and interestingly enough, it was at that institutionalized event that felt the realities of separation for the first time. On the one hand, I while I will always know both of the people I saw graduate it hit me. One has been my one of my closest friends for seven years and the other has been one of the most important people in my life since the beginning of high school. I don't ever want to be distanced from either, and I know that when my graduation comes along, that same feeling will come back only multiplied--in the past four years I have made and retained so many amazing friendships amongst my piers at IHS and I think in all honestly, I will never share a learning space with so many brilliant, creative minds. The set up and structure of my school couldn't have been worse, but the people who I man-ed it out with couldn't have been better.
In a few years, I can't wait to talk to all of these same people. I wont be surprised to hear that one will be the first female president ever (Sophie I really hope you read this--you are amazing) a handful revolutionary doctors, scientists, and of course artists--i expect so much from the IB theater class it's insane.
I am leaving my family, my friends, my teachers (who I didn't mention in this passage, but there have been a few who changed my life--I will write about them later) and it is so important to me to show these people how much they mean to me. I don't want people to feel forgotten, I want to give so much to all of these people, and I want them to always be in my life...I don't believe in wiping the slate clean.
here's to a couple of crazy days.