3 months and I'm still sober.
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. And most of it involving my break up with Niamh, and the fact that we don't even talk anymore. I'm still very much hurt and upset. After all, we WERE together for almost 4 years. But in another way, I almost feel like it was best for the both of us. I'm moving up and forward at work, and I spend almost all of my time working. I never get home until 11pm or after, and then I get home and have to finish up homework. I wouldn't have had the time that I used to. And she needs someone who can be there for her. It hurts me more, I think, that roughly a week after we broke up that someone new was in the picture. It doesn't matter how many fights had been going on, or how we were whenever we talked... we were together for 4 years... doesn't that mean ANYTHING? Thats what I was thinking about... the fact that I feel like it meant nothing. And I know, deep down, that that isn't the case. I just can't help how I feel. I want her to be happy, and unfortunately she wasn't finding that in me. And I believe that she IS happy now... I just hope that one day we will be able to be friends again. We tried a little back when I first found out I might have had cancer. But... it wasn't exactly working. Conversations were awkward and distant. And I can't do that right now... I still have too many feelings for her. I won't lie... I hope that one day maybe down the road when we have grown a little more that we can work things out. Because even still, no matter how hurt I am, I still can't see anyone else in my future. I'm not sure if those feelings are reciprocated or not, but in reality, it doesn't necessarily matter. If I'm the only one who feels that way, then so be it. I will feel it. I don't want to sound like that crazy person who will never ever be happy again and who can never move on and what-not. Because fact of the matter is... I CAN move on. I CAN live without her in my life, and I CAN be happy again. I'm just not sure that I want to. Well, minus that happy part. Ha. I mean, I'm not sitting around crying all the time. In fact, I don't ever cry anymore. Unless I have dreams or nightmares like I have recently... ick. I am moving on, moving forward, but not forgetting...
There is a new boy, well old yet new, in my life. Bobby. We're not dating, but we might as well be. You know, one of THOSE situations. Haha. He makes me smile, he makes me laugh, and even though we don't talk everyday or see each other every day or do all those romantic things together... its a good relationship between us. Its what I needed. He comes over and just lays with me until I fall asleep. He kisses my forehead, and rubs my back. He came over last night SPECIFICALLY to rub my head, because I was in the beginning stages of a migraine. He laid with me for about an hour, until my roommate got home and busted up into my room to see what was going on. Haha. We're both afraid of getting hurt, due to our latest relationships ending in not-so-good ways. But we know the feelings are there. I've actually known Bobby all year, and had honestly never seen him in "that way" until about 2 months ago. My roommate and I had partied at their house, his and Adam's, in the beginning of the year because they live right next door. He was always a douche to me, so I just blew it off. Then something happened back around Valentine's day when I was seeing Ryan, and suddenly feelings on BOTH ends changed. Nothing to DO with Valentine's day, I just remember it being around then because ON that lame-ass holiday I got completely annihilated and admitted all of my feelings to him. Ha... it was a bad night to say the least. But thats not what this is about. I've told my parents about him, and they are coming up on sunday with my Meme, who will be in town from Florida, to visit me. I really want them all to meet him. But I am leaving it up to him. I told him they will be here. So we'll see what happens. I want it to go further than it is right now, between he and I. But right now, I'm not pushing it. We are both under stress. Me with work and the end of the semester rapidly approaching in two weeks. And him with graduating in a few weeks, and finding a 'BOG BOY JOB" as he calls it, and still working his other TWO jobs. But where we are right now... its good. I don't want to rush into anything anyway. I'm just happy that he makes me laugh, and can make me smile. Its the little things that really count...
And I don't know
This could break my heart or save me
Nothing's real
Until you let go completely
So here I go with all my thoughts I've been saving
So here I go with all my fears weighing on me
Three months and I'm still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers
But I know it's never really over
And I don't know
I could crash and burn but maybe
At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me
So I won't worry about my timing, I want to get it right
No comparing, second guessing, no not this time
Three months and I'm still breathing
Been a long road since those hands I left my tears in but I know
It's never really over, no
wake up
Three months and I'm still standing here
Three months and I'm getting better yeah
Three months and I still am
Three months and it's still harder now
Three months I've been living here without you now
Three months yeah, three months
Three months and I'm still breathing
Three months and I still remember it
Three months and I wake up
Three months and I'm still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers