The Lowdown
Well, last time around I wrote that I feel like primordial shit without giving any details or reasons. I want to thank those of you who went out of your way to comment and acknowledge me. It really means a lot. Now I will go into a bit more detail about my depression, just to illuminate. I know there are a lot of words here. But I hope you will take the time to read it. This week is the first week of classes of my very last semester of college. For many, this situation might be something exciting. But for me, for many reasons, it is a source of great anguish.
I was supposed to graduate last spring. It wasn't until I filed my Intent to Graduate form that I discovered I was short 13 UPPER LEVEL elective credits. For this reason, this last semester is a source of shame and bitterness at my own mistake. I didn't have any very close friends at school (pathetic, isn't it?) but the few friends I did have, my classmates, have all graduated. I don't suppose it would matter much, as I knew them from art classes and all my classes are just random electives. I am surrounded by strangers. And these classes are hard. I know that this is a ridiculous complaint worthy of eye-rolling. But this is actually going to be my hardest semester yet, and it's all electives.
Of course, the biggest source of fear and anxiety in my life right now is not this semester, but what will happen after it is over. HOW WILL I EVER GET A JOB? The question just keeps repeating and repeating over and over in my head. I don't have any discernable talents or skills. I don't even know what I want to do. I just want a job that I can do that is not insufferable. No matter how much I wanted to graduate last spring, I know I wasn't ready, because I'm not going to be ready in December. I am in a panic because I am about to enter the real world and I am suddenly very aware that something has gone terribly wrong in my development. I am still a child and I don't even know how to be an adult. I don't know how to get a job. I can't even drive on the beltway.
I am not exactly sure how I ended up being 22 and in a stunted state of adolescence, suspended animation. I do have some insight into something that may be a big factor though. For various reasons, I have always found reality almost unbearable. It's only being able to retreat into fantasy that makes my life livable. This is sad but it is true. I have always shunned reality in favor of fantasy and in doing so I know I must have missed out on my sociological and psychological development. The irony of it is that that fantasy world is what I long for. I have no major ambitions. I just want a job that I can do to make a living so that I won't have to worry about much and can just daydream my life away. Right now I am so worried about school and finding a job that I can't seem to escape into fantasy at all. And that has me terribly depressed. I want to go to bed and think about Aizen and Hinamori like I did a week ago. When will I be able to have that again?
And why do I hate real life so much? What am I so afraid of?
I was supposed to graduate last spring. It wasn't until I filed my Intent to Graduate form that I discovered I was short 13 UPPER LEVEL elective credits. For this reason, this last semester is a source of shame and bitterness at my own mistake. I didn't have any very close friends at school (pathetic, isn't it?) but the few friends I did have, my classmates, have all graduated. I don't suppose it would matter much, as I knew them from art classes and all my classes are just random electives. I am surrounded by strangers. And these classes are hard. I know that this is a ridiculous complaint worthy of eye-rolling. But this is actually going to be my hardest semester yet, and it's all electives.
Of course, the biggest source of fear and anxiety in my life right now is not this semester, but what will happen after it is over. HOW WILL I EVER GET A JOB? The question just keeps repeating and repeating over and over in my head. I don't have any discernable talents or skills. I don't even know what I want to do. I just want a job that I can do that is not insufferable. No matter how much I wanted to graduate last spring, I know I wasn't ready, because I'm not going to be ready in December. I am in a panic because I am about to enter the real world and I am suddenly very aware that something has gone terribly wrong in my development. I am still a child and I don't even know how to be an adult. I don't know how to get a job. I can't even drive on the beltway.
I am not exactly sure how I ended up being 22 and in a stunted state of adolescence, suspended animation. I do have some insight into something that may be a big factor though. For various reasons, I have always found reality almost unbearable. It's only being able to retreat into fantasy that makes my life livable. This is sad but it is true. I have always shunned reality in favor of fantasy and in doing so I know I must have missed out on my sociological and psychological development. The irony of it is that that fantasy world is what I long for. I have no major ambitions. I just want a job that I can do to make a living so that I won't have to worry about much and can just daydream my life away. Right now I am so worried about school and finding a job that I can't seem to escape into fantasy at all. And that has me terribly depressed. I want to go to bed and think about Aizen and Hinamori like I did a week ago. When will I be able to have that again?
And why do I hate real life so much? What am I so afraid of?