and where do I go from here?
It did help me to let out the things I did in my last despair-soaked entry. Now I am in the process of having those long, rather unpleasant but altogether necessary, "seriously, what am I going to do with my life for real?" conversations with my parents and family. Conversations. It is definitely a plural thing. This mess is too thick to be sorted out in one chat or in one day. It is heady stuff. I have come to the realization that just scrambling for any job that will have me is only a stalling tactic really. Being a receptionist or an admin assistant is not a long-term lifestyle for me and the people who interview me can probably tell that it is not my dream job, no matter how bad I try to fake it.
So it is decided that I have to go back to school in some capacity. I have to go back to college (for a second bachelor's degree, master's degree, professional degree... it is not certain yet) with focus on making a career for myself. The goal of the talks now is to decide what path to take. There is that awful decision to be made whether I should pursue something I love that would be fulfilling or something I am more likely to get a job in. Right now I am kind of leaning towards the thing I love path, simply because I only get one life and it seems an awful waste to get an accounting or computer science degree and then spend my one life wishing I was an art history professor.
If I do not get into UMD for Library Science (and maybe even if I do) I am starting to think I might actually try to pursue something along the lines of an actual dream, something I would actually enjoy but that I would have to strive to be outstanding at in order to find a place. Maybe I will try to get into VCU, move to Richmond and live with my little brothers. It is still very nebulous to me. I am going to have to sell the car I'm afraid. But in the long run, it doesn't change who I am. Getting into school again, getting the student loans to go (thank god I don't have any loans from my stupid first degree), it is all uncertain. My plans are vague and just starting to take form. But it is time to make them seriously. Stop wasting my life and start fighting my social problems. It will be hard, oh-so-hard, but I have to fight somehow.
At this immediate moment, I am not quite sure what to do. Do I keep looking for a shitty job for now? I am not very good even at looking. I know I have to continue talking things out, research schools, weigh my options. I am sort at the place where I kinda know the direction I want to be headed in but I cannot find the trail in the thick fog. I am worried about the car situation, very much so. But I guess I just have to roll with the punches. Right now feels like a strange stasis.
Happier thoughts: My birthday is coming up on March 10th, two weeks from this Wednesday, and despite the wiser choice of money to keep my head above water a little bit longer, I am going to be a bad girl and wish for new kicks. This juicy pair has caught my eye and I am dying to try them on and see if they are comfortable. I am so sick of and kind of embarrassed by my pink Crocs. I also want a Dharma Initiative shirt, anything Dharma is awesome. I will probably cry on my birthday because of how old I am and how little I have accomplished. But there are late bloomers and also late late bloomers (like me). There will be cake and liquor in any event.
Hockey: I am not quite sure who I really would like to win in this thing. I am actually leaning towards Russia a bit because, while the American team has no Washington Capitols players on it, the Russian team has three. For some reason I think hockey is more fun to watch than other team sports. I also rank hockey players as sexier than other athletes (missing teeth aside). Maybe I am just drawn to men from the lands of the ice and snow.
Random end note: I wish I had the skills to make a Lost-themed parody of the Van Halen video for "Right Now." Most of the people on my f-list are probably familiar with the hilarious anime version, and my idea must certainly seem like a rip-off of the guy who made that. But lots of parodies get made of the same original source material and I think Lost would lend itself quite well to such a video. Oh! And that sweet chili sauce for the McNuggets is making me an addict of sorts. Are they really only going to keep it for a limited time? What a waste!
So it is decided that I have to go back to school in some capacity. I have to go back to college (for a second bachelor's degree, master's degree, professional degree... it is not certain yet) with focus on making a career for myself. The goal of the talks now is to decide what path to take. There is that awful decision to be made whether I should pursue something I love that would be fulfilling or something I am more likely to get a job in. Right now I am kind of leaning towards the thing I love path, simply because I only get one life and it seems an awful waste to get an accounting or computer science degree and then spend my one life wishing I was an art history professor.
If I do not get into UMD for Library Science (and maybe even if I do) I am starting to think I might actually try to pursue something along the lines of an actual dream, something I would actually enjoy but that I would have to strive to be outstanding at in order to find a place. Maybe I will try to get into VCU, move to Richmond and live with my little brothers. It is still very nebulous to me. I am going to have to sell the car I'm afraid. But in the long run, it doesn't change who I am. Getting into school again, getting the student loans to go (thank god I don't have any loans from my stupid first degree), it is all uncertain. My plans are vague and just starting to take form. But it is time to make them seriously. Stop wasting my life and start fighting my social problems. It will be hard, oh-so-hard, but I have to fight somehow.
At this immediate moment, I am not quite sure what to do. Do I keep looking for a shitty job for now? I am not very good even at looking. I know I have to continue talking things out, research schools, weigh my options. I am sort at the place where I kinda know the direction I want to be headed in but I cannot find the trail in the thick fog. I am worried about the car situation, very much so. But I guess I just have to roll with the punches. Right now feels like a strange stasis.
Happier thoughts: My birthday is coming up on March 10th, two weeks from this Wednesday, and despite the wiser choice of money to keep my head above water a little bit longer, I am going to be a bad girl and wish for new kicks. This juicy pair has caught my eye and I am dying to try them on and see if they are comfortable. I am so sick of and kind of embarrassed by my pink Crocs. I also want a Dharma Initiative shirt, anything Dharma is awesome. I will probably cry on my birthday because of how old I am and how little I have accomplished. But there are late bloomers and also late late bloomers (like me). There will be cake and liquor in any event.
Hockey: I am not quite sure who I really would like to win in this thing. I am actually leaning towards Russia a bit because, while the American team has no Washington Capitols players on it, the Russian team has three. For some reason I think hockey is more fun to watch than other team sports. I also rank hockey players as sexier than other athletes (missing teeth aside). Maybe I am just drawn to men from the lands of the ice and snow.
Random end note: I wish I had the skills to make a Lost-themed parody of the Van Halen video for "Right Now." Most of the people on my f-list are probably familiar with the hilarious anime version, and my idea must certainly seem like a rip-off of the guy who made that. But lots of parodies get made of the same original source material and I think Lost would lend itself quite well to such a video. Oh! And that sweet chili sauce for the McNuggets is making me an addict of sorts. Are they really only going to keep it for a limited time? What a waste!