My fears are Haunting me
I've been wanting to get so many things out lately, but never find the time or energy to write them out....
i've been doing a lot of reflecting lately... just... everything has changed so fast.
I made vows to myself that I would not have sex.
The psychological struggle i found myself in when i returned home from the summer was way more intense than i had expected. I thought my mind had grown strong and that i would be able to continue being the person i had developed over summer.I wasn't able to though...
first realization
I had sex with people because I thought that was what made boys love me.
No one ever complimented my on my intelligence, or my personality, or anything. It was all exterior. Of course this was flattering at first, but after all, I began thinking Looks and sex were really all that was important, or at least all i had to offer....
It's amazing to me to find that I actually made myself appear less intelligent just because I thought thats what guys wanted.... I changed myself and made that part of me my whole... At first, deep inside, I knew I was smart and that was enough. But after a while... i must have just, lost that awareness or something, and I completely forgot who I truley was.
I've figured this all out now, and know that I will not have any problems when it comes to what I let guys get from me. I've really built up a strong character i think-- I have more people complimenting me on my accomplishments and victories, rather than my ass now.
So after realizing this, I ask myself, am i ready to truley date??? could i handle it??
and the answer is yes...
... but i find im scared...
My secondrealization last night....I'm terrified of men.
terrified.
The only people I've ever been with have either raped me or left me after finding I was pregnant...
I've never really been intimidated by boys- i never have trouble talking to them. in fact, i find it easier than talking to girls sometimes... but, the thought of going somewhere, with someone, and focusing on them, and them focusing me... terrifies me...
i had a date the other night--- and as it got closer and closer i started getting really, scared.... which is weird. it wasn't the nervous scared. it was the- what if he takes advantage of me and i get raped again- kind of scared...
why are these feelings popping up again??????? I haven't had rape fears for a LONG time. I mean, its getting to be a paranoia and i dont know why... its to the point where im seriously considering getting that eye spray and a rape whistle for my key chain..... you may think thats funny! and i know its kind of ridiculus.... but...still....... i'm having nightmares all the time and just yea....
why is this happening againn....
i've been doing a lot of reflecting lately... just... everything has changed so fast.
I made vows to myself that I would not have sex.
The psychological struggle i found myself in when i returned home from the summer was way more intense than i had expected. I thought my mind had grown strong and that i would be able to continue being the person i had developed over summer.I wasn't able to though...
first realization
I had sex with people because I thought that was what made boys love me.
No one ever complimented my on my intelligence, or my personality, or anything. It was all exterior. Of course this was flattering at first, but after all, I began thinking Looks and sex were really all that was important, or at least all i had to offer....
It's amazing to me to find that I actually made myself appear less intelligent just because I thought thats what guys wanted.... I changed myself and made that part of me my whole... At first, deep inside, I knew I was smart and that was enough. But after a while... i must have just, lost that awareness or something, and I completely forgot who I truley was.
I've figured this all out now, and know that I will not have any problems when it comes to what I let guys get from me. I've really built up a strong character i think-- I have more people complimenting me on my accomplishments and victories, rather than my ass now.
So after realizing this, I ask myself, am i ready to truley date??? could i handle it??
and the answer is yes...
... but i find im scared...
My secondrealization last night....I'm terrified of men.
terrified.
The only people I've ever been with have either raped me or left me after finding I was pregnant...
I've never really been intimidated by boys- i never have trouble talking to them. in fact, i find it easier than talking to girls sometimes... but, the thought of going somewhere, with someone, and focusing on them, and them focusing me... terrifies me...
i had a date the other night--- and as it got closer and closer i started getting really, scared.... which is weird. it wasn't the nervous scared. it was the- what if he takes advantage of me and i get raped again- kind of scared...
why are these feelings popping up again??????? I haven't had rape fears for a LONG time. I mean, its getting to be a paranoia and i dont know why... its to the point where im seriously considering getting that eye spray and a rape whistle for my key chain..... you may think thats funny! and i know its kind of ridiculus.... but...still....... i'm having nightmares all the time and just yea....
why is this happening againn....