I died yesterday
So... again, early jump on hating the new day.
I blame the whole waking up on the wrong side of the bed.. Okay, so maybe I didn' litterally wake up on the wrong side, but today just didn' start out good. Well the school day didn't.
Started out with McDermott being gone. Normally a cause for celebration, but today she left an assignment for us to work on and it's weird. It was made all the harder and frustrating because there was no lecture to explain what the hell we were supposed to do. So I dragged my feet on it. Tried not to do it...
That was quite possibly the worst thing ever to do, without math occupying my brain, Gorgeous's friend occupied it. So many what ifs.. so frickin' many. I just wish there was a definate yes or no... I just wish that it would end. All this freakin' uncertainty. I thought it was over after that Sunday after prom. But then it came up again on Saturday. And he actually asked my thoughts on it... I don't think I ever did give my actual thoughts... I just kept telling him what would be best. But not once did I convey how much I wish we'd all just go to hell because who cares about what's best...
I guess I'm afraid. I'm always afraid. always always always. I wish for once I could be brave. I wish I could just stand up and defend myself and what I feel. Problem is, it's something that I've always said that I want. I keep telling guys that they simply can't change when they go into a relationship... but he never seems to show that he has affection for me. Or maybe he's always been showing it to me, so I'm just too used to it.
I can't get him off my mind at all. He told me that I could be open to him, but when I am... just seems as if it's not returned. It was something else I noticed this morning... last night it was basically me and him in Freelancer and he was on the mic, and my brother was monopolizing him, so I was stuck typing. I think that might've added, but he sounded a bit awkward while talking.. or maybe he was just busy? or I 'unno... but at one point, he really talked. He talked about going out into a shipyard. lol and he was just... he was just himself and it was wonderful... I just wish he could always be like that. lol
I miss him. I hate missing him. Makes me feel weak. and desperate.
I blame the whole waking up on the wrong side of the bed.. Okay, so maybe I didn' litterally wake up on the wrong side, but today just didn' start out good. Well the school day didn't.
Started out with McDermott being gone. Normally a cause for celebration, but today she left an assignment for us to work on and it's weird. It was made all the harder and frustrating because there was no lecture to explain what the hell we were supposed to do. So I dragged my feet on it. Tried not to do it...
That was quite possibly the worst thing ever to do, without math occupying my brain, Gorgeous's friend occupied it. So many what ifs.. so frickin' many. I just wish there was a definate yes or no... I just wish that it would end. All this freakin' uncertainty. I thought it was over after that Sunday after prom. But then it came up again on Saturday. And he actually asked my thoughts on it... I don't think I ever did give my actual thoughts... I just kept telling him what would be best. But not once did I convey how much I wish we'd all just go to hell because who cares about what's best...
I guess I'm afraid. I'm always afraid. always always always. I wish for once I could be brave. I wish I could just stand up and defend myself and what I feel. Problem is, it's something that I've always said that I want. I keep telling guys that they simply can't change when they go into a relationship... but he never seems to show that he has affection for me. Or maybe he's always been showing it to me, so I'm just too used to it.
I can't get him off my mind at all. He told me that I could be open to him, but when I am... just seems as if it's not returned. It was something else I noticed this morning... last night it was basically me and him in Freelancer and he was on the mic, and my brother was monopolizing him, so I was stuck typing. I think that might've added, but he sounded a bit awkward while talking.. or maybe he was just busy? or I 'unno... but at one point, he really talked. He talked about going out into a shipyard. lol and he was just... he was just himself and it was wonderful... I just wish he could always be like that. lol
I miss him. I hate missing him. Makes me feel weak. and desperate.