Recognition of my pride
... last night, I was just incapable of writing.
But the past few years, my parents have missed out on some big things in my life, them not being as involved in my life as they should be to be in the know. They've missed concerts, talent shows, drama / speech performances, solo and small group competition performances... They missed when I was at MSU and performed in the quartet that took me to state. And the big thing about that is.. if there was ever a chance that we might not have gone to state, it'd've been my fault. The other three girls were going to state already, for solos, duets and instruments.. I was the only one who was going because of the quartet alone. That's because I ain' great like that, but just for this one thing, I tried. So hard. And my parents didn' even know, or care I suppose 'cause I was estatic for the opportunity to go to State for the first time.
So last night was Music Cellebration, sixth year, final year. Past years, we've had it at Towner, Sawyer, DLB, Berthold, Glenburn.. and this year it was at Surrey. Past years, I've told them that I was going.. after all, they got to drop me off early at the school and then pick me up 'round 9p or 10p... I figured they should at least know what I'm doing, but I've not once asked them to attend because it wasn' Surrey, and they would have likely gotten lost on the way or complained about having to drive so far away. I never knew it'd be a Surrey, until last year. I was so excited.
Yesterday was superb. Really.. I could not have asked for a better one. I was at home in the halls, I owned this school and these kids were trespassing on my terf. I could sit up front, scribble on the chalkboard, sit in the director chair and spin and laugh.. 'cause this was all mine. Not theirs. The director these year was the cherry on top of it all. She was awesome. She came all the way from Grand Forks to direct us, and she was just so active. She even asked for my name, 97 kids that I could have easily blended into, and she asked for my name. ^_^ Then told me that I had good posture [despite feet being far from flat on the floor -_- ] and she told me I was a good leader. Hearing it from Kittleson years on end.. it gets old, and half the time, I'm under the impression that he was sucking up to me to try and get me back in the band. But to hear it from this awesome lady who existed only to screw around with us, who'd only been here for a few hours... it was awesomeness. I had a lot of fun. Madeline and I have really been becoming good friends =3.
Only a few dark spots throughout the day, at first I only blew 'em off... but they just.. pooled. Coming together to create this huge inkspot on the day. First one was when she was running us through an exercise, of sorts. Having us sing a Hebrew round in solfedge [sp?] and it was great. It was a new song, and it was challenging in it's foreigness to me, and it sounded awesome. But at the end, she spoke of when she once did that with her sixth graders [I think she said] back in Waco, Texas. Asking them what they thought.. they gradually came under the same general thought that they only wanted their parents to pay attention to them. And this of course struck a nerve with me.
Later that day, we had a small choral group from MSU came to perform for us, followed shortly by the Magi Drumline.. Shelby's mom had me video tape her. But this group.. it included Josh Collins. My prom date from last year. And at first, I was only passive about him being there, but soon, I don' know why, but I noticed they were packed together pretty tightly 'round the microphones. This chick was almost blocking him out, and just in a split second, I remembered what it was like to be close to him, feeling his solid and warm shoulder against mine during pictures. I don' even remember his hand on my waist.. just his shoulder, I don' know why.. but it hit me and I was just bam, back. I remembered how happy I was that night.. and yet not. I was happy because he was really there. I had had a crush on him for a year, and just all of the sudden, he was my date to prom. In the span of a week... But I knew it had nothing to do with me. All I was to him was a pass into the Surrey Prom. -_- Heaven forbid one of the band members not get into Kason and Alex's prom. Forrest was with Aleeshia and I can't remember what Tom was up to, but he wasn' there. Well, Collins took me out to dinner at the Michaels.. because that's where everyone else was.. and every chance we had to talk, someone would walk up and start talking to us. It was pathetic. We had both showed up late, him later than me, and we had a table for two.. just me and him. And I would either be in the middle of talking to him and someone would walk up and start talking to him, or I'd be giving him a moment to look over the menu and figure out what he'd want and then someone would walk up and start talking to him, and they'd be talking for like.. ever. What really stung was when I think it was Harvey walked up, they started talkin' like they were great buddies then the one sticks out their hand and all of the sudden introductions start. 's like.. what. the. hell. Then he'd come back to me.. and then.. not talk. I got mad to say the least, but I kept myself under control. I think I remember only one moment when he actually disengaged himself from the group to hang back with me because I was falling behind, but I don't know if that was a dream, or what..
And just.. getting off that tangent.. all of this came back when I saw him up there.. lookin' like as big of a dork as possible it seemed.. but I knew. But this all just came together and I remembered Ryan.. and how we've been broken up for over a month now.. and how much I love him, but just couldn' do that no more... how much I hated the fact that my mom wouldn' let him visit this last summer.. how it might not have happened if he had just come... how it was, in part, my mom's fault.. how she didn' even know about the break up. How it was over.
To add to this missing of Ryan, we were singing a song that we first started singing last year around the time Ryan and I first broke up.. and how when I first sang that song, I had sang it with everything in me because I felt every word.
But at this time, I was still fully enjoying myself.. despite all these little things lying around me. I, for a moment or two, actually thought about calling my parents and asking them to come to the concert.. but then I remembered that Dad might have work tomorrow.. and then I remembered all previous concerts my parents had come to. How Dad'd complain about the time, how his back hurt, how his feet.. or head hurt, how the people drive crazy and just so on. I, then, just figured that if they were gonna come, they'd come. I shouldn' have to ask for their attention or recognition of my pride.
But last night, all those loose things got tied up in one another in the middle of the concert. The director took a moment to stop and say thank you to all the parents who had come out to see their kids perform. How the parents would never know just how much it meant to us that they were there to see our hard work. And I could never do her justice, but the director said all that in such a way that I started crying a little, just right there in the choir.. All of these little things just came crushing down on me.. it was Surrey, I'm a senior, this is my last year, today would have been so perfect if they could have Just Been Here...
When I got home.. I went about the rest of a night in a little more than a daze. Took a shower.. but failed to get clean at all.. left shampoo in my hair, didn' even attempt body wash or anything.. just stood in there and cried at the injustice of it all.. My mom had said she didn' know there was a concert.
Six years of doing this.. and it is Just AFTER the final performance I'll ever have and they ask what Music Cellebration is.. what do we do..
So, I took today off to get my head back on right..
But the past few years, my parents have missed out on some big things in my life, them not being as involved in my life as they should be to be in the know. They've missed concerts, talent shows, drama / speech performances, solo and small group competition performances... They missed when I was at MSU and performed in the quartet that took me to state. And the big thing about that is.. if there was ever a chance that we might not have gone to state, it'd've been my fault. The other three girls were going to state already, for solos, duets and instruments.. I was the only one who was going because of the quartet alone. That's because I ain' great like that, but just for this one thing, I tried. So hard. And my parents didn' even know, or care I suppose 'cause I was estatic for the opportunity to go to State for the first time.
So last night was Music Cellebration, sixth year, final year. Past years, we've had it at Towner, Sawyer, DLB, Berthold, Glenburn.. and this year it was at Surrey. Past years, I've told them that I was going.. after all, they got to drop me off early at the school and then pick me up 'round 9p or 10p... I figured they should at least know what I'm doing, but I've not once asked them to attend because it wasn' Surrey, and they would have likely gotten lost on the way or complained about having to drive so far away. I never knew it'd be a Surrey, until last year. I was so excited.
Yesterday was superb. Really.. I could not have asked for a better one. I was at home in the halls, I owned this school and these kids were trespassing on my terf. I could sit up front, scribble on the chalkboard, sit in the director chair and spin and laugh.. 'cause this was all mine. Not theirs. The director these year was the cherry on top of it all. She was awesome. She came all the way from Grand Forks to direct us, and she was just so active. She even asked for my name, 97 kids that I could have easily blended into, and she asked for my name. ^_^ Then told me that I had good posture [despite feet being far from flat on the floor -_- ] and she told me I was a good leader. Hearing it from Kittleson years on end.. it gets old, and half the time, I'm under the impression that he was sucking up to me to try and get me back in the band. But to hear it from this awesome lady who existed only to screw around with us, who'd only been here for a few hours... it was awesomeness. I had a lot of fun. Madeline and I have really been becoming good friends =3.
Only a few dark spots throughout the day, at first I only blew 'em off... but they just.. pooled. Coming together to create this huge inkspot on the day. First one was when she was running us through an exercise, of sorts. Having us sing a Hebrew round in solfedge [sp?] and it was great. It was a new song, and it was challenging in it's foreigness to me, and it sounded awesome. But at the end, she spoke of when she once did that with her sixth graders [I think she said] back in Waco, Texas. Asking them what they thought.. they gradually came under the same general thought that they only wanted their parents to pay attention to them. And this of course struck a nerve with me.
Later that day, we had a small choral group from MSU came to perform for us, followed shortly by the Magi Drumline.. Shelby's mom had me video tape her. But this group.. it included Josh Collins. My prom date from last year. And at first, I was only passive about him being there, but soon, I don' know why, but I noticed they were packed together pretty tightly 'round the microphones. This chick was almost blocking him out, and just in a split second, I remembered what it was like to be close to him, feeling his solid and warm shoulder against mine during pictures. I don' even remember his hand on my waist.. just his shoulder, I don' know why.. but it hit me and I was just bam, back. I remembered how happy I was that night.. and yet not. I was happy because he was really there. I had had a crush on him for a year, and just all of the sudden, he was my date to prom. In the span of a week... But I knew it had nothing to do with me. All I was to him was a pass into the Surrey Prom. -_- Heaven forbid one of the band members not get into Kason and Alex's prom. Forrest was with Aleeshia and I can't remember what Tom was up to, but he wasn' there. Well, Collins took me out to dinner at the Michaels.. because that's where everyone else was.. and every chance we had to talk, someone would walk up and start talking to us. It was pathetic. We had both showed up late, him later than me, and we had a table for two.. just me and him. And I would either be in the middle of talking to him and someone would walk up and start talking to him, or I'd be giving him a moment to look over the menu and figure out what he'd want and then someone would walk up and start talking to him, and they'd be talking for like.. ever. What really stung was when I think it was Harvey walked up, they started talkin' like they were great buddies then the one sticks out their hand and all of the sudden introductions start. 's like.. what. the. hell. Then he'd come back to me.. and then.. not talk. I got mad to say the least, but I kept myself under control. I think I remember only one moment when he actually disengaged himself from the group to hang back with me because I was falling behind, but I don't know if that was a dream, or what..
And just.. getting off that tangent.. all of this came back when I saw him up there.. lookin' like as big of a dork as possible it seemed.. but I knew. But this all just came together and I remembered Ryan.. and how we've been broken up for over a month now.. and how much I love him, but just couldn' do that no more... how much I hated the fact that my mom wouldn' let him visit this last summer.. how it might not have happened if he had just come... how it was, in part, my mom's fault.. how she didn' even know about the break up. How it was over.
To add to this missing of Ryan, we were singing a song that we first started singing last year around the time Ryan and I first broke up.. and how when I first sang that song, I had sang it with everything in me because I felt every word.
But at this time, I was still fully enjoying myself.. despite all these little things lying around me. I, for a moment or two, actually thought about calling my parents and asking them to come to the concert.. but then I remembered that Dad might have work tomorrow.. and then I remembered all previous concerts my parents had come to. How Dad'd complain about the time, how his back hurt, how his feet.. or head hurt, how the people drive crazy and just so on. I, then, just figured that if they were gonna come, they'd come. I shouldn' have to ask for their attention or recognition of my pride.
But last night, all those loose things got tied up in one another in the middle of the concert. The director took a moment to stop and say thank you to all the parents who had come out to see their kids perform. How the parents would never know just how much it meant to us that they were there to see our hard work. And I could never do her justice, but the director said all that in such a way that I started crying a little, just right there in the choir.. All of these little things just came crushing down on me.. it was Surrey, I'm a senior, this is my last year, today would have been so perfect if they could have Just Been Here...
When I got home.. I went about the rest of a night in a little more than a daze. Took a shower.. but failed to get clean at all.. left shampoo in my hair, didn' even attempt body wash or anything.. just stood in there and cried at the injustice of it all.. My mom had said she didn' know there was a concert.
Six years of doing this.. and it is Just AFTER the final performance I'll ever have and they ask what Music Cellebration is.. what do we do..
So, I took today off to get my head back on right..