Home is where the Heart is...
I'm sure I've aired this thought before... but I really do dislike walking through any form of residential. I always feel so uprooted. I was thinking about it today, and started pondering the feeling of homesickness that accompanies the dislike. I believe it all to be centered around the fact that I need to lay roots.. develop a connection with a place. Find a nook that I can hide in when I must.. not constantly having to rethink and find a new place. I have a feeling that my anxiety would be greatly reduced if I got to know my location for once. Become familiar with the people and genuinely relax into the space instead of constantly beating myself up for that mess that I really need to clean but just haven't yet.
I also realized while I'll greatly miss having Aaron's company through the night (that first month or so is going to Really suck), I can't wait to have my own place because then No One can tell me that I have to leave. No fucking power in the world will rip me from another home. Not Residence Life, not prior tenants, not roommates... just me and the landlord. I'm excited because I really really want to go home. I want a place to just sprawl out on and exist within. I want a space that is Mine. I'll hang that picture, throw that blanket there, set a comfy space there... and hell. I'll build a blanket fort in that corner with lots of pillows! .. I really do try my best to not dote on the fact that this isn't my home.. that soon I'll be ripped out of the ground and thrown into the wind again... but it's so hard when I was constantly being told that this was it! I lived here! My home! No need to be worried, you'll never be turned away... you can stay.. and then find out that ... it's for a limited time only. Didn't see that fine print in the beginning. Wouldn't have mattered much... would've still fell in love with this place. :) It's so old. Reminds me of the house I grew up in. It's little tricks to learn.. how to walk from one room to another without waking Aaron, learning the best windows for the best time of day, which room is warmest.. the creaks and cracks.. I hate that they try to build houses perfectly. Houses from 1900 still stand. They're noisy, but they stand. Now they just seem to want houses that'll last 10 to 20 years and be quiet for as long as possible. How do you develop a connection with a home that doesn't talk to you and doesn't exist?
Point is.. I'll miss this place. No matter what. There are memories here. I just wish that I had a better head so I didn't have to leave them here with it. Just yet another place to be nostalgic and homesick for.
I'm such a plant... repotting is extremely stressful for me. My leaves will droop and I'll almost die until I finally accept that I have what I need where I am at and that things can only get better.
I also realized while I'll greatly miss having Aaron's company through the night (that first month or so is going to Really suck), I can't wait to have my own place because then No One can tell me that I have to leave. No fucking power in the world will rip me from another home. Not Residence Life, not prior tenants, not roommates... just me and the landlord. I'm excited because I really really want to go home. I want a place to just sprawl out on and exist within. I want a space that is Mine. I'll hang that picture, throw that blanket there, set a comfy space there... and hell. I'll build a blanket fort in that corner with lots of pillows! .. I really do try my best to not dote on the fact that this isn't my home.. that soon I'll be ripped out of the ground and thrown into the wind again... but it's so hard when I was constantly being told that this was it! I lived here! My home! No need to be worried, you'll never be turned away... you can stay.. and then find out that ... it's for a limited time only. Didn't see that fine print in the beginning. Wouldn't have mattered much... would've still fell in love with this place. :) It's so old. Reminds me of the house I grew up in. It's little tricks to learn.. how to walk from one room to another without waking Aaron, learning the best windows for the best time of day, which room is warmest.. the creaks and cracks.. I hate that they try to build houses perfectly. Houses from 1900 still stand. They're noisy, but they stand. Now they just seem to want houses that'll last 10 to 20 years and be quiet for as long as possible. How do you develop a connection with a home that doesn't talk to you and doesn't exist?
Point is.. I'll miss this place. No matter what. There are memories here. I just wish that I had a better head so I didn't have to leave them here with it. Just yet another place to be nostalgic and homesick for.
I'm such a plant... repotting is extremely stressful for me. My leaves will droop and I'll almost die until I finally accept that I have what I need where I am at and that things can only get better.