who knows.
Well, yesterday was the MBS graduation. And I had a lot of fun, mostly because it was the first REAL graduation that I’ve been to, and that it was kind of a surreal feeling thinking that it could've been me up there. Life is always full of 'what if's', and man do I have a few..., but I don't want to live in the past with my 'what if's' anymore, it's just takes so much out of you. And it’s about time I moved forward. I sat next to Nate during the ceremony, and I love Nate, he's such a great and amazing guy. But something just feels off. I think that we both really want to be friends with each other, but we don't know how. Does that make sense? I mean, he became friends with my friend Mel through this journal, and I didn't even introduce them to each other. And immediately they became better friends with each other than I am with either of them. And it just felt like a punch in the stomach in a way. But I mean, you can't control who you become friends with, it just happens. And it's a great feeling when you find someone that you can just connect with, and they have that, so I’m happy for them. I feel like I haven't found my grounding yet. That I haven't found myself. And yes, I know that that’s a life long process, and I do know myself, but I would just like to find a place where I feel content. I'm really hoping that moving to Los Angeles for this program is going to help me get there. Sitting through the graduation ceremony made me think, have I made an impact on anyone’s life? Or more precise, did I make an impact on anyone’s life at MBS the way that they made an impact on mine? I saw Dan Dunham, which was (or felt) so crazy, he gained a lot of weight, and he looked so much the same, but SO different. He used to be one of my best friends, and today I don’t even know him. Last night Mike Kirchner was in my dream, I don’t remember what it was about, but I know that he was in it. I saw Kara at graduation, but we didn't really get to talk that much. But she's coming to my graduation party, so that's going to be fun. I saw Billy there. And I don’t even know if he saw me. I tried to just brush it off, but of course I found myself scanning the crowds just to catch a glimpse of him. Ugh, it's so pathetic, lol. But it got me thinking, the major reason why I feel this way every time I see him or think about him, is that through the years (not so much now, but back then) I built him up so much in my head, he was the first guy who really gave me butterflies, he was the first guy who actually liked me in YEARS. When in reality I know next to nothing about him in his every day life, and he knows next to nothing about me. There are so many people that I wish I had gotten to know, and there are so many people I wish I could've let in to know me. And it's really sad to feel that it's all coming to an end. Who knows when I will see these people again, or if I’ll ever see them again? So many open-end questions and not enough time. Nothing left but a memory.