i realize just what i missed, everytime i feel like this.

[greendayfreak]

this has been the most boring day ever. since i woke up at 11am i have not moved from this room. my head feels like it's going to explode with an insane sinus infection. this fever refuses to leave. there is so much sick snot in my stomach it made me puke. i have watched all 12 episodes of america's next top model. alone. it's on these days that i wish i made an effort to make more friends. i am over the drunk partying thing, actually i never really liked it much to begin with. sometimes i wish i wouldn't have grow up so fast and could still enjoy these things. i feel like an old person already, a mom. i remember people telling me when i was younger that i was forced to grow up too fast and they were sorry it had to be like that, i never really understood what they meant until now. you pretty much don't have a choice when your dad sits you down in 6th grade and says "even after all these things we've done for the last 8 years, your mother is going to die." it kind of puts things into perspective as in what's important and what really isn't.
i hope i'm in such a bad mood tonight because i've been stuck in here since thursday. i guess i am not as independent as i thought. i don't know if being completely alone and hating it counts as not being independent, but if it is this is never what i want to be.
i want spring to come maybe it will make me feel alive again. when i get home i will paint and re-do my room because it will be mine again. a very bright color. and I don't want it to remind me of the past. i feel like i escaped the awfulness of the summer by leaving for school and i will be forced to face it again when i'm home for good.
i just want to start over period.
i need a paper journal so i stop putting these stupid things online.