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when ever i think i'm ok and that maybe there is a slim chance that i'll start the process of moving on, something happens. it never ends. yesterday somebody from my school died. they had a wreck on their way to school and hit a bus. i didnt really know the girl or anything. she was in my grade. but her dying. it just made me think. especially the fact that ashlee thought it was me who had the wreck at 1st. and that made me think even more. what if i had drove to school that morning. the bus she hit was the one that i pass everyday. and i pass it at that spot. and well i woulda been driving fast. i very well coulda hit it. and yeah. as pathetic as it is, it made me think of jeremy. what if it had been me and i'd never seen him again kind of deal. cuz i prob wont see him really. but mainly, i'll never get to tell him i love him again, and that he'll never say he loves me. atleast not in a romantic way. i dunno. another girl died today to from another school. we played against them and their coach called mine cuz they are good friends. well scarberry is friends with everyone here still. but he called and said that girl died. and it just made me think even more than what i already was bout this. a flood of thoughts just fill my mind, kinda hit me.i even think bout jeremy's wreck last year. and even tho he doesnt know it, i was worried about him. i thought bout it long and hard when ever he told me bout it. cuz it kinda played over in my mind that he said he almost died. i keep thinking back to that and how i felt. even tho i acted like a stupid bitch when i talked to him. i was still scared to death for him, just didnt want to let him know. mainly cuz i'm an idiot. but i wish i could tell him everything. but likes he'll prob take it as me being pushy and as another desperate attempt at getting him to want me back. i want him back so badly. its still as strong as ever. it never fades not even the slightest. when ever i see his nick pop up. i get really excited, excited like maybe he's gonna say something to me, something maybe good. something maybe good like him rethinking his decission. i know thats really pathetic but thats how i think. even if he doesnt say anything to me. i dont know. i'm so fuckin retarded. its killing me. i wish i could just except the fact that he wants nothing more with me. i mean its slapping me in the face. there is no sign that he'd feel otherwise. but yet i am how i am. hopelessly devoted to somebody whos not even there. i keep getting this mental image of him being so content and not even giving me a 2nd thought. it happens all the time. just him "finally" doing everything he wants. like not having me around his a weight off his shoulders. i hate it. he told me he needed me once before. and now i..i dont know. dave polluted my mind. but then maybe he filled it with facts. i dont know. i hate not knowing. thats another thing i wish i could talk to jeremy about. but then again he'd prob think me retarded and if all were true he'd prob switch it around to make me doubt it even more and then i'd take it the wrong way and get hurt and want him more and just everything as such. i hate the way i think. enough said.