(no subject)
Whyyyy am I so restless? My mind, not me. I keep trying to find an outlet. Music, doodling, baking, zoning to tv, nothing is working. I started writing a letter to someone I owe a letter to, and my brain just went off on a tangent. I am so so so focused on personal growth but I don't know where to start.
Every time I look at writing on the internet, for some reason it all links back to rape or feminism or both. What? Clearly I'm lurking in an odd alley of the internet! Don't get me wrong, those are of interest to me, and my career is being built on them, but when I'm home lounging and surfing the world wide web, that's the last thing I expect to land on in my random clickings. It always leaves me feeling daunted (is that a word? the feeling of something daunting? idk, it is now). I fall so quickly into the same spiral when that hits me in my personal life. At work, rape equals work. I can put it into a box, give it a title, make it a problem to solve. At home, when it hits me, it's different. It's personal. It's mine. No box is the right shape. It's constantly contorting, and then what? Then comes the other thoughts. The old family, my past, depression, death, all kinds of things. I'm not suicidal, I just mean I think of those who have died, all those I lost, especially while I was still in high school and super sensitive to all my feelings. Blargh. I don't know what I'm getting at.
Back to personal growth. I feel like I'm on the right path, or at least parallel to it. I'm in the right business, but am I in the right place? I used to justify being here because the location served me. I dont know if it's still serving me. It would be a personal affront to my boss to leave now. She's invested so much time in me and put so much stock in my future in our organization, but I just don't know if it's working for me. I need to do more. I am craving more. I know I can't change the world, but I'm afraid my fire will burn out if it's not stoked for much longer. I don't want it to go wafting into the air as blue grey smoke, I want it to smolder and burn and make shit happen.
I think I'm suddenly in new realm, a realm of people I used to despise when I couldn't fit in that realm. It's a dirty word. I might be in the realm of white middle class. *shudders* I don't want that "privilege." Karma may say I deserve it, but I say screw that. Here I am questioning the future of my soul, and I feel wrong about doing it. It's almost like one of those "first world" problems memes I see floating around the internet. There are people struggling for food, clothes, shelter, heat (me too on that front haha), and here I am questioning if I should leave my job because it's not using my full potential. Who am I to want for more, when so many people want for what I have? And yet, I can't be satisfied somehow.
Every time I look at writing on the internet, for some reason it all links back to rape or feminism or both. What? Clearly I'm lurking in an odd alley of the internet! Don't get me wrong, those are of interest to me, and my career is being built on them, but when I'm home lounging and surfing the world wide web, that's the last thing I expect to land on in my random clickings. It always leaves me feeling daunted (is that a word? the feeling of something daunting? idk, it is now). I fall so quickly into the same spiral when that hits me in my personal life. At work, rape equals work. I can put it into a box, give it a title, make it a problem to solve. At home, when it hits me, it's different. It's personal. It's mine. No box is the right shape. It's constantly contorting, and then what? Then comes the other thoughts. The old family, my past, depression, death, all kinds of things. I'm not suicidal, I just mean I think of those who have died, all those I lost, especially while I was still in high school and super sensitive to all my feelings. Blargh. I don't know what I'm getting at.
Back to personal growth. I feel like I'm on the right path, or at least parallel to it. I'm in the right business, but am I in the right place? I used to justify being here because the location served me. I dont know if it's still serving me. It would be a personal affront to my boss to leave now. She's invested so much time in me and put so much stock in my future in our organization, but I just don't know if it's working for me. I need to do more. I am craving more. I know I can't change the world, but I'm afraid my fire will burn out if it's not stoked for much longer. I don't want it to go wafting into the air as blue grey smoke, I want it to smolder and burn and make shit happen.
I think I'm suddenly in new realm, a realm of people I used to despise when I couldn't fit in that realm. It's a dirty word. I might be in the realm of white middle class. *shudders* I don't want that "privilege." Karma may say I deserve it, but I say screw that. Here I am questioning the future of my soul, and I feel wrong about doing it. It's almost like one of those "first world" problems memes I see floating around the internet. There are people struggling for food, clothes, shelter, heat (me too on that front haha), and here I am questioning if I should leave my job because it's not using my full potential. Who am I to want for more, when so many people want for what I have? And yet, I can't be satisfied somehow.