"Fitting In" to Life
Do you ever feel like you're avidly trying to be yourself, and in this struggle to find yourself, you constantly try to avoid what's "hip" or "mainstream" because you don't want to be labeled that way? And yet sometimes, that is who you are and how you feel, but you don't express it because of all the unwanted labels that come with it. Maybe I'm overthinking this.
But I feel that all the time. Moreover, I feel like my personality has sooo many unrealized dimensions. I'm sure that's true of all people, but I don't know how to express all of me, ever. At this point, I have my friends in Vermont who know one piece of me. Mostly the do-gooder, self-motivated, happy go lucky type. Sometimes they see my rage face or my drunken hot mess, but mostly they get sunshine and rainbows. And then there's the sub-genre-my gay life. I have certain friends that I can and can't be my whole lesbo self with. And that's cool. There's times when I can be all rainbows and lesbo and dykes galore, and not feel bad. But even in that genre, I have unexpressed parts of me. On any given day, I'd probably be labeled something along the lines of "soft femme." However, I don't feel that way. On the inside, I feel like I want to portray some kind of hard core punk rocker butch type self. The me that is super confident, super suave, and super butch. God I feel so silly writing this out, but meh, it's real and it's me. The problem arises when my worlds collide though. If my everyday self looks like a damn kindergarten teacher, how do I then translate the other parts of my personality that don't match up? The parts of me that want more tattoos, that want to ride a motorcycle and play rugby and roller derby. The parts of me that haven't rolled over and died and fallen into "my path."
I doubt I'll ever be completely happy or satisfied if I leave all these reserves of me untapped. But aside from creating an alter ego in another city, I don't know how to be all of me all the time. I know at some point people have to compartmentalize their lives, don't mix business and pleasure, that kind of thing, so I'm not expecting to ever go to work in a leather vest and a flat brim, but I'm in a battle with myself to try to discover how to be me. Anyone else feeling the struggle? Or am I an odd duck who just needs to chill the fuck out? :)
But I feel that all the time. Moreover, I feel like my personality has sooo many unrealized dimensions. I'm sure that's true of all people, but I don't know how to express all of me, ever. At this point, I have my friends in Vermont who know one piece of me. Mostly the do-gooder, self-motivated, happy go lucky type. Sometimes they see my rage face or my drunken hot mess, but mostly they get sunshine and rainbows. And then there's the sub-genre-my gay life. I have certain friends that I can and can't be my whole lesbo self with. And that's cool. There's times when I can be all rainbows and lesbo and dykes galore, and not feel bad. But even in that genre, I have unexpressed parts of me. On any given day, I'd probably be labeled something along the lines of "soft femme." However, I don't feel that way. On the inside, I feel like I want to portray some kind of hard core punk rocker butch type self. The me that is super confident, super suave, and super butch. God I feel so silly writing this out, but meh, it's real and it's me. The problem arises when my worlds collide though. If my everyday self looks like a damn kindergarten teacher, how do I then translate the other parts of my personality that don't match up? The parts of me that want more tattoos, that want to ride a motorcycle and play rugby and roller derby. The parts of me that haven't rolled over and died and fallen into "my path."
I doubt I'll ever be completely happy or satisfied if I leave all these reserves of me untapped. But aside from creating an alter ego in another city, I don't know how to be all of me all the time. I know at some point people have to compartmentalize their lives, don't mix business and pleasure, that kind of thing, so I'm not expecting to ever go to work in a leather vest and a flat brim, but I'm in a battle with myself to try to discover how to be me. Anyone else feeling the struggle? Or am I an odd duck who just needs to chill the fuck out? :)