coping
My mind works too fast for me to think straight long enough to get my thoughts down. I used to be better at it before, but I'm out of practice with writing so much that it's become a lot more difficult. I should write more often to get back into the swing of it, writing here helps me cope more than just keeping it all to myself.
The minds of individuals work differently from person to person. In terms of coping, it's probably most typical that people distract themselves from unpleasant thoughts or memories with enjoyable activities or other outside stimuli to take their mind off of it. Some people turn inward and use their imagination in an attempt to stimulate the mind differently for an alternate emotional reaction, though sometimes that is more difficult for some people who are addicted to the cycle of negative thinking. In searching for low self-esteem treatment, I've found that the outside distraction method is typically encouraged. It's a good method, provided it doesn't lead to substance abuse; everyone needs a healthy amount of fun time to balance out the stress in their lives.
Personally, I've found I dwell on negative memories more than I like. I can't help it, they're things I can't let go of no matter how much I want to. I've always been a bit of a crybaby, and it doesn't take much time of brooding over certain things for me to get all upset and weepy. In the past 5 years or so, I've become much more emotional from PMS than I'd noticed before. Amy mentioned a medical condition that described extreme negative emotion during PMS, which I cannot remember, but it made me wonder about my general wellbeing in terms of my emotions. I try to vent them regularly, in private. I don't like keeping them bottled up for too long, so I go for a while and have a good cry every now and then. That's been happening more and more often since I started dating. I always thought it was because people were insensitive and I just felt hurtful because of it, but then I imagine that I'm just being too serious all the time. I've ALWAYS been this way, though.
I used to always cope with memories by turning inward first and trying to distract myself using imagination. It usually worked. It helps a lot when I'm on a good roll playing video games, too. Recently, though, I've come to face the negative thoughts & memories head first, and it's tremendously exhausting. I guess I've just grown tired of avoiding them, I've always thought I shouldn't have to avoid them, and that I shouldn't have them in the first place. I always feel like I have more emotionally negative memories than positive ones, and that makes me so damn mad. I've been focusing on them more, analyzing them as much as I can, in an attempt to figure out the best method to cope with them and move past it all. So far, all I've managed to do is create more grief than it's worth, but I haven't given up. It frustrates me because I hate being so emotional when I know it effects other people around me, and I don't want to do that. So I keep at it, hoping I can figure it out, so I can stop hurting inside, so I can stop hurting others.
Sometimes, when I'm having a good cry and remembering those particularly painful things, I end up having a one-sided verbal conversation because I reflexively feel like talking about it, even if it's to myself. If I'm particularly out of control, which doesn't happen too often, thank god, I have a 2 sided verbal conversation. I wondered in the past if it was a serious problem, but considering how rarely it occurs, I don't think it is. I'd rather do that than physically hurt myself, so I just consider it as another coping method. Today's the first day of pain and bleeding this month, and I'm lacking a bit of sleep as I got to bed late and woke up early this morning to let the dogs outside and feed them breakfast since my folks are away on a trip. Sleep deprivation, PMS & brooding over memories guided me into my regular bout of crying. I got to talking to myself about some people that I remembered who hurt me from elementary school, and the conversation jumped around as I remembered different classmates and teachers, and the different memories I had of them.
I always came back to the same person and the same instance when they tricked me. I hadn't realized the deception at the time it happened, and it took several years before I looked back and realized the scope of their plot against me and how daft I was when I unwittingly took the bait. That's how it always happened, and it hurts when I think back on those instances knowing that I was so fucking stupid because I was so honestly trusting- because I just wanted to be friends. But being as daft as I was, I was the prime target of stupid pranks, so it was decided that I wasn't going to have many friends. Of course the people I did consider friends would sometimes take advantage of my stupidity sometimes, since they couldn't help themselves. I once read that school children are the cruelest people you'll ever meet, and I know this to be a universal truth.
My mind briefly wandered away from the unpleasant school memories and I instead remembered a couple nights ago when I was itching to draw but I recognized that it's been a long time since I've felt a real inspiration to make art. I remember when I started losing the inspiration, when I was going to school in LA and when I lost faith in my religion. The religion itself had no direct correlation with my artistic inspiration, but losing faith made me generally depressed, and I usually don't feel like doing much when I'm depressed. I had mostly done fanart up till then, and I guess I just got bored with fanart during the time I was studying animation. I lost motivation and self-confidence, and I struggled with just showing up to class regularly. Grades dropped, graduation was delayed, and I found increasingly less reasons to feel good about myself. At that point, I had no more good feelings associated with drawing.
I remember whenever I did draw in the past, it was always with optimism and the express intent of improving on a specific element, whether it was overall body posture, hands or facial expression. I focused on the latter more than anything else, as I typically drew what I subconsciously considered ideal: most of my drawings had characters with some sort of positive expression. When I was very young, I drew the typical & classic smiling stick figure family on a flat horizon, a little square house with a little square window and a triangle roof, poorly drawn smiling flowers, smiling fluffy clouds, and a smiling sun radiating lines of sunshine. If it could have character, if I could draw a smiling face on it, I did. Because that's what I thought was ideal, and it's what I wanted and what I expected in life. Years later, I find it as more reason to feel bitter. I was so honestly trusting of life, the world, fate... of course I'll someday be married and live in a house with a loving, happy family. Who wouldn't end up that way?
Some years ago, I remember I was thinking about how I always drew characters with positive expressions, and wondered about drawing the opposite. An illustration of a character feeling the worst extreme of negative emotions, something with a face contorted with strain, screaming from sorrow, pain, rage or madness. It's a striking visual idea to me, something I never considered drawing before, but the impact of the shock value drew me in. I then imagined trying to draw something similar, but instead of a general expression of screaming that could be interpreted as any one of the four, I focused on one of undeniable emotional pain, the worst expression of uncontrollable sobbing, complete with reddened skin, puffy eyes and disgusting wetness. The most woeful expression goes hand in hand with the most disgusting mess. From the first time I thought of it, I've wanted to draw it. And then I've wanted to draw a whole series of it, several illustrations of the same thing in varying intensities and compositions. It's something I hadn't really seen before, so it held my interest, but I never attempted it because I lacked confidence in my artistic abilities at that point.
Thinking back to that one instance in school years ago when that one classmate who took advantage of my honesty, I wondered how I might interpret the negative emotions I associated with the memory in a drawing; what would the composition be, the different visual elements involved, etc. I thought about the different important aspects of the trick that was played on me, how I could use them to make an interesting visual. As I thought about trying to create an art piece from the memory, I realized that I didn't hurt from thinking about it. I considered other painful memories, how I might make an illustration based on them, and I still felt no negative emotional response. I was surprised at this, and I remembered my interest in drawing emotionally distraught characters, and then I came to a thought. I no longer find interest in drawing what I used to draw so regularly, but strangely, I do find artistic inspiration from emotional pain, and in doing so, I found a way to move past painful memories that I was previously unable to cope with.
I finally ended my one-sided conversation. "I figured it out," I said. "Oh my god. I figured it out." Then I cried some more. It was a good cry.
To anyone who has read this far, and to those who are willing to spill their soul out to me, I ask this question: What is the worst emotional pain you've experienced, and from what circumstance did it occur? The most personal pains can hold the most important lessons, and I've decided I'd rather learn from them rather than avoid them by way of distraction. Besides, if it can help inspire me to draw again, then it must be something good.
The minds of individuals work differently from person to person. In terms of coping, it's probably most typical that people distract themselves from unpleasant thoughts or memories with enjoyable activities or other outside stimuli to take their mind off of it. Some people turn inward and use their imagination in an attempt to stimulate the mind differently for an alternate emotional reaction, though sometimes that is more difficult for some people who are addicted to the cycle of negative thinking. In searching for low self-esteem treatment, I've found that the outside distraction method is typically encouraged. It's a good method, provided it doesn't lead to substance abuse; everyone needs a healthy amount of fun time to balance out the stress in their lives.
Personally, I've found I dwell on negative memories more than I like. I can't help it, they're things I can't let go of no matter how much I want to. I've always been a bit of a crybaby, and it doesn't take much time of brooding over certain things for me to get all upset and weepy. In the past 5 years or so, I've become much more emotional from PMS than I'd noticed before. Amy mentioned a medical condition that described extreme negative emotion during PMS, which I cannot remember, but it made me wonder about my general wellbeing in terms of my emotions. I try to vent them regularly, in private. I don't like keeping them bottled up for too long, so I go for a while and have a good cry every now and then. That's been happening more and more often since I started dating. I always thought it was because people were insensitive and I just felt hurtful because of it, but then I imagine that I'm just being too serious all the time. I've ALWAYS been this way, though.
I used to always cope with memories by turning inward first and trying to distract myself using imagination. It usually worked. It helps a lot when I'm on a good roll playing video games, too. Recently, though, I've come to face the negative thoughts & memories head first, and it's tremendously exhausting. I guess I've just grown tired of avoiding them, I've always thought I shouldn't have to avoid them, and that I shouldn't have them in the first place. I always feel like I have more emotionally negative memories than positive ones, and that makes me so damn mad. I've been focusing on them more, analyzing them as much as I can, in an attempt to figure out the best method to cope with them and move past it all. So far, all I've managed to do is create more grief than it's worth, but I haven't given up. It frustrates me because I hate being so emotional when I know it effects other people around me, and I don't want to do that. So I keep at it, hoping I can figure it out, so I can stop hurting inside, so I can stop hurting others.
Sometimes, when I'm having a good cry and remembering those particularly painful things, I end up having a one-sided verbal conversation because I reflexively feel like talking about it, even if it's to myself. If I'm particularly out of control, which doesn't happen too often, thank god, I have a 2 sided verbal conversation. I wondered in the past if it was a serious problem, but considering how rarely it occurs, I don't think it is. I'd rather do that than physically hurt myself, so I just consider it as another coping method. Today's the first day of pain and bleeding this month, and I'm lacking a bit of sleep as I got to bed late and woke up early this morning to let the dogs outside and feed them breakfast since my folks are away on a trip. Sleep deprivation, PMS & brooding over memories guided me into my regular bout of crying. I got to talking to myself about some people that I remembered who hurt me from elementary school, and the conversation jumped around as I remembered different classmates and teachers, and the different memories I had of them.
I always came back to the same person and the same instance when they tricked me. I hadn't realized the deception at the time it happened, and it took several years before I looked back and realized the scope of their plot against me and how daft I was when I unwittingly took the bait. That's how it always happened, and it hurts when I think back on those instances knowing that I was so fucking stupid because I was so honestly trusting- because I just wanted to be friends. But being as daft as I was, I was the prime target of stupid pranks, so it was decided that I wasn't going to have many friends. Of course the people I did consider friends would sometimes take advantage of my stupidity sometimes, since they couldn't help themselves. I once read that school children are the cruelest people you'll ever meet, and I know this to be a universal truth.
My mind briefly wandered away from the unpleasant school memories and I instead remembered a couple nights ago when I was itching to draw but I recognized that it's been a long time since I've felt a real inspiration to make art. I remember when I started losing the inspiration, when I was going to school in LA and when I lost faith in my religion. The religion itself had no direct correlation with my artistic inspiration, but losing faith made me generally depressed, and I usually don't feel like doing much when I'm depressed. I had mostly done fanart up till then, and I guess I just got bored with fanart during the time I was studying animation. I lost motivation and self-confidence, and I struggled with just showing up to class regularly. Grades dropped, graduation was delayed, and I found increasingly less reasons to feel good about myself. At that point, I had no more good feelings associated with drawing.
I remember whenever I did draw in the past, it was always with optimism and the express intent of improving on a specific element, whether it was overall body posture, hands or facial expression. I focused on the latter more than anything else, as I typically drew what I subconsciously considered ideal: most of my drawings had characters with some sort of positive expression. When I was very young, I drew the typical & classic smiling stick figure family on a flat horizon, a little square house with a little square window and a triangle roof, poorly drawn smiling flowers, smiling fluffy clouds, and a smiling sun radiating lines of sunshine. If it could have character, if I could draw a smiling face on it, I did. Because that's what I thought was ideal, and it's what I wanted and what I expected in life. Years later, I find it as more reason to feel bitter. I was so honestly trusting of life, the world, fate... of course I'll someday be married and live in a house with a loving, happy family. Who wouldn't end up that way?
Some years ago, I remember I was thinking about how I always drew characters with positive expressions, and wondered about drawing the opposite. An illustration of a character feeling the worst extreme of negative emotions, something with a face contorted with strain, screaming from sorrow, pain, rage or madness. It's a striking visual idea to me, something I never considered drawing before, but the impact of the shock value drew me in. I then imagined trying to draw something similar, but instead of a general expression of screaming that could be interpreted as any one of the four, I focused on one of undeniable emotional pain, the worst expression of uncontrollable sobbing, complete with reddened skin, puffy eyes and disgusting wetness. The most woeful expression goes hand in hand with the most disgusting mess. From the first time I thought of it, I've wanted to draw it. And then I've wanted to draw a whole series of it, several illustrations of the same thing in varying intensities and compositions. It's something I hadn't really seen before, so it held my interest, but I never attempted it because I lacked confidence in my artistic abilities at that point.
Thinking back to that one instance in school years ago when that one classmate who took advantage of my honesty, I wondered how I might interpret the negative emotions I associated with the memory in a drawing; what would the composition be, the different visual elements involved, etc. I thought about the different important aspects of the trick that was played on me, how I could use them to make an interesting visual. As I thought about trying to create an art piece from the memory, I realized that I didn't hurt from thinking about it. I considered other painful memories, how I might make an illustration based on them, and I still felt no negative emotional response. I was surprised at this, and I remembered my interest in drawing emotionally distraught characters, and then I came to a thought. I no longer find interest in drawing what I used to draw so regularly, but strangely, I do find artistic inspiration from emotional pain, and in doing so, I found a way to move past painful memories that I was previously unable to cope with.
I finally ended my one-sided conversation. "I figured it out," I said. "Oh my god. I figured it out." Then I cried some more. It was a good cry.
To anyone who has read this far, and to those who are willing to spill their soul out to me, I ask this question: What is the worst emotional pain you've experienced, and from what circumstance did it occur? The most personal pains can hold the most important lessons, and I've decided I'd rather learn from them rather than avoid them by way of distraction. Besides, if it can help inspire me to draw again, then it must be something good.