(no subject)
I lost this thing in my room and then the boxes I'd packed when I was thinking about finding a flat and moving out a few months ago.
I still haven't moved. I don't know where I'd go. This isn't my house anymore, it's Derek and Lizzie's, it's where Wayne's going to grow up. This isn't my house anymore. I'm not a child anymore. My parents are gone and no matter how long I stay here they aren't coming back.
I still can't go. I looked at flats, by myself. It's stupid, because Derek could find me one, he could find me the perfect one, but the second I say it out loud he'll do it and it'll happen and I don't know if I'm ready yet.
I should go but it feels like I'm_
This doesn't feel like home but none of the flats do, either. I just don't know what to do. I want to feel like I belong somewhere, and I don't.
I'm having nightmares again. Someone breaking my fingers one by one and laughing. Taunting. And it hurts so much but mostly because in the dream I know that I deserve it, that I did something to earn it.
I'll talk to Derek tomorrow. Tonight. Whenever I won't get underfoot. I might as well do it. It's better than waiting and feeling like this.
I read back in my journal and I don't know how I managed to pretend or be or whatever but I sound so happy. Things were better at Hogwarts, maybe.
Heather gets married in a couple of months. To him. Maybe it's what she wants, maybe she loves him but it doesn't feel right. It never has.
Yeah, things were better at Hogwarts.