Welcome to the complication that is me.
Frickin... Something.
I don't know. I know I really should be sleeping right now, but I can't. I've tried. I almost did, and then my kitten woke me up. Grr...
You know, I haven't said much of anything tonight, and that's really weird. I usually talk the most when I'm around the most familiar people- my family and closest friends... but alas, nothing.
I think I feel lonely. And that sucks. I mean, I know I have so many people I could talk to and go see (well, maybe not go see) and whatnot, but I just feel so alone lately. I don't know if it's because of the recent... um, situation, or if it's just the preverbial "seasonal depression," or what, but it's getting to me and I hate it. It's kinda like, I want the comittment, but at the same time the very thought of it scares me to death. I like having someone there, but not like, all-the-time. You know? Maybe you don't, since I don't think I really make that much sense... even to myself, sometimes. But, that's just the way I am.
It's almost like on some level, I don't think I want to sacrifice the independence that I have in order to be able to share my life with someone else... Maybe I'm just not ready for that level of comittment yet. Who knows? But at the same time, somewhere in the back of my head, I know I want it... just not always.
That last thought- the "just not always" thing- tells me a lot. I'm obviously still growing as a person. (Do we ever really stop? I think not, but that's another thought for another day.) I can't quite understand how someone so young (for as old as I feel) can even come to contemplate this crap. As my mom says, I'm an "old soul in a 16 year-old body." I think she's right. I don't know why, and at this point in time I'm not entirely sure that I care. I just know that when the right person comes along and walks into my life, I'll just know.
You know, yesterday I was talking about how I can "just know" that someone isn't the right person for me in the same way that Tia and Neil can know that they're the right people for each other. I think that's logical. I mean, if you can tell in an instant that someone is your penguin (if you've seen Never Been Kissed, you'll get the analogy) or your lobster (Phoebe, from Friends), then you should be able to tell in the same way when someone isn't your soulmate.
Personally, I guess I'm just having trouble with the whole concept of "soulmate" lately. I mean, I've been doing a lot of thinking (duh) and here's what I've found:
I have realized that nobody can ever truly know who they are. That being said, how can one ever find the exact person that will, in a sense, "complete" them? I mean, how can that be possible if we are everchanging? The only solution I can find to this question is that you must find the one other person in the world that changes at the exact same rate as you do. No wonder the search is supposed to be hard- and I guess once you find that person you just know. And, by the same token, you can automatically know that a person *isn't* your soulmate.
This brings me to the next question: do you think it's possible to ever truly "know thyself?" I've been thinking not, lately. If you're always changing, how do you ever really know who (or what) you are at any given moment in time? I mean, you think you know, but you are only what you think... this gives new meaning to "I think, therefore I am." Since I think, I exist. If I cease to think, my existence ceases. Logically, that makes perfect sense... to me. And a few other people, apparently. But everyone I try explaining that to just writes it of as crap, or says "You think too much, Steff." Of course I think too much- I think, therefore I am.
I don't know. I know I really should be sleeping right now, but I can't. I've tried. I almost did, and then my kitten woke me up. Grr...
You know, I haven't said much of anything tonight, and that's really weird. I usually talk the most when I'm around the most familiar people- my family and closest friends... but alas, nothing.
I think I feel lonely. And that sucks. I mean, I know I have so many people I could talk to and go see (well, maybe not go see) and whatnot, but I just feel so alone lately. I don't know if it's because of the recent... um, situation, or if it's just the preverbial "seasonal depression," or what, but it's getting to me and I hate it. It's kinda like, I want the comittment, but at the same time the very thought of it scares me to death. I like having someone there, but not like, all-the-time. You know? Maybe you don't, since I don't think I really make that much sense... even to myself, sometimes. But, that's just the way I am.
It's almost like on some level, I don't think I want to sacrifice the independence that I have in order to be able to share my life with someone else... Maybe I'm just not ready for that level of comittment yet. Who knows? But at the same time, somewhere in the back of my head, I know I want it... just not always.
That last thought- the "just not always" thing- tells me a lot. I'm obviously still growing as a person. (Do we ever really stop? I think not, but that's another thought for another day.) I can't quite understand how someone so young (for as old as I feel) can even come to contemplate this crap. As my mom says, I'm an "old soul in a 16 year-old body." I think she's right. I don't know why, and at this point in time I'm not entirely sure that I care. I just know that when the right person comes along and walks into my life, I'll just know.
You know, yesterday I was talking about how I can "just know" that someone isn't the right person for me in the same way that Tia and Neil can know that they're the right people for each other. I think that's logical. I mean, if you can tell in an instant that someone is your penguin (if you've seen Never Been Kissed, you'll get the analogy) or your lobster (Phoebe, from Friends), then you should be able to tell in the same way when someone isn't your soulmate.
Personally, I guess I'm just having trouble with the whole concept of "soulmate" lately. I mean, I've been doing a lot of thinking (duh) and here's what I've found:
I have realized that nobody can ever truly know who they are. That being said, how can one ever find the exact person that will, in a sense, "complete" them? I mean, how can that be possible if we are everchanging? The only solution I can find to this question is that you must find the one other person in the world that changes at the exact same rate as you do. No wonder the search is supposed to be hard- and I guess once you find that person you just know. And, by the same token, you can automatically know that a person *isn't* your soulmate.
This brings me to the next question: do you think it's possible to ever truly "know thyself?" I've been thinking not, lately. If you're always changing, how do you ever really know who (or what) you are at any given moment in time? I mean, you think you know, but you are only what you think... this gives new meaning to "I think, therefore I am." Since I think, I exist. If I cease to think, my existence ceases. Logically, that makes perfect sense... to me. And a few other people, apparently. But everyone I try explaining that to just writes it of as crap, or says "You think too much, Steff." Of course I think too much- I think, therefore I am.