i owe it to the hormones
i have been crying every single day for the past two days. haha. well maybe it hasn't been a while, or maybe i've just noticed the past couple of the days, but i feel like i've been crying a lot more in the past couple months, or at least couple of weeks. sometimes for a specific pinpointed reason, sometimes i just feel upset at a multitude of things all at once, and sometimes i get upset because i feel like i'm not doing ENOUGH, or that I am not ENOUGH. i think of all the suffering in the world, and the fact that i might not being doing my part, to my fullest capacity. i could literally be doing stuff ALL THE TIME, never giving myself a break, be campaigning for someone, blogging about something, trying to network with others more, or donating a huge portion of my paychecks to some organization(s). and instead of trying to go that extra mile, i cry. it seems easier. feels shittier though.
but i honestly don't see myself being a workaholic. i have a strong sense of justice which i will defend mostly by words, but sometimes not. sometimes i just see myself as an outsider, viewing every bit of motion and feeling still. or maybe i just feel like there's so much weight on me, or that i'm way too intense. i think too much, to the point where i can't just live simply and happily, like a child. then again i don't want to all the time either. because that would make me feel as though i'm not doing nearly enough. so the guilt continues...
i think i am probably digging myself an early grave, or at least putting myself ahead of the line for gray hairs. i have long thick dark chocolate hair that i don't want to cut ever, so i can be like a mermaid and be like a mystic goddess that mesmerizes men and women. and i also want to be an official, a leader. i think i'm too much like dennis kucinich in ways. we're on a different plane but yet our strong sense of right and wrong tells us that we need to conquer all the bullshit of the earthly city.
i know there are others like me, who feel constrained sometimes by what you feel is necessary and by what you feel is natural. or maybe it's more appropriate to say it's a struggle to fight for what is natural. certainly someone has written an essay or blog post on this very same topic. haha.
but i honestly don't see myself being a workaholic. i have a strong sense of justice which i will defend mostly by words, but sometimes not. sometimes i just see myself as an outsider, viewing every bit of motion and feeling still. or maybe i just feel like there's so much weight on me, or that i'm way too intense. i think too much, to the point where i can't just live simply and happily, like a child. then again i don't want to all the time either. because that would make me feel as though i'm not doing nearly enough. so the guilt continues...
i think i am probably digging myself an early grave, or at least putting myself ahead of the line for gray hairs. i have long thick dark chocolate hair that i don't want to cut ever, so i can be like a mermaid and be like a mystic goddess that mesmerizes men and women. and i also want to be an official, a leader. i think i'm too much like dennis kucinich in ways. we're on a different plane but yet our strong sense of right and wrong tells us that we need to conquer all the bullshit of the earthly city.
i know there are others like me, who feel constrained sometimes by what you feel is necessary and by what you feel is natural. or maybe it's more appropriate to say it's a struggle to fight for what is natural. certainly someone has written an essay or blog post on this very same topic. haha.