(no subject)
Hi Mom,
Its 1:41 here and i cannot sleep. My mind is a little overconsumed with thoughts. Arg.
I was trying to figure out what to do with them all, and decided to send you an email.
I am sorry that I am still cycling and going though this path. I don't like going through this and I feel bad for dragging everyone else through it as well. I do get a small sense of relief knowing that hopefully being slightly removed from Vancouver pulls some of the anorexia/bulimia controlling our family away, and allows for everyone there to move on somewhat.
Basically i am cycling so much right now. I don't even know where to begin analizing it. It just doesn't make any sense. How i can go from being happy and secure, to switching into binge mode. And it is stupid, because it isn't even as though i am even slightly unhappy. I now have friends here, who i hang out with and procrastinate studying with, and go to meals with and talka about boys with. I am finally finding a place where i feel pretty good. Also this morning at lunch (which i did by myself and successfully) i felt pretty awsome, and like i could manage the day. But by this afternoon i had crashed, and spent most of a frustrating math class feeling like an idiot, and by the time i walked out i was cycling in my head. And i didn't have the control to battle it. and that really bothers me. i think what makes me the most angry is that i went from someone who could starve themselves, so someone who cannot stop themselves from stuffing themselves even though they are not remotly hungry. i hate this whole binge/purge thing. its so uncontrolled. and its not that i want control. but its gross and i hate it.
which is why i have upped my councilling to two times a week. for the time being i feel that it might be best if i was recieving more support. i am also looking into getting a doctor here, because my councillor feels that its important if i am purging to have my electrolytes checked.
but see i don't want to be doing this. arg. and i think that for the most part one of the reasons i am not doing better is i have not yet accepted that i am doing this again. its so frustrating. i want to scream. i feel so trapped.
on the bright side i had a good talk with steph today. its amazing how she can identify with me. she said that she totally understands how it is to be completely fine, and then 20 seconds later be like "i need to go and eat 19 muffins, and then throw them up" and you have no idea where the thought came from, but it won't go away.
anyways. i don't actually think i will send this to you.
i think instead i will post it on livejournal.