boxomburgh and bambalonia, said captain caruthers!
i was out for a jaunt across my courtyard, when i made the most sporadic of decisions! i determined that a visit to the shoreline was in order! oh, how long it had been since i had last visited the shoreline! i recall my father and i taking trips to the coast of bloxomburgh when i was but a young lad.
so immediately thereafter i had my driver wilhelm take hughbert and i to the shoreline. and what a fabulous day it was on the sands! the only misfortune of this trip was that i had to view the shorline from the backseat of my rolls. you see dear readers, my milky white skin is so senstive to the sun that a few minutes outdoors could result in me bursting into flames! and how dreadful that would be!
as hughbert and i took in the beauty that is the endless sea, we spotted a cargo ship on its way to port. i wondered to myself, where might this vessel be headed?
"wilhelm, you dreary bastard," i exclaimed from the backseat of my rolls, "take hughbert and i out to that cargo ship! i wish to speak to the captain!"
at this point wilhelm turned in his driver's seat and gave me the most dastardly of looks! "sir, i cannot take you to the cargo ship, it's in the ocean and we are in a car..."
i shanked wilhelm for his insolence and demanded once more that he take hughbert and i to the cargo ship. and so wilhelm swam from the shoreline to the cargo ship while hughbert and i rode on his back.
upon boarding the ship, i demanded of the seamen to let me speak to the captain. the captain was a muskrat by the name of mercer.
"g'day to you captain," i exclaimed upon meeting the man.
"who in bloody hell are you?" the seagoing muskrat questioned of me.
"I am just a curious gent wondering where your vessel is headed?"
The muskrat scratched his fuzzy chin and pointed to a map that lie stationed on a nearby table. "japan," he said.
i queried of him the duration of this trip. and imagine my surprise when i learned that this simple trip would last weeks! apparently, the vessel was forced to sail betwixt the americas and the poor nations that lie underneath, whereas a simple trip through the americas would cut this duration in half!
it was at this point in our conversation that i had the most brilliant of ideas! after wilhelm swam us back to shore, i informed hughbert of my plan;
"THE AMERICAN CANAL!" i exclaimed exuberantly. hughbert thought it was a delicious idea! we would build a canal that would allow ships to sail through the united states, as opposed to going around it. that night we drew up the blueprints for this most magnificent of waterways! the cost was estimated to be somewhere in the upper zillions, but it was of no concern to i, since i have a unlimited fortune.
hughbert and i spent the next few weeks rounding up millions of workers from the poor nations, for these men work for very little! we commenced digging in late november, which turned out to be quite the mistake! apparently it is extremely hard for men to work in subzero temperatures! in those first few weeks we lost over six million men! but alas i demanded that construction continue!
i supervised the construction of the american canal, wearing my safari gear so as to not explode in the sunlight! we were forced to destroy several major cities that got in the way of our canal, and i watched as people cried because their homes were being torn down in the name of easy sailing! i tried to console these families by informing them of the shorter trips cargo ships would now have.
by late january our workforce had been whittled down to ten men, who had grown quite thin from malnourishment. as we began to plow through colorado, i grew tired and bored of the whole process. it had been a silly idea anyways.
hughbert and i went back to the estate and had pancakes.
so immediately thereafter i had my driver wilhelm take hughbert and i to the shoreline. and what a fabulous day it was on the sands! the only misfortune of this trip was that i had to view the shorline from the backseat of my rolls. you see dear readers, my milky white skin is so senstive to the sun that a few minutes outdoors could result in me bursting into flames! and how dreadful that would be!
as hughbert and i took in the beauty that is the endless sea, we spotted a cargo ship on its way to port. i wondered to myself, where might this vessel be headed?
"wilhelm, you dreary bastard," i exclaimed from the backseat of my rolls, "take hughbert and i out to that cargo ship! i wish to speak to the captain!"
at this point wilhelm turned in his driver's seat and gave me the most dastardly of looks! "sir, i cannot take you to the cargo ship, it's in the ocean and we are in a car..."
i shanked wilhelm for his insolence and demanded once more that he take hughbert and i to the cargo ship. and so wilhelm swam from the shoreline to the cargo ship while hughbert and i rode on his back.
upon boarding the ship, i demanded of the seamen to let me speak to the captain. the captain was a muskrat by the name of mercer.
"g'day to you captain," i exclaimed upon meeting the man.
"who in bloody hell are you?" the seagoing muskrat questioned of me.
"I am just a curious gent wondering where your vessel is headed?"
The muskrat scratched his fuzzy chin and pointed to a map that lie stationed on a nearby table. "japan," he said.
i queried of him the duration of this trip. and imagine my surprise when i learned that this simple trip would last weeks! apparently, the vessel was forced to sail betwixt the americas and the poor nations that lie underneath, whereas a simple trip through the americas would cut this duration in half!
it was at this point in our conversation that i had the most brilliant of ideas! after wilhelm swam us back to shore, i informed hughbert of my plan;
"THE AMERICAN CANAL!" i exclaimed exuberantly. hughbert thought it was a delicious idea! we would build a canal that would allow ships to sail through the united states, as opposed to going around it. that night we drew up the blueprints for this most magnificent of waterways! the cost was estimated to be somewhere in the upper zillions, but it was of no concern to i, since i have a unlimited fortune.
hughbert and i spent the next few weeks rounding up millions of workers from the poor nations, for these men work for very little! we commenced digging in late november, which turned out to be quite the mistake! apparently it is extremely hard for men to work in subzero temperatures! in those first few weeks we lost over six million men! but alas i demanded that construction continue!
i supervised the construction of the american canal, wearing my safari gear so as to not explode in the sunlight! we were forced to destroy several major cities that got in the way of our canal, and i watched as people cried because their homes were being torn down in the name of easy sailing! i tried to console these families by informing them of the shorter trips cargo ships would now have.
by late january our workforce had been whittled down to ten men, who had grown quite thin from malnourishment. as we began to plow through colorado, i grew tired and bored of the whole process. it had been a silly idea anyways.
hughbert and i went back to the estate and had pancakes.