Pittance.
I don't want to watch this. I don't want to see it, I don't want to feel it. I want to fast forward to where all the pieces are in their places and it doesn't hurt anymore. This whole ordeal is so slow and terrifying and lonely. The worst part of all is being so powerless. I wish I was made of something stronger or smarter or... more.
Growing up, it never even crossed my mind that you might not be there to walk me down the aisle on my wedding day. Now it seems not only possible, but probable.
I hate how sad you are. All the time. Sometimes we get so mad at each other. We say the most awful things. But I love you more than anyone else. I hope you know that. I think you know that.
As a writer, I'm so frustrated by not having any eloquence in this. I'm stunted and only capable of saying the most basic of statements. Anything else feels flowery or false.
Sometimes I fool myself into thinking it's not happening. It's a strange kind of sickness. It all just gets pushed from my mind and I go through the day, worrying about my little problems and dramas and my own happiness. I know it's wrong, but it's a means of function.
Please don't judge me for that.
I care. I'm trying to be good. Any mistakes I've made or hurts I've caused you were only ever out of negligence or naivete. Never malice. I promise you that. I hate thinking that I've been a disappointment. I know you love me. I wish this wasn't so hard.
I can't say a lot of what I'm thinking right now. It's too dark. I don't want to verbalize it. I wish I wasn't so scared.
Growing up, it never even crossed my mind that you might not be there to walk me down the aisle on my wedding day. Now it seems not only possible, but probable.
I hate how sad you are. All the time. Sometimes we get so mad at each other. We say the most awful things. But I love you more than anyone else. I hope you know that. I think you know that.
As a writer, I'm so frustrated by not having any eloquence in this. I'm stunted and only capable of saying the most basic of statements. Anything else feels flowery or false.
Sometimes I fool myself into thinking it's not happening. It's a strange kind of sickness. It all just gets pushed from my mind and I go through the day, worrying about my little problems and dramas and my own happiness. I know it's wrong, but it's a means of function.
Please don't judge me for that.
I care. I'm trying to be good. Any mistakes I've made or hurts I've caused you were only ever out of negligence or naivete. Never malice. I promise you that. I hate thinking that I've been a disappointment. I know you love me. I wish this wasn't so hard.
I can't say a lot of what I'm thinking right now. It's too dark. I don't want to verbalize it. I wish I wasn't so scared.