Fade Into The Background First Flashback and Chapter 6
Banner by naomi0211 ♥
Title: Fade into the Background //You can't lose what you never had//
Pairing: Akanishi Jin X Kamenashi Kazuya (Akame to make it short XD) //KAT-TUN//
Genre: Romance, some Angst, lots of Fluff
Warnings: None. It's all safe.
Disclamer: Do not own them. If anybody I'd like to own Ueda. But well... one can't have everything, right?
Summary: Kazuya is getting married and while watching him from the background Jin suddenly remembers their story. His thoughts are going back in time and he starts to regret and realize....
A/N: First of all: English isn't my mother tongue, but I tried my best and since I'm living in the UK at the moment I'm pretty much used to write and speak it. But you're welcome to correct mistakes.
OKAY! I'M VERY, VERY SORRY for the delay. Settling in England again and getting everything back to normal took me quite a while. I'm very sorry.
To make up, this is a double upload.
It's te first Flashback to Kame's wedding and then continuing with the Sixth Memory of them. They are getting closer, finally~
Hope you'll like it ^^
Previous Chapters:
Prologue
First Memory: A Winter Illusion
Second Memory: All I want for Christmas
Third Memory: Broken Promise
Fourth Memory: Losing Faith
Fifth Memory: Confessions
First Flashback: Still on my Mind
Ran-chan was brought into the church on a big white pillow. She got the seat next to Ueda, because he was the one who could handle the dog best.
Beside me, Jin thought, because he had spent so much time in his life with that dog like no one else of them.
They were all seated at Kazuya’s side of course, right behind his family. Though Jin had been supposed to sit there as well, he had taken a seat in the back. Just in case he wanted to leave earlier; he wanted to do that without the others noticing it.
But so far he didn’t plan to leave. He would remain sitting here and watch that farce until the end.
In his white suit Kazuya entered the church from a small room in the back and Jin could see him smile at the other four. He wondered if the brunette even noticed Jin hadn’t joined them.
Also, looking at that smile Jin wondered if this really was what Kazuya wanted.
It’s been a while since he was able to read in the younger ones face; since he’d been able to tell his feelings from just looking into those brown eyes.
Jin couldn’t tell when, but at some point he and Kazuya had stopped to even show any interest in the other one’s feelings.
Or had only Jin stopped?
He lowered his gaze and once again thought of those days when everything had been fine. When they had been best friends and spent as much time together as possible.
Probably everything had come like this because Jin had realised that Kazuya had been more than just a friend to him.
Now that those memories had come back it hurt even more to see Kazuya getting married. It somehow seemed just so wrong in Jin’s eyes. He couldn’t believe it was true; that this was reality and he had to face it without giving any resistance that Kazuya was going to marry that woman.
That woman who had dumped him at their first date. Instead of with her Kazuya had spent his Christmas Eve with Jin in a Coffee Shop.
The one in the black suit couldn’t help but laugh a little over that.
He wished he had the courage to stand up, walk over and take Kazuya aside to tell him that he made a big mistake.
Didn’t the brunette remember as well? Weren’t those times still on his mind? Didn’t they warm his heart, just as they warmed Jin’s heart?
Jin’s gaze found Kazuya again and he watched him fidgeting nervously with his gloves.
Didn’t he feel anything for Jin anymore?
Jin couldn’t help, but glare. It really made him angry that it was that easy for Kazuya to get married; without spending a single thought at what had been. What they had shared and what had been between them.
But on the other hand it was all over. How long had it been since they last had talked to each other? For how long had they been avoiding each other now?
Was there anything Jin could expect from Kazuya? After all it was still his fault that they had lost contact. He had made Kazuya walk away from him. It was all his fault that the brunette had stopped caring for him, Jin.
The heavy sound of the bells started and Jin’s heart stopped for a moment. It was too late now. He had realized his mistakes way too late, because now he was here at Kazuya’s wedding and he couldn’t do anything about it than to watch it; to keep silent while Kazuya got married.
Everyone turned around as the music started and the big, wooden doors opened for the bride.
Jin remained in his seat; he didn’t move a bit, his gaze still indifferent. He looked at Kazuya and wondered what it was that went through the other one’s mind right now.
Was he happy? Excited even?
It wasn’t that difficult to get Kazuya excited, so he supposed the brunette really was right now. Jin just wasn’t sure whether it was a happy excitement.
Kazuya turned around as the bride entered and instead of looking at her, his eyes found Jin’s.
For a moment they just looked into each other’s eyes and in that moment Jin found all the answers he had wanted.
Again, he had been wrong; again, he had thought Kazuya had forgotten everything, but his gaze told him that he remembered perfectly.
Did he regret it as well? Did he want to go back to those times as well to erase all those mistakes they had made?
Jin wondered if Kazuya noticed the regret in his eyes, whether he saw that Jin still felt for him; still couldn’t let go of him.
But as the bride passed him Kazuya’s attention was caught by her and their eye contact broke apart.
The beautiful woman--- that woman that hadn’t cared for Kazuya at all first--- was now walking towards him to become his wife.
Jin didn’t understand that at all. It didn’t make sense to him.
But there was nothing he could do; nothing else than to remain there in the background and watch Kazuya silently.
Sixth Memory: Missing
“USA?”
“Isn’t that great?” Jin stretched himself beside Koki who was staring at him with big eyes.
“Are you serious?”
The brunette nodded. He had cut his hair a little shorter and had dyed it in a lighter brown than before. “Yes, I just heard them talking about that. It would be just so cool.”
Koki put his drink a little aside to take care of their Okonomiyaki. Kame and Nakamaru weren’t here yet. But since they all had a day off he supposed they had just slept a little longer.
“So, you’ve been to work today?” he asked Jin.
“Not really. I just had to talk to the managers, but I totally forgot when I heard what they were talking about with Johnny.”
Koki threw him a look. “What did you want to talk about to the managers?”
Jin leaned back, his glass in his left hand. “That’s the coincidence of it all. I actually wanted to ask whether it was possible for me to…” He stopped as he saw Kazuya entering the room.
“What?” The older one asked and as Jin didn’t continue his sentence he turned around and waved the other two over. “There you are. We’ve been waiting!”
Nakamaru sat down first. “Gomen, gomen.”
“It’s okay.” Koki just said and started to prepare for a second Okonomiyaki. Then he looked at Jin again. “So, you were asking what?”
“Oh.” Jin shook his head. “Doesn’t matter.”
Kazuya looked at them a little confused. “What is it about?”
“USA.” Koki answered.
“USA?” Immediately the youngest one looked at Jin again. “Did you finally dare asking Johnny for permission?”
Jin shook his head and grinned. “I actually went there to do so today. But I heard them talking about letting us have a shooting in the USA. For a photobook.”
“Eeeh?” Nakamaru leaned in closer. “Really? We’re all going to go to the USA?”
Jin nodded. “It sounded like that!”
Koki was still busy with preparing the Okonomiyaki for them, but he looked up, noticing Kazuya’s look. “You don’t seem too happy.”
The brunette blushed a bit and shook his head. “No, that’s not it. I’m just surprised.”
Jin was extremely excited and everyone else noticed he was pretty much different from his usual self. It was a rare sight to see him in such a good mood. He usually avoided showing too many emotions, at least his childish ones. “I’m so happy!” He couldn’t sit still at all. “We’re really going to America. I’ve always wanted to!”
Kazuya smiled at him, happy to see his best friend like that. He knew Jin loved America; he’d always wanted to go there and see everything with his own eyes. To know Jin was that happy made Kazuya’s heart feel warm and he wondered if it was just because Jin was his best friend or if that warmth had another origin.
“It would be really cool.” Nakamaru agreed as he helped Koki to cut their Okonomiyaki. Automatically he gripped the bottle of mayonnaise to sprawl it over the food, but Jin made a protesting noise.
Nakamaru looked up and frowned. “You always eat them with mayonnaise.”
“Kame doesn’t like it.” Jin just said and looked at the younger one who was staring at him in surprise.
“Oh, really?” The older one set the bottle aside again and then gave Kazuya a piece of the Okonomiyaki first. “I didn’t know that.”
“We haven’t been out to eat for a while, huh?” The brunette smiled.
“Indeed.” Koki gave a piece to Jin and then took an own one. “Let’s eat. I’m starving!”
“Honestly” Koki said as Jin and he walked home later. Kazuya and Nakamaru had taken the other direction.
Jin looked at him with asking eyes.
“You should stop to just observe and finally do something.”
Frowning Jin hid his hands in his pockets. “What do you mean?”
“You know, I’ve been thinking about that for a while now.” The younger one titled his head, searching for the right words. “You knew he didn’t like Mayonnaise.”
“Of course.”
“I didn’’t. Neither did Maru.”
“Kame and I, we spend a lot of time together” was all Jin answered.
“That’s probably the point.”
The brunette frowned. “Koki, what are you talking about?”
“You and Kame.” He nodded and went ahead. “You two are close and it seems you know everything about each other.”
“Is that a bad thing?”
“No, that’s not it.” Turning to Jin, Koki gave him a smile. “I think one of you should finally confess.”
Jin’s jaw dropped as he stared at Koki. “Confess what?”
“There’s more between the two of you. And I think you are the one who realized that already.”
Jin got his self-control back and gave Koki a cold look. “That’s none of your business.”
“I was just saying what I was thinking.”
“I don’t want you to…”
“I just mean to help you, Jin.” Koki interrupted Jin, turning back again to move on.
Jin stood for a while watching him, before he followed.
They didn’t speak any more; they just walked home side by side.
Jin was wearing his mask again; a mask that was hiding his true thoughts and feelings. His gaze was cold and indifferent, but inside his head the thoughts were just circling around like crazy.
How did Koki find out? He had just realized himself that Kazuya meant more to him than just a friend.
So how came that Koki knew it? And how long did he know already?
Had he probably been talking to Kazuya about it? But Kazuya was always talking to him, Jin, whenever he had something he couldn’t handle alone. But if it was about him….
His thoughts went further and further and Jin almost forgot that Koki was still beside him, giving him a glance from while to while.
As they reached a cross where their paths would part, Koki stopped and waited for Jin to turn to him.
“I was serious about that before.”
Jin didn’t say anything, he just made an annoyed noise.
“You’re observing Kame. You know everything about him.” Koki just went on and looked around, suddenly a little bit nervous. “You’re using every minute to have him around.”
Jin glared at him. He knew all that; he had realized that himself. Yes, he had a crush on Kazuya and behaved like a love fool. He couldn’t help it and he didn’t need Koki to remind him of how pathetic he was.
But before he could say something, Koki lifted his head again and looked at him with determined eyes. “I know all that, Jin. Because I’m observing as well. I always look at him as well.”
Jin’s glare changed into a surprised look. Speechless, because he didn’t know how to understand what Koki had just said, he opened his mouth a bit.
“You’d better confess to him, Jin.” Koki turned around, raising his hand for a farewell. “Otherwise I’ll take my chance before you take yours.”
With that he went off and left a completely confused Jin behind.
It was still on Jin’s mind when he went into the plane just a few weeks later.
Nothing had happened. It’s been already three weeks since that conversation with Koki and the other one just pretended it had never happen.
He threw the blonde boy a look and wondered what he was planning. If Koki had confessed to Kazuya by now Jin would have noticed it.
If not Kazuya had even told him.
“Kame, Kame! Come here and sit down, you have to see this!”
Kazuya laughed a bit and went over to Junno, sitting down beside him and looking at the map of New York the other one held in his hands.
“Woooah!” He made a surprised noise as Junno started to tell him what he had planned to do.
Jin didn’t pay much more attention to them and tried not to let anyone notice how upset he was.
He felt like a five-year-old because in his head he was getting mad at Junno for making Kazuya sit down next to him. He had wanted to sit next to Kazuya.
Instead he sat down a row behind them, next to Ueda. The older one was relaxing in his seat, listening to music and looking out of the window.
Jin noticed how much more obvious Nakamaru it made that he thought like a five-year-old, as he threw Jin a mad glance, but just sat down next to Koki behind him then. Jin pretended he hadn’t noticed and leaned back, closing his eyes.
Hew sank into a brief sleep, dreaming something weird; influenced of the sounds around him.
Kazuya’s voice was echoing in his head. The brunette was talking to him… or did he talk to someone else? Who did Kazuya pay attention to? And what was he talking about?
“… sleep!”
Jin frowned, not really asleep anymore. He opened his eyes and touched his temple to sort his mind.
They were already up in the air and Ueda next to him was sleeping as well.
“I can’t sleep!”
Jin raised his head and noticed it was Kazuya who sat in front of him, complaining. Of course Junno was fast asleep, not noticing anything anymore. He was able to sleep everywhere; something Jin definitely envied him for. Even when Kazuya sat beside him; continuously complaining.
Jin knew that Kazuya had been really tired. He had been at the filming for a show yesterday night, so he was the only one who had had a tough day the day before. But he had speculated on getting some sleep in the plane.
“I feel too dizzy…” He murmured and looked enviously at Junno beside him. “I can’t sleep.”
Jin was about to say something, as suddenly the boy next to him raised his voice. “Kame, if you don’t shut up immediately I’m going to make sure you’ll have a nice, unconscious sleep for the rest of the flight.”
Jin stared at Ueda who had said that without even opening his eyes. Koki behind them chuckled silently.
Kazuya turned around to them and gave Ueda a pout. “Everyone else is able to sleep. Only I am awake.”
“Are you nervous about the flight?” Jin asked.
“Not really.” Kazuya turned back and sighed. “I don’t know what it is…”
Jin didn’t answer anymore, but Kazuya turned around again and looked at him. “Where did you leave Pin?”
“My Mom is taking care of him.”
“It’s sad we couldn’t bring them.” The younger male said and bit his lower lip. “I hope Ran-chan is going to behave at home.”
It didn’t take much longer until Kazuya had dragged Jin into a conversation to distract himself from his sleepiness. But since everyone else was sleeping they kept being the only ones talking.
Only, when the landing started Kazuya made a surprised noise and turned in his seat again. Talking to Jin the time had literally flown by.
After they had landed, they were brought to their hotel and everyone was staring out of the car windows, pointing at different things they were impressed of.
“It’s amazing, isn’t it?” Jin had lost his indifference again and Kazuya gave him a soft smile, though the other one didn’t take any notice of it. “Look at that! Over there, those guys, did you see them?”
The brunette nodded and leaned back then, feeling his eyelids becoming heavier and heavier.
He had just fallen asleep, as the car stopped in front of the hotel and Nakamaru gently tugged his arm to wake him.
As they went in, they had to wait for a moment and Kazuya felt still sleepy. He just wanted to lay down somewhere and fall asleep. So he was just grateful as someone gave him a key to his room. He went up and noticed that Ueda was following him all the way.
“Where are the other guys?”
Ueda frowned at him. “Didn’t you listen? In their own rooms, of course.”
“We have a room together?”
“Kame, where have you been just five minutes ago?” Ueda laughed a bit and opened the door for them. “Nakamaru has his own room and Jin as well, because they had just two single rooms free. So we share a twin room and Junno and Koki as well.”
Kazuya supposed that again they had chosen by chance who would have a single room, so he didn’t say anything about it, but just nodded. Then he sat down at the edge of one of the beds. “I really didn’t listen… Is there anything planned for this evening?”
Ueda shook his head and started to unpack his things. “No; just dinner in about an hour. We’re free to do whatever we want tonight.”
“I’m just going to sleep.”
“Alright.”
Kazuya stood up again and yawned. “I’m going to look around a bit, until we have dinner, otherwise I’ll fall asleep and miss it.”
Ueda turned to him and gave him a real look for the first time. He noticed the dark shadows beneath the younger one’s eyes and nodded. “Okay, see you later then.”
It was a big hotel and Kazuya wasn’t sure where to head to, so he decided to just wander around to kill some time.
As he saw Jin walking down a corridor he ran after him until he reached his friend.
“Jin!”
Turning to him, Jin smiled. “What are you doing here?”
“I’m killing time until dinner.”
“Ah.” He nodded and went on. “I was thinking about going out, but I’ll better do that after dinner when I have more time.”
Kazuya followed and without asking he just came with Jin to his room. Both of them didn’t think about it; it was just natural. Kazuya sat down at Jin’s bed and sighed in relief. Walking made him even more tired.
“Where do you want to go later?” he asked and sprawled out on the bed.
Jin watched him, saw those tired eyes observing him and turned his head to look out of the window. “I don’t know. Just going out and see as much as possible from the city.” He grinned a bit. “We’re finally in New York. It’s so cool, isn’t it? I wonder what we’re going to do tomorrow and if we have a lot of spare time. If you don’t mind we could go shopping. I’m sure they have so much cooler things here than in Japan.” He turned around again to Kazuya. “And if you want to…”
Kazuya’s tired eyes weren’t observing him anymore. Jin watched him, recalling the situation. Again, Kazuya had fallen asleep in his, Jin’s, hotel room.
It wasn’t the first time; it had happened before.
Jin stood up and again, just like back then, took the blankets to cover Kazuya with them. He stared down at him, at his beautiful, sleeping face.
It had happened before, but this time was different, though.
This time he knew what he felt for Kazuya.
Maybe this was his second chance.
Kazuya woke up when the sun was rising.
He felt warm and fuzzy and relaxed. It’s been a while since he had such a long and decent sleep.
Sighing silently he shifted closer to the body next to him, into the warm embrace.
Then his eyes flew open and his body tensed.
Why did he sleep in the same bed with Ueda?, was the first thing that came to his mind and he even panicked. But as he wanted to withdraw he noticed that scent. He knew it, he’d smell it from miles afar.
Slowly Kazuya raised his head from the shoulder it was lying on and looked into Jin’s face.
He then remembered that he had fallen asleep in Jin’s room, when Jin had been planning what to do.
Had the other one gone to Dinner even? Or had he stayed with Kazuya, beside him, holding him?
The brunette felt himself blushing and buried his face at Jin’s neck again.
Enjoying this for a while he stayed like that; his hand was fidgeting with the short sleeve of Jin’s shirt.
Probably that warm feeling wasn’t just for a friend. Kazuya looked up into his friend’s face again and frowned a little bit. If his feelings towards Jin were just those of a friend, wouldn’t he be embarrassed to do this? To share a bed? To be held like this? Wouldn’t he reject that?
But it was him who had begged for exactly this a while ago.
Did he have feelings of another kind for Jin already back then?
He slowly sat up; Jin’s arms sliding from his side to the bed and the older one was shifting a little deeper into the warmth of the sheets.
Kazuya watched him with a gentle look and leaned in then; closer, until their lips were just inches apart. He could feel Jin’s warm and steady breath against his dry lips and for a moment Kazuya’s eye lids fluttered; rising from those lips to Jin’s still closed eyes.
“Jin…” It was just a whisper, as his hand instinctively reached out, down to find Jin’s.
The older one just sighed slightly, tensing his body a little bit, what confirmed Kazuya that he was about to wake up.
Tilting his head, the brunette lowered his lips to Jin’s and he slowly closed his eyes.
Their lips had just met for the fraction of a second, as suddenly the door flew open and Kazuya quickly pulled back and sat up again; but he lost his balance and fell out of the bed. Before he fell, though, he just saw Koki’s confused and angry face, then his back met the ground and he yelped for breath.
“Ooow~” he whined and sat up again, touching his lower back. “That hurts.”
“Kazuya Kamenashi!” It was Ueda who then entered the room and gave him a motherly evil look. Kazuya just stared at him in disbelief. “What did you think?”
“I…” Oh God, they had seen him kissing Jin! He glanced at the boy who sat up in his bed, his hair was messy and he looked at Ueda sleepily. “I just… It was… he looked like…”
“We’ve been looking for you everywhere!” Ueda interrupted him.
“Eh?”
“And how come” Koki added, facing Jin with the keys to Jin’s room in his hand. “You don’t bother to open your damn door?”
“I was sleeping.” was everything Jin answered.
“Oh, you…” Ueda seemed even more upset. Then he realized the situation and stared at the bed. “You two were sleeping in one bed?”
Kazuya lowered his gaze. “Well…”
“Apparently.” Jin said and stretched himself, yawning. “Kazuya fell asleep here yesterday night and I was not eager to give up my bed and sleep at the couch.”
“But we were looking for him everywhere!” Ueda said. “You could have told us he was with you.”
“I should have. Sorry.”
The blonde male just gave him an upset look and turned around again to leave. Everyone knew what would have happened if he had stayed, so it was best this way.
Koki looked after him and shrugged his shoulders then. “We were really worried something could have happened.” he said and took his mobile phone to give Nakamaru a call who was down in the hotel to check the pool area.
“I’m sorry.” Kazuya said. “I just fell asleep.”
“But I really don’t see why you didn’t just come over, to at least tell Ueda.” Koki pointed out to Jin. “Of course he would worry if Kazuya didn’t return to their room.”
He hadn’t thought of that. All he had thought about had been Kazuya and that it probably was a miracle he could make up for his broken promise that time. “I’m sorry.” But it didn’t really sound like that.
Koki just sighed and as Nakamaru picked up, he told him that they had found the younger one. Then he gave Kazuya a look and bit his lower lip.
Kazuya returned the look and he knew Ueda hadn’t seen it, but Koki had. His glance became pleading.
“Well, then… I’ll be leaving.” He turned around and closed the door behind him, much more silently than he had opened it.
Jin stared at the door and wasn’t sure what to think of this. Was Koki hurt, seeing the two of them like that? Ueda hadn’t doubted that they had been just accidentally slept in one bed, but Koki... he probably thought more had happened.
With this thought Jin’s head flew around to Kazuya. He had been awake since the younger one had sat up beside him. But he had pretended to sleep, unable to stop Kazuya from anything.
The brunette now, however, gave him an innocent look as he got back to his feet. “Seems I’ve caused a lot of trouble….”
Pained from his thoughts and his pounding heart, Jin avoided looking at Kazuya and just shrugged one shoulder. “They’re going to forgive you.”
It remained silent between them and Jin figured out he should say something; anything.
He couldn’t put into words what he was feeling and even if he could, he wouldn’t be able to express them well.
As he slowly lifted his head to give Kazuya a look, he noticed that the other one was observing him and without wanting to, Jin blushed, just a bit.
Kazuya lowered his head and nodded slightly, as if it confirmed his thoughts to see Jin like that. “I’m going to look for Ueda to apologize.”
Jin watched him walking to the door and he knew if he didn’t make him stay now, that kiss--- that step Kazuya had taken--- wouldn’t mean anything anymore.
“Kazuya…” He started, still not knowing what it was he wanted to say.
The younger male held back for a moment, standing at the door, his back to Jin. As the other one didn’t go on, didn’t say anything else, a bitter smile appeared in his face.
“I’m sorry.” He said softly, in a kind of suffocated voice, before he left.